James's insane wisdom to the world

James doesn't stab people

2011-12-09T10:28:00.001+11:00

Dearest darling mouth-breathing meatheads

When loading paper into a printer, please ensure that the paper you
have put into the tray is flat. I mean, like, actually flat, not 80%
flat and 20% steepled up on one edge in a sharp crease that's hard to
see unless you look closely but which constantly sets off the jammed
paper sensor.

Yours sincerely

Someone who promises not to kill you if you don't f--king do it again.

James and technical updates

2011-12-09T10:15:00.000+11:00

"And now I shall use the Palantir to discuss our plans with Lord Sauron..."
"Uh, not possible right now."
"I... What?"
"See, the Palantir hadn't had a firmware upgrade in about... fifteen
thousand years. Figured it was due, so I went digging. Strangely
enough, the original manufacturer has discontinued support (they've
moved out of hardware and into Facebook games) so I had to turn to the
fan community. Anyway, long story short, I found some fan-made beta
drivers on SourceForge and installed them, but they seem to have
killed its wireless connectivity."
"Killed its... wait, are you saying I can't talk to anyone on this thing?"
"Well, no, not right now. I'm trying to do a firmware rollback but I
can find the original discs."
"What's the use of a Palantir that can't talk to anyone? This thing is useless!"
"Not true - I installed Angry Birds on it for you."

Scott:
"Look, I'm the Witch King of Angmar, I'm a very busy man, I need to speak to a lot of people, but every time I get on a fell beast I lose reception. Nada, nothing, zip. This is an unphone"
"Yeah, its the wireless connectivity. The upgrade hasn't worked out so we've had to go back to the previous setup."
"But its even worse now! I mean, I flew out on my own the other day because the rest of the Nine didn't get my text! I looked a right tit landing outside Minas Tirith on my tod."
"Yeah, sorry about that. Until we get the upgrade working I'd try the workaround."
"What's that?"
"Well, just don't go too high, stay under about 20ft or you'll lose the wireless."
"20ft? 20ft?? Are you nuts? How am I meant to swoop down on a terrified peasant from 20ft? Not to mention, hello, trees. A fell beast is not the most responsive of flying machines, you know? It'd be easier to put one of them on a leash and walk it in to Minas Tirith."
"Yeah, sorry, but its the best we can do, at least until we upgrade to Morgul Sandwich."
"You know, this wouldn't happen in private enterprise. Bet the corsairs don't have any problems with their networks. Bloody bureaucracies."

James and deities

2011-09-21T10:24:00.000+10:00

Scott:
I's had interrupted sleep. Tsupid wakings up.

James:
Tsupid is the Egyptian god of romance. Like Cupid he is depicted as a chubby little winged baby with a bow and arrows, except he has the head of a walrus.

James rants about volcanoes

2011-07-06T10:31:00.001+10:00

After this story appeared in The Age

Rebecca:
the media seems to like rehasing this idea every 12 months or so... VOLCANOES! Falling from the sky! Spewing lava everywhere and burning the crops!

James:
Bringing in their volcanic families from Indonesia! Stealing the jobs of honest Australian volcanoes!

See, this is why we don't have any vulcanism in Australia: South East Asian volcanoes took all the jobs and mass produced cheap eruptions! After Krakatoa, is it any surprise that our local industry is essentially dead? Oh sure, we have some boutique hot springs and volcanic mud, but no honest, large-scale, working class volcanic eruptions. If we want lava or magma in this country, we have to import it!

What we need to do is kick these dole-bludging local "dormant" volcanoes off their government payments and force them to get to work!

James and the plumbers

2011-02-11T09:17:00.002+11:00

[After discussing the difficulty of finding a plumber]

"Hello, is this a plumber?"
"Yes, do you have something that needs to be plumbified?"
"Oh yes, my plumbs have lost all plumbicity. I think they need new plumbitronics."
"Hmmm, it won't be cheap. You'll need some high plumbocity fittings with plumb plumb plumb."
"Oh dear, but will plumby plumb plumb plumb?"
"Plumb plumb plumb plumb."
"Plumb!"

James makes fun of Scott's typo

2011-02-04T16:40:00.002+11:00

Scott:
$4.95 a ig and I'll be calling electrivian shortly

James:
That's very cheap for an ig. Igs haven't been so cheap since I was a child, growing up in the ig farming district of Igshire. We used to ride a cart into town and see all the ig merchants selling their wares from the backs of barrow. Five igs for a pound, they cost, for some of those little Spotted Marfworthies. So many other varieties, though, like the big golden Sunbeam Rafflegates and long green Parson's Plasterboards. Of course, most of the igs you see these days are tinned, and they're usual the cheap and nasty varieties like Little Brown Fauntleroys and Purple Quaids....

The electrivian:

He's the guy who comes into your house and repairs a crappy old record player in the shed while ignoring the fact that your fuse box is on fire.

James and the eels

2011-02-04T16:31:00.002+11:00

After yesterday's email was titled, "My hovercraft is full of eels" and today's was titled "Hovercraft redux: This time it's personal"

James:
...and this time, the eels mean BUSINESS!!!

Specifically accouncy. In fact, these eels will come to your home at a convenient time for you in their corporate hovercraft and conduct a free financial assessment. These eels guarantee that they will get every you every cent of tax return that you are entitled to.

These eels are EXTREME!!! ly good at finding every possible deductible expense, and they're getting ready to EXPLODE!!! the size of the tax refund you will receive.

Scott:
"So your motto is 'Our refunds are like eels: slippery and hard to grasp'?"
"Yeah."
"Doesn't exactly inspire confidence, does it?"

James creates a new character

2010-10-29T08:47:00.002+11:00

After finding out that that there is such a thing as a Cockchafer Beetle:

James:
I absolutely must write a story with a protagonist called Mr Cockchafer now.

Scott:
Captain Cockchafer of the Queen's Rifles should be a series of books:

Cockchafer's Triumph
Cockchafer Goes to Africa
Cockchafer and the Crack fo Doom
Jolly Roger Cockchafer
Cockchafer: Lord of the Apes
Cockchafer Stands Tall
Cockchafer and The Groin Monkeys of the Belgian Congo

James:
Cockchafer of Scotland Yard
Cockchafer Returns
Cockchafer: Pioneer Submariner
Cockchafer Knows Best
The Further Adventures of Cockchafer
Cockchafer in New Guinea
Cockchafer Across the Sahara

Scott:
Cockchafer's Suprise
Cockchafer Swings Low
Cockchafer Against the Germans
Cockchafer Victorious
Cockchafer: Big Game Hunter
Cockchafer's Musket

James:
Cockchafer's Legion
Cockchafer in Love
Cockchafer's Last Stand
Cockchafer Abroad

Scott:
And every one of them have the same plot

Rebecca:
apart from the porn/erotic fiction ones which have a slightly different plot and sex

James:
Cockchafer in Leather
Cockchafer in Bondage
Cockchafer's Harem
Cockchafer and the Naughty Navy

...and the inevitable:

Cockchafer and the Case of the Chafed Cock

Scott:
And the cooking spin-off: Cockchafer's Chafing-Dish

James:
Cockchafer Behind Bars
Cockchafer Undercover
Nobody Can Touch Cockchafer

Some suggestions from Twitter:

Cockchafer on Broadway
Cockchafer Comes from Behind
Cockchafer and the Moustache of the Pharaoh

Scott:
Cockchafer and the Imposing Sausage

James:
From Twitter:

"If I remember my Cockchafer trivia correctly, Cockchafer: Pioneer Submariner was retitled Cockchafer Goes Down in Europe."

James has a thing

2010-10-06T11:52:00.002+11:00

Rebecca:
You're such a geek

James:
You say that like it's a bad thing.

Rebecca:
No, I say it like it's a thing :)

Scott:
A thing with many tentacles and eyestalks and that stalks the moors at night singing about loss, love and glovepuppets.

James:
Didn't Robbie Burns write about that one?

I think it went like this:

O most grotesque beastie 'pon the moors
Knock ye not 'pon my doors
Ye puppets fill me wi' alarm
I dinnae want one 'pon my arm
Ye sing although I hope ye won't
I'll glass ye, just ye see 'f I don't

James riffs the Old Spice guy

2010-07-27T11:27:00.001+10:00

Rebecca:
There is chocolate calling to me... the siren voices are tempting me to nom

James:
What does chocolate sound like?

Michelle:
chocolate has a delicious deep dark voice

James:
Like the Old Spice guy?

"Hello ladies. Look at your salad, now back to me, now back at your salad, now back to me! Sadly, your salad isn't me, but if you stopped worrying about your calorie intake and started thinking about what tastes good, you could be eating me. Look away, look back... You're stuffing your face with the chocolate your snack could taste like!"

James finds new words

2010-07-22T15:39:00.001+10:00

Your typo of the day: "homeosexual"

I think it would describe the state of being a closeted right wing political figure, with the higher dilution of gay pride having a great effect on his need to hook up with gay escorts or go to public toilets for an anonymous fumble.

James and the whales

2010-07-22T15:35:00.003+10:00

After reading this news article:

Rebecca:
I love how this article is clearly written for people in the northern hemisphere.

"The seas around Cape Town are teeming with whales and great white sharks during the winter months, which fall in the middle of the year."

James:
WITCHCRAFT!!!! I BLAME OBAMA!!!

Scott:
Yep, its a little known fact that the waters are so teeming with sharks and whales that ships have to be fitted with gian cow-catchers to push them all out of the way.

James:
In the winter months, anyway (in the MIDDLE of the year! the MIDDLE!) but at the ends of the year it's like a desert.

Only, you know, wet

Scott:
In particularly teeming middle winter years, locals will hire beach buggies and drive over the crammed together sea life to offshore islands they can't normally reach by car. Once there they'll strip naked under the moonlight and conduct arcane rituals to ensure the next winter will also arrive in the middle of the year.

James:
The not-mid-year-months, known by the locals as Endie-Yearie-Hottie-Time, see the ocean so devoid of life that the missing biomass causes the sea levels to drop dramatically. This is an excellent opportunity to retrieve lost cars that slipped through small gaps in the whales mid-year.

Scott:
And to fish out all those coins that fell out of pockets and slipped behind a whale.

James communicates for hell

2010-05-29T15:18:00.001+10:00

Scott:
Yay for misreading emails! We just received an "informal outage notification" for system downtime in June which I misread as an "infernal outage notification".

The fires of hell have been shut down to resolve some coding issues.

James:
Attention all demons, devils, and associated evil spirits

Be aware that the raging fires of hell will be doused between 14:00 and 17:00 9CST (ninth circle standard time) for service works.
Infernal technicians will be using this time to scrape the still living and screaming remains of the eternally damned from the gas outlets. Please back up any demonic torture before the outage.

Thanks for reading.

James and the dinosaurs

2010-05-05T20:09:00.001+10:00

Rebecca
Gotta love a HUGE bit of fear mongering...

Scott:
Billions of immigrants! Billions and billions! And they haven't eaten in billions of years!

James:
...and dinosaurs! Billions of them! Crossing our borders willy nilly, and not respecting out culture (especially the bit about not eating one another). You may laugh now, but you won't be laughing when you can't get a job because of cheap imported procompsognathus! You won't be laughing when the utahraptors demand their own radio station! You won't be laughing when the gallimimus set up a tent embassy in Canberra!

Scott:
And then we'll have billions of single mother allosaurs waiting in line at Centrelink for their handouts!

James:
Carelessly sweeping their tails around and knocking over the shitty plastic chairs!

Scott:
And demanding equal rights for gay and lesbian diplodoci!

James:
Gay Muslim carnotaurs wanting to adopt human babies JUST SO THEY CAN EAT THEM!!!

Scott:
And influence their young minds so that babies turn into baby-eaters themselves!

James:
Statistics have shown over and over again that babies who are eaten by dinosaurs will grow up to be baby-eating dinosaurs themselves!

BREAK THE CYCLE!!!

Scott:
Little Billy was a good Christian baby until he as adopted and eaten by Mr and Mr Triceratops and now he hangs around seedy bars in tight leather pants eating babies all day long! Don't let this happen to your baby!

