James on words

Amber:
Me being into the old lingusitics and all. At work.

James:
Linguistics at Work
Lingusitics on Holiday
Linguishticsh at Friday Night Drinks

Scott:
"Izza....iz.....iz a" *burp* "noun right? S'noun. Yeah. Wha'? Nah, izz not a f--ckin' ad.....ag....ajertive, s'a noun, init. Noun. Iz a noun in m'beer" *giggle* *falls over*

James and Mr Excitement

James:

Mr Excitement arrives at the office. He tastes his morning coffee and his eyes widen! "My god! It's... it's... sweet! They added two sugars instead of one!" Immediately he leaps into action!

[Fanfare.] "Everybody! Listen to me! The fate of the world rests on your answer to this question..." The whole office leans expectantly, awaiting the words of pure excitement from Mr Excitement's lips. "Does anyone take their coffee with two sugars? If so..." [Dramatic chord.] "...you can have this coffee for free!"

Scott:

That's the Excitement King, not Mr Excitement. Sheesh. I shall not have my royalty belittled

James:

This story takes place before Mr Excitement is contacted by a snobby lawyer, telling him he is the sole heir to the Duchy of Excitement. It is not until some time later that the Duchy of Excitement leads a coup de'tat and claims the throne of Excitement.

James reprises lunch

James:
"Aye, Cap'n, we be happy t' join yer crew and go lunch plunderin'. We'll cruise along the wealthy coasts of Bourke and Lonsdale, keepin' an eye out in the crow's nest for a fat, slow merchant vessel carryin' Thai green curries."

Scott:
"Captain! Captain! Pirate vessel off the port bow! She's flying the crossed schnitzels on a plate of chips flag of Blackheart James McStabyoulots!"
"May good have mercy on us all! Hard t'starboard Mr Winkles! Lieutenant Beanie, ready the dumpling cannons!"

James has lunch

James:
Houston, we have received maximum hunger saturation point, and are now initiating lunchification sequence, on my mark... three, two, one, lunch. We have lunch. I repeat, Houston, we have attained lunch.

Scott:
Houston, this Bagel 1, the lunch manoeuvre has been successfully completed. I repeat, the bagel is in the belly. Requesting go for belt loosening manoeuvre.

James:
Sandwich docking manouevre initiating. Command, decompress upper forward sustenance hatch and open to full.

James on Asian action movies

Amber:
'Wind snake'.
It's very zen.

James:
Sounds like something from an early Jackie Chan flick.

[Assume dialogue is hopelessly out of synch with lip movements.]

"Nooo! My master! Evil Lord Chung has killed you because you refused to give him the secret scrolls detailing to final lessons of the Wind Snake fighting style! I will study these scrolls myself and avenge you! But first, a pointless slapstick sequence.."

Scott:
"So, young Feng Shui, you think you can defeat me with your Wind Snake fighting style? The Wind Snake did not save your master, it shall not save you! For I am a master of that most ancient and secret of martial arts! The Shao Lin monks of Hopping Zombie Mountain trained me themselves, and when I was strong enough I killed them all! Like I shall kill you! Ha ha ha! Fear me, Feng Shui, for I am a master of the ancient art of Yelling At the Hot Sheila on the Footpath From Your Car!