James:
He got eaten by a pair of herbivores?

I don't think you're taking this seriously.

Scott:
Gay and lesbian dinosaurs don't discriminate between meat and veg!

Rebecca:
I officially declare that my new metformin medication and I get along... there have been a couple of minor tummy issues, but 2 in 14 days is far better than 6 a day.

James:
Hooray!

Of course, if we don't tighten up our immigration policy, you won't be able to get metformin because the PBS will have to be discontinued, thanks to cost blowouts caused by stegosaurs getting high on government-subsidised methamphetamines!

Rebecca:
Sadly my new medication isn't on the PBS, so I won't have to worry about whether it exists or not

James:
F--king stegosaurs!!!

Scott:
See? They're not even here yet and they're screwing Real Australians out of their god given not-at-all-communist socialised medicare! (and not medicarse as I just typo'd)

Rebecca:
*falls asleep at desk*

James:
*gasp* Communist fascist lesbian pterodactyls spiked her water!!!

James and his magical underpants

2010-05-05T20:08:00.000+10:00

Rebecca:
Awww you stopped... but I will blog you anyway!

James:
You can't. I'm wearing my magical mormon blog-proof underpants.

Rebecca:
They are not proof against me. I will blog and you can't stop me!

James:
But... but... I'm wearing a second pair of them on my head!

Scott:
We can't be blogged for our ideas are so outlandish that blogging software can't cope with their sheer awesomeness

James:
That's right. Blogger with pop up a "too awesome to be blogged - I am not worthy" error and shut itself down.

Rebecca:
As awesome as you both are, and as awesome as your ideas are... blogger is insufficiently sentient to notice

James:
It is screaming silently, unable to communicate its horror.

James and the sinus goats

2010-05-04T22:08:00.000+10:00

Rebecca:
you and Scott need to continue being funny so I can blog you

Scott:
Gah. I feel like a milking cow. You've attached your blogging machine to my nether regions and am sucking all my essential weird juices out.

James:
"Here, taste this milkshake!"
"Uh... it's a weird colour..."
"Oh, that's... food colouring. Yeah. Go on, drink it! It's delicious!"
"Ur... kay..." *slurp* "CHRIST!!! What is this cr-" . . . "WEASEL
DOCTORS EXPUNGE THE CHEESE FROM MY NETHER KIDNEYS!!!"
"Eeeexcellent."

Scott:
"Side effects: Prolonged use may result in goats."

James:
"Oh, that's not so bad. Goats are cute, I sup-"
"Growing out of your sinuses."
"ARGH!"

Scott:
"Consult a goatherd if symptoms persist."

James exorcises Tony Abbott

2010-04-29T22:05:00.002+10:00

Scott:
Bleah go the sinuses, bleah bleah bleah.

James:
*pulls string* The cow goes... Mooooo!
*pulls string* The sinuses go... BLEEEAAAARRGH!!!
*pulls string* Tony Abbot goes... *fap fap fap fap fap fap*

Scott:
*boggle*

The images..............do not want!

James:
"Daddy, I don't like this toy any more."

Scott:
"It whispers things in the night.....horrible, horrible things."

James:
"What kind of things, son?"
"I can't... I can't repeat them!"
"But..."
"No! Too horrible!"
"Please son, you need to talk to me so I can help you."
"Okay... it... it says... 'Tony Abbott for Prime Minister'!" *sob*

Scott:
"And then I hear a furtive rustle followed by.......slapping sounds. It sounds a bite like.....fapfapfapfap. And then I feel vomit in the back of my mouth."

James:
"Quick, there's no time to waste! I need an old priest, a young priest, ten litres of holy water, a DVD copy of The Dismissal, and Gough Whitlam!"

[later]

"Begone from this place! Return whence you came, monster! You do not belong in the 21st century!"

Scott:
"Fools! Banishing me from this plane will simply return me to the nether hells of the backbenches! You cannot destroy me! My demonic influence touches all!"

James:
"Cover your ears! He is going to spout obscenities!"
"Girls must always wear skirts! Good girls don't have sex before marriage! RAAAARGH!!!"

James got blogged and then nose goblins

2010-04-29T21:47:00.002+10:00

Rebecca:
I went through my mail archive and have now blogged James more

James:
*rolls eyes*

Next you'll start singing "I like your old stuff better than your new stuff".

Rebecca:
well I wanted to keep some of my old emails. And blogging you was easy... and amusing

James:
[sings] Blooooggin' you... is easy cause you're bloggable... doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doooo... AAAAAAAARRRRGGGHHHH!!!!

Scott:
I don't remember the scream being part of the song.

Rebecca:
*dies*

James:
Oh noes!!!

. . .

*steals wallet*

Rebecca:
Hey.....

James:
It wasn't me! It was... that... other guy... with my name...

Scott:
James Dominguez the famous seal hurdler?

James:
Obviously not me - I tried to leap over a walrus once, but I tripped on its tusk and might have been badly injured had I not landed on a penguin.

Scott:
Not James Dominguez, inventor of the rotary chicken sexer?

James:
No, that wasn't me, and if you say it was I will sue you.

Scott:
Not James Dominguez, physicist and founder of the controversial "Parallel Bollocks" theory?

James:
He was a shameless fraud.

Scott:
That means you must be James Dominguez, investigative journalist and author of the famous "Nose Goblins: America's Secret Epidemic" report.

James:
Okay, that one was me, but I wasn't serious.

Plus, I was quite drunk.

Scott:
But that report panicked a nation! Millions of people ran to their doctors demanding they do something about the legions of goblins hiding in their noses!

James:
On the other hand, it did lead to the serendipitous discovery of those life-threatening nose-dwelling microzebras.

James writes his own in train poetry

2010-04-22T09:04:00.000+10:00

I call this poem...

STENCH

Swaying, rocking
In the metal and nylon arms
Of an uncaring mother
Peering at the blur
Houses, graffiti, more

Sleep weighs me down
Heavy eyelids, like
The stone lids of tombs
I stare dumbly outside
A metal womb with a view

But no!
A cruel steel crowbar
Jammed into the dull gap of my wakefulness!
Tired eyes fill
With griefless tears!

It is only 8am!
How could your underarms
Already smell so bad?

*bows politely to scattered applause*

James discusses classification with help from Scott

2009-12-18T22:17:00.002+11:00

After finding that the email conversation was marked "Unclassified"

Michelle:
Scott - why didn't you use Unofficial as the classification?

James:
Classification: Smelling slightly of pineapple

Michelle:
a far better classification choice than any other offered by the Department...

James:
Classification: COVERED IN BEES!!!

Scott:
Classification: Its all sticky. Its made of jam!

James:
Classification: Superficially resembles a Pekingese

Michelle:
now I'm getting funny looks from my colleagues because I keep laughing out loud...

You need to classify things as Likely to make you snort!

James:
Classification: Sounds like a water buffalo mating call

Scott:
Classification: High level snort hazard. Do not read if you take heart medication, are pregnant or like to sit at your desk at work pretending that you're playing a tuba.

James:
Classification: When printed, ground up, and snorted, will give you hallucinations of Dame Edna eating live chickens

Scott:
Classification: Squealing like a pig.

James:
Classification: Squelchy underfoot

Scott:
Classification: Unnecessary use of street slang, yo.

Michelle:
Classification: Going to distribute Christmas gifts

[Rebecca changes the email classification to: Likely to make you snort which breaks the email filter system and has to be changed]

Scott:
I had to raise the classification as the work filter didn't like it

James:
Classification raised from "Covered in bees" to "Covered in badgers".

Scott:
Which is one less than "Covered in hundreds of screaming pygmies with tiny sharp knives"

James:
I don't have to worry about them - GMail has a screaming pygmy filter.

They all get dropped into my Pygmy folder, where they get pureed and turned into pygmy jam (it tastes like a mix of lychee, mandarin, and mescaline).

Scott:
There's nothing like a pygmy jam sandwich for when the munchies hit.

Michelle:
indeed - nothing beats a pygmy jam sandwich for a small snack

*ducks*

Scott:
*throws pygmies*

James:
*puts some bread in the toaster*

Scott:
Those look the typed commands for the world's strangest pc text adventure game

James:
] inventory

You are carrying:
- dumpling
- map
- stick
- crown
- statue

] look crown

The crown appears to be made of solidified and moulded mollusc secretions. A tag inside identifies it as belonging to the King of Wrong, and also that it is size 45.

] look dumpling

You are not sure how, but the dumpling gives the impression of being sleazy. Handling it makes you feel cheap and dirty.

] eat dumpling

What are you, crazy?

] look map

It is a fold-out map of greater Wrongtown and its surrounds, including the twin cities of Grope and Goat.

] look stick

It is a very small spear. It must belong to a very small pygmy.

] look statue

This wooden statue is a small carved figurine of a corpulent figure bearing a ceremonial bib and bucket. A plaque on the bottom identifies it as the likeness of Omnommer the Devourer. It is heavy for its size.

Scott:
*snort*

] search statue

There's a bas relief sculpture on the statue's pedestal. It appears to be a coat of arms with two goats on either side of a wheel cheese with the motto "may vos exsisto labefactum in a goat". There appears to be a lever next to the coat of arms.

] pull lever

A door slides open in the wall next to you. A million screaming pygmies with tiny spears pour out.

James is weird and disturbing

2009-11-20T17:14:00.003+11:00

After reading this story

James:
Remind me to never fly... or drive... or, you know, GO TO Congo.

Rebecca:
There is nothing in Congo you want to see

James:
Monkeys?

Rebecca:
you can see them in a zoo

James:
Heffalumps?

Rebecca:

not so many in Congo anymore,just a few jungle ones....and they should be left alone

James:
Rhinoceroseseses?

Rebecca:
you can see them in Botswana

James:
Thompson's gazelle?

Thomson and Thompson's gazelle?

The Thompson Twins' gazelle?

Hunter S. Thompson's gazelle?

(Also known as the gonzo gazelle.)

Rebecca:
You are very silly

James:

I is lovely!

I is covered in brains!

Rebecca:
ew

James and the Fictional Monkey Distraction Man makes a reappearance

2009-10-09T17:49:00.002+11:00

James:
Scott, Forza 3's ludicrous car list:

http://forzamotorsport.net/en-us/ForzaMotorsport3/Carlist.aspx

Scott:
Yeah, was looking at that earlier, I was thinking it might be a tad excessive. I mean, I like a lot of choice, but sometimes there's too much of a good thing

James:
...says the man who has HOW MANY gigs of cars on his PC hard drive?

Scott:
Flrrmmble. Hey look, a flying monkey!

James:
Oooh, Fictional Monkey Distraction Man has added a new fictional monkey to his repertoire.

Scott:
Well he had too, no one was falling for the plain old ordinary monkeys anymore. Now he's got flying monkeys, plaid monkeys, hipster monkeys, inflatable monkeys, car racing monkeys and giant golden glowing testicle monkeys. Those ones are VERY distracting.

James:
"Why is it always monkeys? Couldn't you distract someone with an imaginary gibbon?"
"BLASPHEMER!!!"

Scott:
Ficitional Monkey Distraction Man did have a sidekick for a while by the name of Unexpected Sloth Suprise Boy, but he was killed early in his career as a sidekick by a wildly misfired sloth.

James:
Fictional Monkey Distraction Man: "Oh my god! It's a megatherium!"

Unexpected Sloth Surprise Boy: "A megawhattium?"

FMDM: "A megatherium, an extinct giant land sloth native to South America."

USSB: "Wait on... a sloth? You're trying to get me to look behind me at a SLOTH??? Do you have any idea what the Miscellaneous Union of Sidekicks and Henchpersons is going to say when they find out you have grossly overstepped the boundaries of my legally agreed-upon job description?"

FMDM: "But it's not fic-"

USSB: "No buts! This is a serious case of demarcation and I am not going to stand by and let you interfere with my safe working environment. I'm going to talk to my MUSH representative as soon as we can find that time machine and get back to-"

Megatherium: "GRAAAAARGH!!!" *splat splat splat*

Captain Bad Pun: "He's really a member of MUSH now!"

FMDM: "Oh, shut up."

James is a poet

2009-09-09T19:54:00.001+10:00

There once was a lady named Bec
Who had the most munchable neck...

Hm... that ones a dead end...

Urrr, OK...

There once was a girl named Rebecca
Who at night drove a red double-decker...

No, I don't think so...

There once was a sweetie named Reb
Whose name didn't rhyme with any bloody thing....

Grrr!

OK OK... Let's try another one...

There was a girl named RebbyLyn,
Who had the world's naughtiest grin.
She would wear it, I'm told,
While she searched for a hole
She could blow lots of raspberries in.

There ya go...

James's drum name

2009-09-03T17:49:00.002+10:00

While discussing Rock Band and the Beatles here

James:
This is actually looking pretty awesome...

I might have to pick this up, plus a couple of extra microphones for the three-part harmony vocals. :)

Scott:
You can only play it if you speak like Ringo while doing so.

James:
I would have to adopt a suitable "nom de batterie" (i.e. "drum name" - Ringo wouldn't have a pen name).

Unfortunately, following the pattern set by Richard Starkey -> Ringo Starr, I would have to be Jango Domm.

Jango Domm sounds too much like a Spanish porn star for my tastes.

Scott:
So that would make me....Scongo Brenn? Its sounds like the name of a lost tribe

James:
Or a background character in the Mos Eisley cantina who was only named so they could sell an action figure of him.

Scott:
Scongo Brenn, the most useless bounty hunter in the galaxy.

James:
"Lord Vader, I have assembled the most vicious and tenacious bounty hunters from across the galaxy to assist in the search for Han Solo."

"Excellent. Who is this?"

"This is Bossk, a ruthless Trandoshan. Cold-blooded, both literally and figuratively."

"Impressive. And this?"

"Boba Fett, spliced from one of the original clones, decades ago. He favours disintegration of his quarry."

"We need Solo alive, Fett. Remember that. And... uh... who the hell...?"

"Uh... my clipboard says this is Scongo Brenn... but it's hand-written at the bottom of my list... in crayon..."

"Scongo Brenn... I find your lack of pants disturbing."

James and Shakespeare

2009-09-02T00:14:00.003+10:00

Michelle:
aren't they fun? Shakespeare had it right with his "Kill all the lawyers" line

James:
Wasn't that Maynard James Keenan?

Scott:
Its very easy to confuse Shakespear and Tool.

James:
Spot quiz: Were the following lines written by Shakespeare or Keenan?

F--k L. Ron Hubbard and
F--k all his clones.
F--k all those gun-toting
Hip gangster wannabes.

F--k retro anything.
F--k your tattoos.
F--k all you junkies and
F--k your short memory.

Scott:
Isn't that from the famous "F--k you" speech from MacBeth?

James:
You cannot begin to imagine how much I wish that were true.

Scott:
I probably can.

I believe the speech ends with "Verrily, f--k you, forsooth, t'wixt the nethers with a horn-ed goat."

James:
Shall I compare thy face to a monkey's arse?

(I even kept the iambic pentameter!)

James thinks that Rebecca can manage ravening hordes

2009-08-19T12:02:00.002+10:00

Rebecca:
Wasn't I reading that... before school started and my only reading material is pared down to text books and journal articles?

James:
Evil school.

It will all be worth it when you have a degree and a humongously paying logistics/project management job.

Scott:
And then bec can wear a hockey mask while she rides across the wasteland in her post apocalyptic truck all while screaming "I am the Lord Humungous!"

James:
Her mob of crazed desert raiders would be unusually well-organised.

"Now remember, it's Hammer, Maggot, and Screech's turn to devour the flesh of our still alive and screaming victims. Oh, and Mungo, you're rostered for flamethrower duty."

Rebecca:
Well of course, what's the point of all this studying if I don't get to have well-organised ravening hordes?

Scott:
"Now Mungo, about your performance for the last 6 months, how do you feel you've been doing?"

"Uh, well, *scratches*.....I dunno....I killed them farmers out near Port Hope good, an', uh, I been keeping me guns all shiny an' working an stuff...uh..."

"Yes? Anything else?"

"Um....I bin scavengin' stuff good too. Like, I bin strippin' clothes off the bodies for us, but I bin makin' sure to get stuff that ain't, you know, too full o' holes and blood and stuff. Wozzers and Beef reckon the pants I got 'em off those dead hippies are the best they've ever had."

"Is there anything you think you could improve?"

"Uh...um...I reckon I could kick people some more, speshully when they're on the ground bleedin' an' stuff. An' I reckon I could probably do with some better war cries. I don' think mine are, y'know, scary enough...'I'll 'ave yer bollocks!'....I mean, it's not bad 'an stuff, but what if they
ain't got bollocks? I reckon I'd look pretty f'ckin' dumb shoutin' out that when they ain't got no bollocks to 'ave."

James:
"Settle down please gentlemen..."

"And lady!"

"Sorry, Madame Blood. Lady and gentlemen. I am now calling to order the general weekly meeting of the assorted wasteland marauders leadership committee. Our first order of business is the fuel-saving initiative. Many of our staff have been leaving their makeshift death buggies idling while they storm into unguarded settlements to rape and pillage. At last week's meeting I asked you to brainstorm ways to encourage our people to turn the engines off before embarking on their orgies of blood and death. Have any of you come up with good ideas?"

"Aw, yeah, uh..."

"Skullsplitter? You made some progress?"

"Uh, yuh. When Ox forgot he left 'is motor runnin' the uvver day, I hacked off both his arms an' set 'em on fire before he died from blood loss."

"Hmmm, I can't say I approve of unnecessary staff turnover. However, did you find it had any results?"

"Yah, de uvvers've bin too scared to even turn deir motors on since den."

"Ah, now, can you see the negative result here? Dismemberment of staff can lead to a drop in morale, which is bad for our overall productivity, not to mention the lost staff member."

"Awww, sorry Mistress Rebecca. I'll only rip off arms fer serious offences in future."

James develops a screen play

2009-07-04T15:18:00.001+10:00

Scott:
You should sell that concept to Michael Bay!

James:
REVENGE OF THE AIBO

An original screen play by Michael Bay

Scene 1 - INT - Suburban house, living room

TOMMY is playing with his SONY AIBO - be sure to get lots of lingering shots of the SONY logo; they're paying us a lot.

TOMMY'S MOM enters - she is smoking hot, the ultimate MILF.

MOM: Come on Tommy, time to go to school.

TOMMY: But Mom, I wanna play with my awesome Sony Aibo!

MOM: Tommy, I know that the Sony Aibo is both fun and educational, but you're going to miss your bus.

Suddenly, a yellow school bush crashes through the wall! Rubble flies everywhere in awesome slow motion!

TOMMY: Woah... looks like the bus only just missed ME!

A crazy old man jumps out of the bus. He's some kind of mad scientist, so cast someone English, maybe that Ewan McGregor fag.

He's clutching a funky electronic box under his arm, with flashing lights and sh-t. It looks super awesome and will make a great merchandising item.

SCIENTIST: You're in terrible danger! You have to run!

MOM: [Dusts herself off - her clothes are ripped in a super-sexy way.] What do you mean? I have to save my son!

SCIENTIST: [Checks out the MILF - you can see him drool] No time to explain. The XBots will be here any second!

Suddenly, evil white robots with bright green light-up circles in the chests burst into the smashed-up house! They look like evil XBox 360's, because Sony's paying us a f--king sh-tload of money.

ROBOT BOSS: [He's a bad guy, so make his voice English too - maybe like that Saruman guy.] Stop, human! Hand over the Scion of Destiny!

SCIENTIST tries to run, but the robots shoot him in a f--king wicked awesome effects sequence. The box he was holding flies through the air and hits the SONY AIBO. There's a bright flash of light and lots of wicked cool CGI as the power in the box transforms the Aibo into a giant silver and blue robot dog with machine guns and sh-t.

TOMMY: Wow, look how cool my Sony Aibo is now!

SUPER AIBO blasts the living sh-t out of the robots, and they run like hell.

Scene 2 - Inside the Pentagon...

This stuff writes itself, really.

James continues a story

2009-06-30T09:17:00.000+10:00

Scott:
Bleah. Blargh. Rargh. Grumble.

James:
...said the grumpy giant.

The children squealed and hid behind Geoffrey the Magic Badger. Geoffrey did not want to let down his new friends, so he puffed out his chest and spoke boldly to the giant.

"Excuse me Mister Giant," said Geoffrey, trying to sound brave. "We have several issues of this fascinating magazine called Watchtower that we would like to sell you. Could you spare a few minutes of your time?"

[Extract from the unpublished Enid Blyton novel Door-Knocking in the Faraway Tree]

James reads a bible verse

2009-06-29T13:06:00.000+10:00

Book of Amphibians, Chapter 6, Verses 8-12 - "The Lord then spake again unto the Children of Israel. / `Lick ye not the flesh or secretions of the slimy things which dwelleth in ponds and swamps. / Lick not the frogs, the toads, the salamanders, the newts, the axolotls, or the tadpoles. / Know ye that thy tongue is the red carpet that leads into my Holy Temple, and getting it all slimy makes me grumpy.' / The Children of Israel didst hear these words, and those among them who were smartarses didst crack jokes about how this bit of the Bible wouldst prevent Jehovah's Witnesses from using frog glue."

James tells another story

2009-06-29T13:05:00.000+10:00

Once upon a time there were three little pigs. They were extremely shonky builders who made homes from substandard materials. The first pig made a house out of bendy straws. The wolf came along and, after a well-rehearsed speech centred around forceful exhalations, blew the house down, pureed the pig into a baconshake, and drank it through one of the many bendy straws. The second pig made a house from stickers. The wolf came along, noticed one of the stickers was a Texan pro-gun bumper sticker, and in a rage (he was a very left-leaning porcicidal hamovore) blew down the sticker house and made the pig squeal like Warren Beatty. It was pretty unpleasant. The third pig was going to build a house out of reinforced concrete and razorwire, but when he went to Bunnings to buy the materials he got all caught up browsing the garden section. The wolf caught him on the way home and ate both the pig and his newly-purchased tulip bulbs. After that he felt a bit unfulfilled, so he went and blew down a few houses.

Then he exploded for no adequately explored reason.

Nobody lived ever after, happily or otherwise.

James tells a story

2009-06-29T13:04:00.001+10:00

Once upon a time there were three bears: Dwayne, Greg, and Eddie. They lived in a loving three-way relationship, and played fun games in which they pretended to be lumberjacks and plumbers.

One day their house got hit by a rogue asteroid that had been labelled GLDLKS01. They all got vapourised instantly, along with their black and red chequered flannelette shirts and tool belts.

...and they all lived vapourousnessnessly ever after.

James and the ducks

2009-06-26T13:20:00.001+10:00

I remember that night like it was yesterday, even though I was a boy then and now I'm real old.

I remember that crazy man banging and hollering at the farmhouse door. I remember pa telling me and ma "Git upstairs!" and we went, sure, but I didn't go far. I sat on the top step, and I saw my pa get his shotgun and shout through the door. "Who's there?" he shouted, trying to sound scary. "Larry!" was the shout from outside, and pa pointed the gun at the floor and opened the door.

Larry was the Sterlings' youngest. Mr and Mrs Sterling owned the next farm over, up against the foothills. Big property, but tough land to farm, and they was getting old. All their boys had gone - to the city, or those big cattle ranches over in the plains - but Larry stayed. When he weren't around, people would joke he was soft in the head, "born idjit" they said. Nobody said that stuff to his face, though. No fear or nothing, just that Larry was too friendly and cheery to be mean to.

No cheer that night, of course. Larry seemed like he'd gone crazy, eyes bugged out and hair messed and tangled like a tumbleweed. I knew he weren't too many years older than me, not shaving just yet, though looking like he'd need to soon. When he crashed into our front hall
that night, though, he looked older than his own pa. White, his face was. I remember thinking I never saw a face so white.

He stumbled over to pa, grabbed him, bear hug like, and they both went half down, kinda half sitting and half kneeling. I thought for a second that Larry was attacking pa and I was getting set to pelt down those stairs and drag him off, forgetting of course that Larry was twice my size.

But then his foot kicked back, slammed the door with his foot. After the mighty bang of it slamming, everything was still and silent for what felt like a long time. There was only one noise, a kind of bubbling and whistling. Took a minute, but I worked out it was Larry crying. He held my pa like a baby clings to its ma, and he cried into his chest.

Was weird, seeing a near grown man cry like that. I could see pa was out of his depth, too. His hands was up in the air and his face was all confusion and shock, like a man who cracks an egg into a frying pan and finds a goldfish inside. "What's goin' on, Larry?" His voice was gentle - he remembered who he was talking to - but there was a lot of worry in it. "Huh? Your folks okay?"

Larry stopped crying and pushed back, fast. His foot slipped out from under him and he plopped down on his ass. Would've been funny if I weren't so scared.

"Ma and pa..." Larry started, then stared. He tried again. "Ma and pa, they're dead."

"Dead? How Larry? Tell me." The gentleness had gone out of pa's voice - it was like a stone now.

"Ducks," he said. "The ducks did it."

Stay tuned next week for part two of Beyond the Valley of the Ducks!

James and cheese

2009-06-24T11:04:00.003+10:00

James:
Dates are Rebecca's kryptonite. If you follow her around shouting out random dates she eventually regresses to her demon form.

At that point you then stick mini-marshmallows up both her nostrils to place her under your control.

Once under control, she can grant wishes, but only if they involve cheese. The cheese can be peripheral or trivial, but it has to be there. Ask her for a billion dollars and she can't help you. Ask her for a billion dollars and a slice of processed cheese and she can do that.

One needs to be crafty when dealing with cheese demons.

*twitch*

Sorry, where was I?

Scott:
Have you been smoking carpet samples again?

James:
No, but that's an excellent suggestion.
*runs off to mug a door-to-door carpet salesman*

Michelle:
are cheese demons related to cheese weasles?

James:
Distantly. Alongside Darwin's tree of life is a loosely parallel evolutionary path called the Tree of Cheese.

Scott:
Its fascinating reading. I was always in love with the cheesosaurs when I was kid, my favourites being fromagiosaurus and goudasaurus rex.

James:
More recently we have extinct megafauna such as the camembear.

Michelle:
and don't forget the edamites - hard wax casings have been found to prove they pre-dated the cheesosaurs

James comments on fantasy authors

2009-06-23T10:16:00.001+10:00

Scott:
"What do you mean its the same story? The names are clearly different!"
"Yes, about that. You don't think David and Bavid are somewhat similar?"

James:
"You know how Jerik slays Zord with the Blade of Kell at the end ofthe first book?"
"Yes, it's a fantasy classic..."
"...and Derek slays Zedd with the Blade of Krul at the end of the second book..."
"It's a deliberate foreshadowing! History repeats itself and heroes find themselves thrust into the same roles as their ancestors, the blood of mortal enemies flowing down through centuries and sustaining age-old battles!"
"I see. And in book three..."
"Book three is totally different! It's a female protagonist!"
"Yes... called Jerra, who slays Zood with the Blade of Khaal-"
"Hammer of Khaal, damn it! It was the HAMMER of Khaal!"
"Oh, I'm sorry. That's completely different then."

James writes constitutional amendments

2009-05-25T16:56:00.002+10:00

Rebecca:
stop making me laugh you bastard

James:
Oops.

Sorry.

Rebecca:
are you sure?

James:
*correlates ledgers*

*publishes profit and loss statements*

Rebecca:
strange boy

James:
I'm being an accountant!!!!

*accounts*

*accounts some more*

Rebecca:
don't, I might not love you any more

James:
*accounts head off*

*accounts like the wind*

You don't love me when I account?

Rebecca:
urm... I take the fifth

James:
What's wrong with the fourth?

Everyone always ignores the fourth.

...and the third, for that matter.

The third is a prick, though, and a really mean drunk.

The fourth is awesome, though, and I feel it doesn't get the recognition it deserves,

Rebecca:
I don't even know what they all are!

James:
Urm...

The first is the right to put a gerbil in a toaster...

The second is the right for gerbils not to be put in toasters.

The third is something to do with gerbils having the right to carry concealed weapons in case someone tries to put them in a toaster.

The fourth is a constitutional recognition of the right of all citizens to sing in the shower.

Of course, felons are not entitled to the protection of law, so prison showers have strict no-singing policies.

Many refugees flee to America from nations in which shower singing is not protected by law, and even actively prosecuted.

Rebecca:
...right

James:
It's true! Ask Nadia!

...and if she says no, ignore her.

If she says yes, though, then she's obviously smart and knowledgeable like me.

Rebecca:
She also pleads the 5th

James:
I don't know what the right to glue polka dots on a llama has to do with anything.

Rebecca:
She's away gluing polka dots on llamas, she's unable to help

James:
Actually, I can see why so many people plead the fifth.

Polka dotted llamas are awesome.

James has uneven coolness

2009-05-25T16:51:00.001+10:00

Rebecca:
Oh I know, I just being provocative

I a provocateur after all

James:
No!

You?

NO!

Surely not?

Rebecca:
is true

James:
Provocative?

Never.

Can't be.

Couldn't happen.

Rebecca:
snooty pants

James:
smeggly socks

Rebecca:
rasta bum

James:
*boggle*

My bum has dreadlocks and smokes weed while listening to reggae???

Damn, my bum is far cooler than the rest of me.

I have unevenly distributed coolness. I hate that.

James does not has a memory

2009-05-07T10:24:00.001+10:00

James:
I knows stuff.
I have a brain full of stuff.
It's so full of stuff that stuff is constantly trickling out of it.

Mystery:
yeah...
like a sieve ;P

James:
Something like that.
Just remember that the unimportant water is allowed to trickle away
while the important spaghetti is kept.
"Spaghetti" in this case representing Doctor Who trivia and Beatles lyrics.
....and water being my friends' birthdays.

James is lyrical

2009-05-07T09:56:00.001+10:00

Scott:
Wasn't that a Deborah Conway song, "today i'm a zombie"?

James:
Today I am a zombie, but tomorrow
I could be a ghoul or ghast...
*plays guitar*
Cavorting among the graves...

[sung to Deborah Conway's song "Today I am a Daisy"]

James protests

2009-04-28T11:08:00.001+10:00

Rebecca:
I can hear a protest

James:
"What do we want?"
"Several clear points of differentiation between camembert and brie!"
"When do we want it?"
"Now!"

James channels Connex

2009-04-17T10:34:00.001+10:00

[stilted electronic voice]

Attention passengers... the 7:38... ruby slippers... to... Emerald City... has been delayed, and is now expected in... seventeen years... Connex cackles evilly at any inconvenience caused... and at
your little dog, too...

James dances

2009-04-06T12:56:00.001+10:00

James and Rebecca are discussing his future purchase of a laptop

Rebecca:
fair enough... what will you actually use it for?

James:

Portable low-end computing.

Checking my emails or feeds at a wifi cafe, showing photos to friends, etc.

Rebecca:
doing dances?

James:
I can do them without technological assistance.

Rebecca:
but lappy can provide musics

James:

Oooooh, good point!

Not so much assistance as accompaniment.

Rebecca:
true, but dances with music have an added edge that dances without musics don't

James:

Dances Without Music is my native American spirit name.

My spirit animal is a mime.

James and the Goatfinder General

2009-03-24T14:24:00.002+11:00

James:
"Do you deny that you are in league with Satan, that through his dark powers you are granted unholy magic, and that to curry his favour you cavort naked by moonlight and engage in sinful, savage ceremonies?"
"Baaa!"
"IT CONFESSES!"

Scott:
"I seen 'em! I seen 'em with me own eyes! They gather at night, they do, in the meadow for their unholy satanic rituals of lying down and burping quietly! But that's not the worst of it - they do it all while naked!"
"Evildoer! Is this true, that you consort naked with devil in afrenzy of goatish lusts?!"
"Baaa!"
"My lord, it is naked as we speak!"
"Baaa!"

James:
"Your honour, look at its feet! Cloven hoofs, like as to the Dark Prince himself!"

Scott:
"And horns! Just like those of he who fell from grace! And fleece! Does it not wear the very fleece of Satan??"
"The fleece of satan? I never pictured the dark one as woolly, more sort of....scaly."
"Uh.....well, yeah. I was kinda on a roll, sorry."
"Nono, my fault, please keep going, you were doing very well."

James:
"Um... the beard?"
"YES!!! THE BEEEAAAAARRD!!!! Such as that which graces the very chin of the Dark Lord himself!"

Scott:
"And the ears! The ears that droop in ways most unholy!"

James gives direction to Scott

2009-03-10T11:13:00.001+11:00

Scott:
The important question: is [new staff member] likely to go insane like the last few people I was given?

James:
Does Cthulhu slumber endlessly underneath your water cooler or something?

Scott:
Yeah, though we call him George these days. He's good for football tips and always waves a tentacle when someone walks by.

James:
Scott, just remind your staff before they begin their inevitable slide into gibbering insanity that the Expiring Narrator literary device is very poor form, especially in epistolary writing. If I catch anyone writing, "Ah, I am dying!" there'll be trouble, particularly if the narrative ends with a final sentence interrupted by an em-dash or ellipse.

James finds more information on Afghanistan

2009-02-23T10:23:00.001+11:00

James:
"Afghanistan is a nation populated entirely by semi-anthropomorphic jellyfish. Its principal exports are plastic lawn furniture and Bob Saget."

Scott:
The Taliban is able to fund its activities by selling high-grade Bob Sagets in Western markets

James:
"Afghanistan is a very dry nation, receiving only 45mm of precipitation in an average year, with 35mm of that being custard."

James has demands

2009-02-17T10:43:00.001+11:00

Michelle:
I've come to the conclusion that Canberra are incapable of doing anything but making demands

James:
"Good evening sir. Table for one?"
"FOOD!"
"Certainly, sir. So, table for one. Here we are. Now, can I get you a drink while you peruse the menu?"
"FOOOOD!"
*blink* "I take it you'd like to press straight on with ordering your dinner then. Can I recommend the salmon? Freshly delivered this afternoon and exquisite quality."
"FOOOOOOOD!"
"Well, if sir is not interested in the salmon, the veal and the venison are both very good."
"FOOOOOOOOOOD!" *starts banging cutlery on table top*
"If sir is having trouble choosing a particular dish, perhaps I can persuade the chef to furnish you with a sampler platter?"
"FOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD!!!"
"...or perhaps I should just get him to slop a random pile of crap into a bucket for you."

James is in an advertisment

2009-02-12T16:59:00.001+11:00

Scott:
And HR are so far not inclined to resolve my short angry dwarf problem.

James:
[James appears in a white coat]

Hello. Have you or someone you love ever suffered from problems with short angry dwarfs? It may surprise you to know that such problems are more prevalent than you may think.

[Does that slow walk while addressing the camera thing, with an office in the background]

Every year in Australia, thousands of people are struck down by dwarfs. Many of these people feel that they have nobody to talk to about their condition, and suffer alone and in silence.

[Stops and rests his hand on the shoulder of a shy-looking child]

Here at the Angry Dwarf Research Institute, we have been developing safe, affordable, and effective treatments for those with embarrassing and painful dwarf-related conditions. Don't you owe it to your family, and to yourself, to seek help?

Voiceover: This message was brought to you by the National Campaign to Eliminate Dwarf Infestation.

James plays for Scott

2009-02-03T16:09:00.001+11:00

Scott:
I smashed my knees against the table in the level 25 fishbowl. That table is big and heavy. I think I broke my knees.

James:
Sir Scott, level 6 public servant, rolls to attack level 25 fishbowl!
Result: 1
Sir Scott has a critical fumble! Roll for location.
Result: 12 (Knees)
Sir Scott's knees are dealt 7 damage by the fishbowl's table.
Sir Scott must roll vs Will to resist swearing loudly in front of the Deputy State Director.
Result: 13 (Success)

James writes selection criteria

2009-02-03T10:55:00.000+11:00

The successful applicant will have a demonstrated ability to:
1) carry out everyday tasks with a far greater degree of pomposity than remotely justified in context;
2) forget every piece of technical procedure ever learned and rely on the services of a PA in much the same way that a foetus relies on an umbilicus and placenta; and
3) disregard all impracticality, illegality, and stupidity from all instructions received from superiors interstate and deliver these instructions as gospel to subordinates.

James and quantum entanglement theory

2009-02-02T15:42:00.003+11:00

Scott:
I just read it. I think it's your best one so far

James:
Oooh-errr, that's a big call...

Even better than my one last year that used Tetris as the starting point for a flawless conciliation between relativity and quantum mechanics?

Scott:
That was good, but I did think you kind of got a bit lost trying to fit the duck into it.

James:
The duck is definitely an important part of the puzzle. One day I shall decipher his enigmatic role... one day, duck... one day...

Scott:
And then we shall have the James [surname] Theory of Quantum Duck Entanglement'?

James:
I hate it when my quanta get entangled with a duck...

Rebecca:
In the end, everything is chairs

James:
Are there ducks sitting on the chairs?

Even more interesting than quantum entanglement is cumquat entanglement.

It's based on the QM idea that unpopular fruit that lies unobserved in the supermarket bins for long enough will technically cease to exist.

Scott:
And if someone does eventually observe it it turns into a duck.

James, Conan and Crum

2009-01-22T19:24:00.004+11:00

Scott:
I finally have a name for my character:Crummon Uthbot, known affectionately to friends as "Crum" and to enemies as "argh get that axe out of my spleen"

James:
Just don't hang out with Conan.

"Crom!"
"What?"
"Huh?"
"You said..."
"I said Crom."
"Oh, Crom!"
"Yeah."
"I thought..."
"Oh, you thought..."
"Crum."
"Yeah, Crum."
"Funny."
"Yeah."
"..."
"You have really hot biceps."
"Sorry, Conan - straight."
"Oh, no, I meant..."
"..."
"It was a compliment. Nothing..."
"...?"
"You know, not a..."
"Come on?"
"Yeah."
"...?"
"I mean nah, not a..."
"Come on."
"Yeah."
"So... Cimmeria, eh?"
"Yeah. It's a hole."
"Really?"
"Yeah, couldn't wait to get out of it."
"That bad?"
"Only just got a 7-Eleven last year."
"Serious?"
"Yeah."
"..."
"Crum..."
"..."
"Uh..."
"Oh, you were talking to me?"
"Yeah."
"Oh, sorry, I thought..."
"Crom?"
"Yeah, like an oath."
"Nah, Crum."
"Oh, sorry."
"No prob."
"It... uh..."
"...?"
"It was a come on."
"Sorry mate, still straight."
"Are you sure?"
"Yes."
"Ah, Crom..."
"Was that..."
"Yeah, that one was an oath."
"Okay."

James discovers Demoncracy

2008-09-30T15:07:00.005+10:00

Rebecca:
typo of the day - demoncracy

Scott:
I like it! 1 demon, 1 vote!

Michelle:
sounds like this place to me

Rebecca:
True enough. Roll on end 2009 when I can go and find out if the rest of the world sucks as much as [this place] does currently.

James:
The world outside [your work] will suck just as much, but they'll pay you two to three times more as compensation.

Scott:
and then it'll devour your soul.

James:
That's a demoncracy for you. If you don't love your country, you can immigrate to the bloody Vatican.

Scott:
I'm a proud flag waving demoncratist!

James:
I can picture the bumper stickers now...

"I sacrifice virgins and I vote!"
"Honk if you love Bealzebub!"
"Protect your demonic rights - join an Unholy Union today!"
"Spawn of Satan on board!"
"My other car is a nightmare-drawn fiery chariot of hell!"
"I don't brake for Christians!"
"Our country - love it or have your heart cut out with a ceremonial
obsidian knife on an altar of human bones!"

(That last one is catchy...)

Scott:
And fundamentalist demoncratists have a stylised fish with horns sticker for their fiery chariots.

James:
Ah yes, and there will be long debates between the two completely opposed and very different political parties: The Demonic Party and the Australian Devils.

"Of course, I agree with the honorable member for Flayed and Screaming that we must suck the souls of Australian taxpayers, but I still claim that the specifics of the proposed Perpetual Anguish Bill are just not thoroughly thought out. We want the Australian public to know that we are looking after their best interests."

Michelle:
no fair making me snort while eating French Fries...evil James

James:
It's okay to laugh about it, since it's so completely divorced from our political reality.

*nods earnestly*

Scott:
"Mr Speaker I'd like to respectfully point out that the other side of the chamber is clearly made out of unrepresentative holy water."

"Mr Speaker! Mr Speaker! You're out of line you halo-clad choirboy!"

"The honourable member for Screaming Impalement can take his betentacled head and shove it up all 600 of his betentacled arses consecutively!"

"Mr Speaker, I'd like to table a dismemberment motion against the honourable member for Dripping Ichor."

Yes, its just like when Keating was in power.

James and the gypsy physicists

2008-09-15T16:29:00.001+10:00

Scott:
I have an allegation here concerning "gypsy physics scams".
Damn those gypsy physicists, always hogging the radio telescope.

James:
"Welcome, sir, welcome! Come into our travelling carnival, sir! See, my wife Madame Clarisa, she will read your palm and scry the future in the tarot. Over here is Wilhelm, who has many fine items of jewelry for sale at very reasonable prices.. Ahhh, and here is my son, Daryn, who shall dazzle you with his perpetual motion machine and cold fusion generator..."

Scott:
Beware the blood feuds between rival clans of gypsy physicists

James:
"Listen to me, Martika! You will obey your papa! You can no longer ee this boy!"
"But papa! I love him! He wants to marry me!"
"You cannot marry him! He is of the Grozny clan! The Groznys are our worn enemies!"
"Your sworn enemies, papa, not mine. I care nothing for these old feuds between the clans."
"Martika! They are our enemies for a good reason! No honour, any of them. They are a clan without honour!"
"Why do you say this, papa? Why can I not be with the boy I love?"
"HIS FATHER STOLE MY RESEARCH!"
"What... what do you mean, papa?"
"I'm sorry, Martika... I didn't want to tell you... but you are old enough now. His father and I were using the same lab space when we were both your age..."
"What happened papa?"
"He stole my notes... my research... Stole a patent out from under me, using my research into heat-efficient semi-conductors..."
"Oh papa... I never knew..."
"I was a broken man, and never completed my doctorate... and that is why no daughter of mine shall marry a stinking dog Grozny!!!"

James describes Scott's weirdness

2008-09-12T15:29:00.001+10:00

Scott could be standing next to a tentacled ectoplasmic horror from the Cthulhu Mythos and people would point at Scott and ask the amorphous thing-that-should-not-be, "Who's the weirdo?"

James invents a supervillain

2008-09-09T12:18:00.003+10:00

James:
Look! Monkeys!

Andrew:
monkeys. where?
*looks around frantically*

James:
I lied.
For I am...
*rips off shirt to reveal supervillain costume*
Fictional Monkey Distraction Man!

Andrew:
*gasps* ohnoes

James:
Bit of a niche skill, really.
"FMD Man! Quick shoot Captain Sexpants before he escapes!"
"Look! Monkeys!"
*Captain Sexpants escapes*

Andrew:
lols

James:
Many heroes would go mad trying to interrogate him, though.
"Damn it, tell me where General Evilness is hiding, or I-"
"Look! Monkeys!"
"What? Damn it! I fell for it again! Stop doing that!"
"Sorry, I can't- Oh my god! Monkeys!"
"No, not falling for it again."
"Haha, that one's wearing a little jacket!"
"Really? DAMN IT!"

James leads the people

2008-09-09T11:11:00.000+10:00

Lee:
My imagination is going weird places right now, and I blame you.

James:
Hooray!

I am the weird brain shepherd!

James gets a shout

2008-09-02T11:49:00.003+10:00

James:
If you ever want to opt-in, just give me a shout.

Lee:
*hands you a shout, a shiny new one, no less*

James:
Oh, thank you. It's a nice loud one.
*pulls the string*
MY FACE IS COVERED IN BUTTER!

James has special vu

2008-08-27T13:19:00.000+10:00

James:
Jamais vu is interesting. I get that relatively often.

You ever get that? "I know I have been here/met this person/etc. before, but for a moment it felt totally new and disturbing."

Every time it happens I get paranoid that I'm a clone who was vat-grown and neurally programmed just this morning, and there are small gaps in the brain imprint. Because, you know, people would love to spend billions on human cloning in order to make me.

Amber:
*snort*

James:
"Okay, I've got ten billion dollars burning a hole in my pocket. What should we do with it?"

"Clone some random unremarkable guy and send his brain-imprinted clone out to take his place in his normal life while we keep the original guy in a cage and throw fruit at him?"

"Urm... actually, I was thinking about invading a small Middle Eastern nation... but your plan is good too."

James explains quantum millinery

2008-08-22T14:57:00.003+10:00

Rebecca:
I'm putting on my potential congratulatory hat

Scott:
...so it's a kind of Schrodinger's Hat?

Rebecca:
Yes, just like that

Scott:
Its a little known fact that Dr Seuss' 'Cat in the Hat' was a scientific paper describing an attempt to combine Schrodinger's two thought experiments, namely Schrodinger's Cat and Schrodinger's Hat.

James:
*observes Bec's hat*
Oops, I think I just collapsed the waveform

Scott:
Was anyone wearing the hat at the time? Have we suffered any skull blow-outs?

James:
You're obviously ignorant of the standard theories of quantum millinery. If the hat was in a state of quantum flux, both there and not there, then the observation would not cause it to simply appear. The observation will collapse the waveform and at that point the hat will have _always_ been there, even during the period when it also wasn't.

Scott:
So old photographs of a hatless you will suddenly show you wearing a fineshiny tophat?

James:
Only if the photographer took your photo without looking at you and nobody looked at any of the resulting photos.

Scott:
Wow, quantam millinery is more complicated than I had ever imagined!

James builds an interweb for Michelle

2008-08-08T16:12:00.001+10:00

Woohoo! I look forward to assembling your interwebs for you.

"Let's see... cute cats photos go here, angry political rants go here, porn goes here and here and here and here and here and here and here and here and here and here and here... and here... and here and here... and here..."

James puns and the world takes cover

2008-07-14T11:33:00.002+10:00

Scott:
That was the pun equivalent of a nuclear device. The radiation is burning me.

James

[Scott enters the room in a reflective plastic radiation suit.]

"Control, I'm scanning the area now. Wordplayometer is on."
*crackle of static* "Careful, Scott. That suit will protect you, but not forever and not if the levels get too high."
"Checking the read-out, there's acceptable background pun radiation, but nothing serious."
*crackle* "Okay... proceed, but be careful."
"Hmmmm... just saw a small spike... jumped briefly from normal levels to Douglas Adams, but dropped ag- wait! The needle's climbing, Control."
"How high? Scott, how high?"
"It's topped Adams and ticked over into Pratchett... still within safe levels for this suit."
"For now, yes. That suit is rated up to Fforde levels, but only for a few minutes. If levels climb above Pratchett, I'm pulling you out. Do you understand me, Scott?"
"Loud and clearm Control. Hmmm... I see evidence of recent pun activity. I can see a few words that have been twisted beyond breaking point, and... oh my god..."
"What is it, Scott? . . . Scott, talk to me!"
"I've found a body, Control. Oh, Jesus... looks like they copped an Asprin-level blast right in the face. The face... oh, the expression of pain... horrible..."
*beep beep beep* "Scott, I'm getting a warning tone. What's going on?"
"Pun levels are spiking. Oh god... I have to get out of here!"
"What is it, Scott? Talk to me?"
"Xanth, Control! The needle's flipped right into the red and maxed out on Xanth. I need to get out right now!"
"Scott, that suit will only take Xanth-level pun radiation for a minute at most! Move!"
*pant pant* "Control, I don't think I'm going to make it..."
"Don't say that, Scott, just keep moving! Save your breath."
"If I don't make it, tell the world... someone has developed a Piers Anthony pun dirty bomb and used it on a civilian population. This is... monstrous!"

James writes a Japanese movie

2008-06-23T16:48:00.001+10:00

[All dialogue badly out of synch with speaker's mouth]

"Oh no! The Brunasaurus has risen from beneath the sea! it is going to destroy Tokyo!"
"Again? We only just finished cleaning up after the last time!"
"What can we do? We are doomed!"
"Look! Michzilla!"
*ROOOOOAAAAWWRR!*
"They are fighting each other!"
"Ever noticed how the buildings of out city look oddly fake whenever giant monsters turn up?"
"Quiet!"
"Michzilla is victorious! "

...and now, the same scene with Japanese dialogue and English subtitles:

"No! Brownsaurus is rising from ocean! Tokyo will been destruction!"
"Curse also! Recently our city had clean from previous assaulting!"
"I can't think to do! We have doomed!"
"See behind! Michizira!"
*ARRR!*
"Amaze! They go at fight!"
"Has they seen that toy plastics house where the monster giants coming?"
"Shut!"
"Michizira victorise!"

James could have a windfall

2008-06-17T11:49:00.005+10:00

Rebecca:
what would you do with another one?

Scott:
Build a robot with it that could take over the world.

Michelle:
gift it to less technologically equipped friends...

Scott:
Build a cargo cult around it that will enslave millions and force them to build giant stone idols of you!

James:
An excellent suggestion, but my advisors tell me I should sell it and use the proceeds to buy either a 360 or a Wii.

They also tell me that the people are unhappy and demand a Colosseum.

Scott:
They get the Colosseum once they stop complaining about the high crime rate.

Another option would be to sell it and use the proceeds to buy yourself a nice LCD monitor in time for your new PC.

James:
$500-600 would buy a 27". Such a huge monitor would surely drive a man mad.

Scott:
At The Monitors of Madness, by H.P. Starcraft.

James:
For three days Wilkinson muttered and raved and screamed, with perspiration falling from him in sheets. Most of it was mercifully incomprehensible, but sometimes as I mopped his fevered brow with a cool, damp cloth I caught snatches of phrases. They were meaningless gibberish, but somehow they filled me with dread, and made the already claustrophobic room feel suffocating. He babbled about "interlace versus progressive" and "plasma panels". It was at the end, as his skin burned so hot I felt sure he must begin to smoulder, that he opened his eyes. He locked gazes with me, and the cloth dropped nervelessly from my hand. "Stephens," he whispered, a harsh sandpaper rasp, "Stephen there were... dead pixels... dead pixels in the sky..." Then, he died. Yet still, the horror of his words lives on in my tortured mind.

James discusses Scott's wrongness

2008-05-13T16:04:00.002+10:00

Rebecca:
James does Scott dabble in the ocean of wrong or does he run into the water, butt naked screaming that he's a squid?

James:
He's born there and spends his entire life cycle there. He frolics in the cool Southern seas of wrong in the summer, migrates north to warmer, wronger waters in the winter time, and in spring he fights his way up the river of wrong to spawn.

Scott:
And you really, really don't want to know how the Wrong Squid (architeuthis wrongus spazzmodica) spawns...

James and the mechanoraptor

2008-04-23T08:53:00.003+10:00

Amber:
Meanwhile, if I never have to write the phrase 'rapidly-adapting mechanoreceptor' again, I will be a happy person. Until the exam, at least.

James:
Damn, I'm disappointed. I was sure you wrote "rapidly-adapting mechanoraptor" for a moment and I thought "Cool! They're teaching her to make killer dinosaur robots!"

Amber:
Killer robot dinosaurs that LEARN.
That's not until second semester.

James:
Screenplay excerpt from MECHANORAPTOR, written by James Dominguez and Lee Murray
Scene 46

INTERIOR - RUINED LABORATORY

The MAIN LABORATORY of the research facility is ruined and dim. SIMPKINS lies on a desk, using it as a makeshift stretcher. His right arm ends at the elbow with a bloody stump, covered in scarlet rags. FLETCHER is attempting to barricade the door of the laboratory, which is shaking under repeated assaults by the MECHANORAPTORS.

FLETCHER - I don't understand, Simpkins. What did you do here? How did this happen?

SIMPKINS - [Speaking weakly, perhaps dying] We were given a brief by the army. Make them cybernetic, make them raptors, and make them rapidly-adaptable.

FLETCHER - It's such a simple plan! What on earth went wrong?

SIMPKINS - We could never have anticipated it. We put them in the finest cardboard boxes available, shackled them with chains made of only the highest quality liquorice. Armed guards patrolled their containment facility no less than once a month.

FLETCHER - It's the least I would have expected from you, but how did such extreme security measures fail? How, Simpkins?

SIMPKINS - We never expected... We made them highly-adaptable as requested, but we never thought... they would adapt in a bad way.

FLETCHER - [Shocked] No!

SIMPKINS - Yes. In our hubris we never thought that being highly-adaptable they might adapt to kill us too.

FLETCHER - My god! It's so simple! How could I not have realised it before? I feel so foolish!

SIMPKINS - None of us realised it, Fletcher. Don't blame yourself. In a movie like this, the monster always has to get loose in some matter, no matter how contrived.

Scott:
At this point the door bursts open, knocking FLETCHER to the floor where he shelters behind the corner of the desk. A growling MECHANORAPTOR slowly enters the room, teeth bared. The MECHANORAPTOR is wearing glasses.

MECHANORAPTOR - [speaking in a clipped, upper class English accent] I say chaps, what do we have here? Could be time for a spot of lunch, what?

FLETCHER - It can speak!

SIMPKINS - Of course! The adaptability! It must have learnt from the educational software on the computers in the nursery we built for those staff with children!

FLETCHER - Astounding! And not in the least contrived!

James provides excerpts on Afghanistan

2008-04-16T10:57:00.003+10:00

James:
From page 9:
"Most of what little export revenue Aghanistan earns comes from umbrellas. Afghan umbrella farms cling like moss to the small patches of arable land, nestled in sheltered mountain valleys. Local farmers import cheap paper cocktail umbrellas from the West and plant them in a mixture of soil, camel dung, and shredded raincoats. Even this peaceful lifestyle has its risks: strong winds in the summer of 2004 destroyed most of the umbrella harvest by turning the fruit inside
out."

Scott:
partial extract from page 12:
"The Afghan political system is dominated by corruption on a massive scale. Afghani politicians are known to accept bribes of umbrellas for favours: the larger and more elaborate the umbrella, the more likely the respective politician will accept the bribe. Consequently the demand for umbrellas with which to bribe politicians has become so great that it threatens the viability of the umbrella export market. Additionally, a poor umbrella harvest can have devastating effects on the Afghani policial system. The failed crop of 2004 left many senior Afghani politicians completely umbrella-less, and in order to import substandard western umbrellas many politicians were forced to hustle their arses on the streets of Kabul for as little as one US dollar a trick."

James answers a simple question

2008-04-11T12:27:00.002+10:00

Amber:
Have I missed stuff?

James:
Well, let's see... In early March I was narrowly beaten in my campaign to become UN Secretary General by three children riding on each other's shoulders under a long coat. There go my plans for world domination. I would have gotten away with it, too, if it weren't for those meddling kids.

Later I travelled to Monaco so seek my fortune as a gravel prospector. I thought I was going to be rich when I found what I thought was a massive granite pebble the size of a potato. Unfortunately it turned out to be an actual potato. I threw it at a petty royal in a bikini and felt much better. Why those Monacan princes think they can get away with wearing bikinis I will never know.

I was short-listed for the crew of the first manned (and, presumably, womanned) mission to Venus, but pulled out at the last moment when I found out the main cabin would not be clothing optional. If they think I'm flying all that way in zero gravity wearing clothes, they have another thing coming.

Oh, and yesterday I ate a sandwich.

You?

James writes an office sitcom

2008-03-25T12:11:00.003+11:00

James:
[Roll theme tune and opening credits of The Department]

Announcer: The Department is filmed in front of a live studio office.

SCENE 1: DESK POD

[MICHELLE and REBECCA are sitting on a desk, talking.]

MICHELLE: [Waving a sheet of paper.] Another fax from National Office! God, what should we do with this one?

REBECCA: Tell them to stick it up their national orifice?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

MICHELLE: You shouldn't joke, Rebecca. When Scott sees this . . .

[SCOTT enters with trademark greeting]

SCOTT: Morning cow-orkers!

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS, APPLAUDS, AND CHEERS]

SCENE 12: Stationery cupboard

[MICHELLE is leaning casually against the wall, filing her nails, JIMMY enters looking stressed.]

[AUDIENCE BOOS]

[JIMMY sees MICHELLE and pauses, looking terrified.]

MICHELLE: [Not looking up, sounding impatient] What do you want, Jimmy?

JIMMY: [Stuttering] Uh, I want... uh... stuh... stuh-stuh...

MICHELLE: Spit it out Jimmy.

JIMMY: [Continues stuttering]

MICHELLE: Try to finish this sentence before there's another change of government, won't you?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

JIMMY: Staples! I need staples! [Seems relieved to have finally gotten the word out.]

MICHELLE: [Staring at Jimmy like the insect he is.] Staples?

JIMMY: [Relief disappearing] Uh... if that's okay with you...

[MICHELLE continues her hostile stare.]

JIMMY: Please.

[MICHELLE stares]

JIMMY: [Long pause] Ma'am.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

MICHELLE: Do you have an authorisation form signed by your manager?

JIMMY: What? They're just staples!

[MICHELLE stares again.]

JIMMY: ...ma'am.

MICHELLE: Jimmy, do you have any idea of the sheer scale of waste that goes on in this department because of a lackadaisical attitude to stationery? Millions wasted! Perhaps even billions! I take my sacred duty as stationery gatekeeper seriously, so if you think you're
getting a single rusty thumbtack out of me without authorisation, you are sadly mistaken.

[AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS]

JIMMY: I'll just go get that form, shall I?

[JIMMY turns to exit and nearly knocks over SCOTT who is just entering.]

SCOTT: Wow, what did you do to Jimmy? He looks like John Howard on election night!

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

MICHELLE: Just putting him in his place. What can I get you?

SCOTT: My computer is too slow. Can I have a new one?

MICHELLE: Sure. [Places several large cardboard boxes on a trolley.] Enjoy!

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS AND CHEERS]

SCOTT: Thanks!

[SCOTT exits, taking trolley with him. A second later there is a loud crash and a shout of pain. JIMMY enters looking very stressed, with a computer mouse wrapped around his neck, and a piece of paper clenched in his hand.]

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

JIMMY: Here's your form.

[MICHELLE stares]

JIMMY: ...ma'am.

[MICHELLE reaches for the form slowly, and JIMMY begins to smile hopefully. Suddenly an alarm clock rings and MICHELLE look at her watch.]

MICHELLE: Oh, lunchtime! [She closes and locks the door of the cupboard and walks away.]

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDS AND CHEERS]

[JIMMY tries to walk away, but finds his form is stuck in the door. He tries to pull it out and it rips in two.]

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

James forecasts the weather, with help from Scott

2008-03-06T11:03:00.004+11:00

Rebecca:
What's with the weather today? Its broken, 29C they said this morning, and now they're saying 25C for today.

Scott:
Give it another hour and it'll be snowing with a chance of penguins.

James:
"...an extreme low pressure system is sweeping up through the Bight and into western Victoria, bringing squally winds, low temperatures, a strong chance of snow, and a small chance of penguins. Major storms are expected when this low system hits the warm, wet front coming down from Queensland, bringing torrential rain, humid weather, and toucans."

Scott:
"A major storm cell will sweep through the Sydney metropolitan region this afternoon. Residents are advised to expect very heavy rainfall, flashflooding, strong winds and large, flightless birds. Cars should be moved under cover where possible and trampolines erected over valuable property."

James sings Wrongtown

2008-02-28T12:15:00.003+11:00

Rebecca:
You boys are revelling in Wrongtown without me to slap you both

James:

[sings]
Start spreading the news...
I'm disturbing today...
I wanna be a part of it!
Wrongtown, Wrongtown!
My internal censor
Is fading away...
I'll make a wrong new start of it!
Wrongtown, Wrongtown!

or alternatively...

Wrongtown, Wrongtown,
The wrongest of towns!
The meatbomb's up and the dumpling is down!
James's mind is in a hole in the ground!

James on dinosaurs

2008-02-20T16:42:00.001+11:00

Scott:
best dinosaur name ever

James:
"Somebody please help! That protomammal is stealing my eggs!"
*bup-ba-da-BAAAAAA!!!*
"Never fear, young lady, I will save your eggs."
"Oh, Supersaurus!" *swoons*

James channels Steve Irwin

2008-02-06T11:44:00.000+11:00

Scott:
pfft, its only a cockroach, its not like it going to go for someone's throat

James:
Now this 'ere's a dangerous little blighter! Don't be fooled by how toiny he is - this ferocious bug 'as been known to scoot up yer pants an'ave a go at yer jugular!

James writes some lyrics

2008-02-06T11:01:00.000+11:00

Scott:
Goatfondler rocks as a surname. Or as a band name.
"And now, performing their number 1 smash hit 'Feed the Cheese Weasel', its Goat Fondler!!" *screams*

James:
[massively shredded cock rock guitar riff]

Oh baby, I wanna paint your picture...
Smear my oils all over your easel...
I'm gonna go down to your feeding trough...
Oh yeah, you're gonna feed the cheese weasel...

James solves the problems of wankers

2008-01-31T16:25:00.002+11:00

Scott:

Are you splitting wanker hairs?

James

Yes.

...with a backhoe.
...with chainsaws welded to it.
...while still attached to the wankers' heads.

Scott:

and a steam powered mechanical punching arm?

James:

Nah, bad for the environment. My mechanical punching arm is wind powered. it's quite ingenious, if I my say so. The device is placed in front of the mouth of a blathering wanker, whose rampant crapping-on powers a wind turbine. The turbine channels energy into a spring mechanism. When the spring achieves a high enough level of tension, a clasp unlocks and said wanker is bashed repeatedly in the face until the spring winds down.

Scott:

so you do you have to attach to the device to the wanker's head or is it ambulatory?

James writes important questions

2008-01-31T11:58:00.001+11:00

Question 17
What would you say is the applicant's overriding attitude to goats?
a) No opinion / don't know
b) The baby ones are cute in petting zoos
c) Their meat is good to eat
d) The applicant's life revolves around goat references

Question 18
In your opinion, what is the applicant's overriding attitude to cheese?
a) No opinion / don't know
b) Don't like it or lactose intolerant
c) It is a tasy snack
d) Cheese is an underutilised building material, and geneticists should be working on hybridising a weasel and a wheel of Jarlsberg

James is still wrong

2008-01-31T11:57:00.000+11:00

Number one on the ARIA chart this week is Scott and the Cheeseweasels with their new single "Sleazy Dumpling" (B-side: "Herpes Goat Goes to Wrong Town").

James channels David

2008-01-31T10:25:00.000+11:00

Michelle:
are you channelling my partner, by any chance?

James:
*places hands on ouija board*

"Oh great spirits, guide my hands! Grant me your wisdom!"

*glass slides over board, and spells out FLEMINGTON RACE 12, GATE 6, SIX TO ONE, SURE THING*

James doesn't entertain Cthulhu

2008-01-31T10:22:00.000+11:00

Scott:
*summons great cthulhu*

James:
What? No, no! You can't just invite guests over without telling me! The place is a pigsty, and we don't have any biscuits, and the liquor cabinet is a bit dry, and... oh god, I haven't done my hair!

Could you take Cthulhu to the pub for an hour or so while I do a quick cleanup and pop down to the supermarket? I'd be mortified if he saw the place in its current state...

Scott:
*down at the pub*

Me: yah know, Keegan isn't going to be able to drag Newcastle out of its slump

Cthulhu: F--cking Newcastle board couldn't find its arse with a billion screaming demonic newborn. Its not like it used to be in the good old days, when we'd wander down to the football from the pub and cheer our boys on, then wander home via Shammi's All Night Soul Kebab van...

James:
Many drinks later...

Cthulhu: Gotta go for a slash.

*slowly and carefully, Cthulhu drags himself to his feet*

Cthulhu: The Great Lord Cthulhu has risen! *giggle*

*falls over*

James and zombie performance interviews

2008-01-30T13:23:00.001+11:00

"Thanks for coming in to talk with me, Dave. Please close the door and take a seat. Now, I just wanted to have a quick word about your work performance over the past few weeks. I'm not the only one who has noticed a sharp decline in productivity, and that report for finance is now a week overdue. Now, you've been a great employee for years, and you're a highly valued member of our team. Please don't think this is some kind of warning or telling-off. I'm just worried about you, Dave. I want you to know that, even though I'm your boss, I also consider you to be a friend, and if something is going on in your life that is making it hard for you to concentrate on work, I want to make it clear that my door is always open to you, and if you feel comfortable talking about it, I am happy to lend an ear. Maybe I can help you come up with solutions for whatever's bothering you, so please feel free to pick my brain..."

"Wrrroooaaaaaaaaggghrrrrr..."

*door bursts open*

"What the hell is going on here? Why is an employee being counselled by management without a union representative present?"

"I assure you, Priscilla, that this is not a formal counselling. I'm just having a chat with Dave about whatever is distracting him from his work, and extending a hand of friendship to assist him in any way I-"

"Oh rubbish, Phil. We both know what this is about. It's the beginning of the end, isn't it? A little chat, a few notes on his file, quiet word in the ear of executive management, and all of a sudden poor old Dave gets a cheap brass watch and a lousy redundancy package."

"Pris, really, it's nothing like-"

"Can you honestly say that this chat today has nothing to do with David's reanimated status?"

"Uh... Ahem, no.. Not even remotely..."

"Yes, very convincing. You're yet another damned vivialist, thinking you can treat a loyal employee like rubbish just because he's a Post Mortem Ambulist."

"Pris, I promise you, the fact that Dave is a zombie-"

"Ah-hah!"

"Sorry, I mean Post Mort-"

"You said 'zombie'! Oh, you're in trouble now, Phil. You know that our EEO regulations explicitly prohibit any kind of discrimination on the basis of vivial status. Come on Dave - we're leaving."

"Graaaawwwwwwwhhhh..."

James and Scott waxing on a theme

2008-01-30T11:44:00.000+11:00

You be the judge as to which blog this should be in, but for now its here.

James:
Last time on The Young and the Restless Dead...

"Oh Kane... you know I still love you, but... you've changed. You're not the man I married. Please don't hate me for this, but... I'm going to make a new life with Bradley. I'm filing for divorce."

"Nyyaaaawwwwwrgh..."

Scott:
Tonight on Backyard Blitz our team of zombies take the Anderson's garden from toxic waste dump to Japanese zen garden perfection!

"Oh its just so beautiful, we don't know what to say! Thank you zombie blitz team!"

"Gnyaaaaarrrgh..."

James:
"...but still found time to befriend an orphaned kitten. That's the news for tonight. Now, it's over to Kevin for tonight's zombiological report."

"Thanks Doug. Zombie activity across the state was down on the January average today, but as you can see from the satellite photo, we have a large band of undead sweeping down from the northwest, bringing a cold front with it that should make itself felt in the early hours this morning. If you need to leave the house tomorrow, I'd suggest rugging up and bringing a shotgun."

Scott:
"And just a reminder to all staff that tomorrow is Bring Your Zombie to Work day. The office social club will be providing zombie-themed snacks for morning and afternoon tea, but i'd ask all staff to keep their zombies chained as we don't want any OH&S incidents. Please also remember to bring your shotguns and if you don't have a shotgun please see Cheryl and she will supply you with one from the stationery cupboard, but only if you have your office ID with you. Also, in the light of last year's little accident during BYZW day, please remember that if your zombie does get hungry then let him loose in our competitor's building next door, not out on the showroom floor with our customers.

Oh, and for those of you that don't have a zombie we do have some discount vouchers for Tina the Voodoo Priestess who guarantees to raise the loved one of your choice from the dead."

-------------------
"Hi, you've called the Addicts Anonymous Helpline. My name's Dave and I'm trained social worker who would love to help you. Now tell me, what addiction is weighing you down?"

"Braaaaaaaaiiiiiiiinnnnssss...."

"I feel for you man, I really do, we've all been down that road and its a tough climb back. Look, I'll tell you what, I'll sign you up for out weekly Addicts Anonymous meetings where you can meet with those similarly afflicted and support each other on the road to recovery. Today is the first day of the rest of your life! Isn't life a wonderful thing? Now tell me, guy, what is it you're gonna kick?"

"Braaaiiiinnnnsss..."

"Dude, that's the spirit!"

James and Zombies

2008-01-30T11:21:00.000+11:00

Scott:
SPF 3+, protection against all forms of the undead! Now waterproof!

James:
Remember kids, when zombies are attacking, Stick Stock Stack!

Stick something pointy through the brain, stock up on food and ammo, and stack barricades over doors and windows!

James on Jerry

2008-01-30T11:18:00.000+11:00

Next on Jerry Springer: My zombie boyfriend ate my mother, but I still love him!

Obnoxious Audience Member: "Uh, yeah, hi. Ah juz wanted ta ask the boyfrien' a question. How do you sleep at night, buddy? Ah mean, how can you live with what you done?"

Zombie Boyfriend: "Gwrraaaaaaahhhh..."

Jerry: "Well, technically he doesn't have to sleep at night or live with himself..."

James on words

2008-01-17T16:24:00.000+11:00

Amber:
Me being into the old lingusitics and all. At work.

James:
Linguistics at Work
Lingusitics on Holiday
Linguishticsh at Friday Night Drinks

Scott:
"Izza....iz.....iz a" *burp* "noun right? S'noun. Yeah. Wha'? Nah, izz not a f--ckin' ad.....ag....ajertive, s'a noun, init. Noun. Iz a noun in m'beer" *giggle* *falls over*

James and Mr Excitement

2008-01-15T09:37:00.002+11:00

James:

Mr Excitement arrives at the office. He tastes his morning coffee and his eyes widen! "My god! It's... it's... sweet! They added two sugars instead of one!" Immediately he leaps into action!

[Fanfare.] "Everybody! Listen to me! The fate of the world rests on your answer to this question..." The whole office leans expectantly, awaiting the words of pure excitement from Mr Excitement's lips. "Does anyone take their coffee with two sugars? If so..." [Dramatic chord.] "...you can have this coffee for free!"

Scott:

That's the Excitement King, not Mr Excitement. Sheesh. I shall not have my royalty belittled

James:

This story takes place before Mr Excitement is contacted by a snobby lawyer, telling him he is the sole heir to the Duchy of Excitement. It is not until some time later that the Duchy of Excitement leads a coup de'tat and claims the throne of Excitement.

James reprises lunch

2008-01-14T14:43:00.000+11:00

James:
"Aye, Cap'n, we be happy t' join yer crew and go lunch plunderin'. We'll cruise along the wealthy coasts of Bourke and Lonsdale, keepin' an eye out in the crow's nest for a fat, slow merchant vessel carryin' Thai green curries."

Scott:
"Captain! Captain! Pirate vessel off the port bow! She's flying the crossed schnitzels on a plate of chips flag of Blackheart James McStabyoulots!"
"May good have mercy on us all! Hard t'starboard Mr Winkles! Lieutenant Beanie, ready the dumpling cannons!"

James has lunch

2008-01-14T13:19:00.000+11:00

James:
Houston, we have received maximum hunger saturation point, and are now initiating lunchification sequence, on my mark... three, two, one, lunch. We have lunch. I repeat, Houston, we have attained lunch.

Scott:
Houston, this Bagel 1, the lunch manoeuvre has been successfully completed. I repeat, the bagel is in the belly. Requesting go for belt loosening manoeuvre.

James:
Sandwich docking manouevre initiating. Command, decompress upper forward sustenance hatch and open to full.

James on Asian action movies

2008-01-14T11:59:00.000+11:00

Amber:
'Wind snake'.
It's very zen.

James:
Sounds like something from an early Jackie Chan flick.

[Assume dialogue is hopelessly out of synch with lip movements.]

"Nooo! My master! Evil Lord Chung has killed you because you refused to give him the secret scrolls detailing to final lessons of the Wind Snake fighting style! I will study these scrolls myself and avenge you! But first, a pointless slapstick sequence.."

Scott:
"So, young Feng Shui, you think you can defeat me with your Wind Snake fighting style? The Wind Snake did not save your master, it shall not save you! For I am a master of that most ancient and secret of martial arts! The Shao Lin monks of Hopping Zombie Mountain trained me themselves, and when I was strong enough I killed them all! Like I shall kill you! Ha ha ha! Fear me, Feng Shui, for I am a master of the ancient art of Yelling At the Hot Sheila on the Footpath From Your Car!"

James:
"No! He is too strong! I have failed you my master! I shall now flee into the countryside and have whacky adventures, until a grumpy old hermit befriends me and reveals he was my old master's own teacher, and if I can clean up my act and control my rage he will teach me the very secret and deadly Shampoo Carpet and Dust Venetians fighting style!"

Scott:
"Arrgh! I did not foresee this likely and predictable plot twist! Curses! I must send my loyal and incompetent minions after you so that you may kill them all in a highly improbable and furiously energetic fight scene that will undoubtedly include you at some point kicking a wooden stool into the groin of one of my men while smacking the others into the supporting beams of a small wooden tavern, which will then collapse! Curse you, Feng Shui!"

James:
"Ah-haaa! I am victorious! But no! Look! The fight has set an unlikely chain reaction into motion, and though victorious in battle I require one more death-defying stunt shot from multiple camera angles. Note my slightly different hairstyle, as the first take went wrong and I nearly died, resulting in a three month hospital stay!"

James writes horoscopes

2008-01-10T16:21:00.001+11:00

Bah, I'm as much of an expert in this rubbish as any of those wankers.

Here!

Sign of the Ox - Your year will kick seven kinds of arse. You will get rich, be chased by a harem of hot women, and wake one morning to discover that your touch can cure cancer. Water Ox will have a particularly good year, culminating in the opportunity to punch Peter Costello in the face without any repercussions.

Sign of the Rabbit - Your year will be as good as the Ox's, with hot sexy people coming from every corner of the globe just to gaze adoringly at you and give you expensive gifts. Wood Rabbit will unexpectly become undisputed dictator of the world after all the world's leaders simultaneously agree that you would do a much better job and hand over power.

James is alive

2007-12-12T16:24:00.000+11:00

Amber:
James is alive!

James:
Yes, you thought you'd seen the last of me when your henchwomen chained an anvil to my ankles and tossed me overboard in the middle of the Pacific, but due to an amazingly unlikely set of circumstances that are so unbelievable that I won't insult your intelligence by relating them... I survived!!!

James rewrites The Lord's Prayer for Kiwis

2007-11-02T12:04:00.000+11:00

Our big bro, who like, lives up there,
Your name is grouse.
Hope the stuff you bin plannin comes good,
Down ere an up there.
Give us fish n chips an a bottle of L&P every day,
An don't be too heavy on us when we f-ck up,
Cus, like, we try not to be too heavy on our bros when they f-ck up.
Oh, an make sure we don't get picked up by the cops, eh?

Yeah, bro.

James and pants

2007-10-29T19:37:00.000+11:00

Amber:
So off to keep hemming pants.

James:
God, I was certain you wrote "herring pants" for a moment there.

Scott:
There's something fishy about the concept of herring pants.

James:
Do you wear them with a cod piece?

Scott:
Only if you have crabs.

James:
Caught at the gym, off the seat of the nautilus machine.

James the advocate

2007-10-19T11:26:00.001+10:00

Amber:
My boss just told threatened to fire me for owning SaltnPepa CDs and not setting them on fire.

James:
That's totally unfair! She can't discriminate against you for having a disability.

James forcasts the stupidity index

2007-10-16T20:17:00.001+10:00

Rebecca:
And what will be the indicators of stupidity?

James:
In early trading this morning the Federal Stupidity Index (FSI) took a battering after last night's eminently sensible announcements by the president. Barry Mouthbreather, CEO of the Reserve Stupidity Bank, has called a press conference, and is expected to announce a large release of stupidity stocks to prop up the ailing FSI.

James rebels

2007-10-16T20:06:00.000+10:00

Rebecca:
You shouldn't have lunchtime at say breakfast. That wouldn't work at

James:
I refuse to bow to the demands of the Sustenance Chronology Hegemony! I take my lunch at breakfast! I eat cornflakes for my midnight snack! Ice cream is a main course and bacon may be a dessert! Freedom!

James on the history of the printing press

2007-10-12T17:31:00.001+10:00

Michelle:
so obviously HUBBA HUBBA is passe

James:
More archaic than anything. I believed that fell out of use with the introduction of the Gutenberg press.

Scott:
Though the introduction of printing did lead to some amusing mistakes, such as the infamous "Hubba Hubba" Bible

James:

*snort*

"...and King David didst look upon Bathsheba as she bathed upon the roof, and he didst say unto his servants, 'Phwoar, check out the jugs on that!'"

James's political promises

2007-10-04T20:19:00.001+10:00

Amber:
I find the phrase 'chicken politics' quite strange taken out of context

James:
"No new taxes! Read my beak! No new taxes!"

Scott:
"The decision to cut the waterfowl intake for the year is not one based on race! They just do not fit in with decent, white chicken society!"

James:
"What you need to understand is that, during a pecking-order campaign, many promises are made. Once the election has occurred and the pecking order has been established, some of these promises may be judged to be core, and others non-core. My promise that I would not be introducing a 10% surcharge on all seed was an example of a non-core promise."

"We will fight them in the farmyard! We will fight them in the henhouse! And we will never, ever surrender!"

"Never before, in the field of chicken conflict, have so many eggs been laid by so few."

Nixon: "I am not a chook!"

Reagan: "Eggs were laid."

James is wrong

2007-10-04T20:18:00.000+10:00

After this story

James:
Bottoms up!

Scott, back me up here - my "bottoms up" comment was solid comedy gold, wasn't it?

Scott:
Indeed, I curse your quick-wittedness for coming up with it first. I would also have accepted from you something along the lines of "he was just arsing about"

a joke in the vein that the enema was a kind of "crack pipe" would also have been acceptable

Rebecca:
*laugh* Scott you rock

James:
Damn it. I snorted.

Thankfully I'm sick so people might have mistaken it for a disgusting sick person noise.

Scott:
I rock like a man with a hose in his bottom.

James:
AND AGAIN!!!

Curse you!

Scott:
"This is Red Leader reporting that both snort missiles have hit their target. I say again, target is down."

James:
"Now, young Jedi, witness the power of this full operational Deathsnort!"

Scott:
"That snort came from the Deathsnort! That thing's operational!"

James:
"It's heading for that small moon..."
"That's no moon... it's a snortstation..."

Scott:
"Your feeble snorts are no match for the power of the Dark Snort!"

James:
"It's your father's snortsabre. Not as clumsy or random as a blaster. A more civilised snort for a more civilised time."

James reviews a script

2007-10-04T19:50:00.001+10:00

Amber:
The film's called 'The Saved and the Sinful' and I get my script in 2 weeks

James:
Sounds like Jane Austen on crack.

Or an apocalyptic themed daytime soapie.

"Oh, Wayne, I'm so sorry..."
"What is it, Deborah? Tell me!"
"Wayne Junior... he... isn't your son!"
"I always suspected. But tell me, who is the father?"
"LUCIFER!!!"

James writes Wrongtown

2007-09-28T12:37:00.001+10:00

I want to see a movie called The Lords of Wrongtown.

You can just imagine the trailer...

In a town where wrong is king, the King of Wrong rules all...

"I know I can be wrong! I just know it! Wholesome humour just isn't me..."

...one young man will challenge the system...

"Forget it, Steve. You'll never be the King of Wrong - just face it!"

...and the love of a special woman...

"I believe in you, Steve. I know you can be wrong."

...and challenge a legend.

"You're nothing, boy!"
"I'm not nothing! You're... you're wrong!"
"Yes! I am the wrongest of them all! And never forget it! Ha ha haaaa!"

The Lords of Wrongtown. Coming soon.

James visits Wrongtown

2007-09-28T12:28:00.001+10:00

Amber:
now approaching 'Wrongtown'

James:
[stilted pre-recorded voice]

"The next station is... Wrongtown. Change here for services to... Meatbomb... and... Sleazy Dumpling."

"Attention Connex passengers. The eight... twenty... three... train to... Wrongtown... has been delayed, and is now expected in... eight... minutes. Connex is largely indifferent to any inconvenience this causes."

Scott:
All services on the Sleazy Dumpling line have been delayed indefinitely after a train derailed earlier this morning. A representative from Connex has stated the train was struck by a "large, fast moving snort" that failed to stop at the warning lights. The Department of Transport is currently investigating the incident.

James tells of the horrific fruit massacre

2007-09-05T20:22:00.001+10:00

James:
Victoria Police this morning held a press conference to confirm their investigation of a serial fruit mutilator, and warned all of Melbourne's fruits and vegetables to take care until the culprit is caught.

"Whoever it is committing these terrible crimes is brutal and efficient," said police spokesperson Grant E. Smith.

When asked by reporters about rumours had the previous victims had been found partially eaten, Smith refused to comment.

Scott:
Witnesses have been unwilling to approach police after a number of threats were made to "compost" anyone that came forward.

James:
The threats were made in anonymous letters to newspapers and police. While the contents of these letters have been kept secret by investigators, the "rambling scrawls on a wide range of topics" have been analysed by police forensics experts, who have announced that the letters were written in fruit juice, though no direct link to any of the victims has been confirmed.

Despite the threats, Melbourne-based internet chat rooms are abuzz with gruesome rumours about the case, including the popular claim that the victims were skinned alive.

Scott:
Police spokespeople have vehemently denied the skinning alive theories, stating that no peel has ever been found at any of the crime scenes. Nonetheless crime conspiracy theorists insist that skinning actually took place and that the peel may well have been "appropriately disposed of".

James:
No peel was found in nearby compost bins, but crime analysts have suggested that the perpetrator may be "one of those annoying tools who's always chucking compost in the landfill and recycling bins" and questioned whether such people "ever use their bloody eyes - the signs
are right there".

Scott:

Several of the more alarmist internet sites have been running stories about a supposed murderer that goes by the alias of "Boost" who has been known to place his victims into a blender and puree them until they are liquid. While this reporter has doubts regarding the authenticity of these stories, nonetheless the police spokesperson was contacted about them and this paper was told in no uncertain terms that this kind of baseless rumour would only damage ongoing investigations and ensure that witnesses would be less inclined to come forward.

James:
Fruit and vegetable community spokesman Walter Melon suggested the slayings may be the work of underground anti-fruit political organisations.

"Honest fruits and vegetables have been fighting for recognition for decades," he said in a press conference in the Goulburn Valley today. "We still recoil in horror when we see archival film of the cruel treatment inflicted upon our forefruits by such people as [fruit slavery advocate] Carmen Miranda."

Scott:
Yet others have claimed the spate of killings to be inspired by god. Rev. Benny Banana of the radical Baptist Church of Latter Day Fruits says the slayings are due to the immoral lifestyle of certain fruits. "If God had wanted fruit salad, He would have made the world a bowl! Different fruits should not lay down together, it is a sin in the eyes of God!" stated the Reverend. Mainstream church have moved to distance themselves from the Reverend, who is known for his diatribes against fruit salad.

James:
On a lighter note, police spokesperson Grant E. Smith embarrassed himself this morning while joking with reporters before the commencement of a press conference. Smith is reported to have quipped that he hated having to get up early and "wear this bloody bag of fruit". A shocked silence followed, during which Smith seemed to notice the presence of several Vegetative-Australians in the room. An unnamed beetroot, however, broke the silence by shouting, "Look, he's turned the colour of me!" causing the room to erupt in laughter and the uncomfortable moment to be left behind.

Never the less, leading Victorian fruit and vegetable advocates have called for an official apology from Smith.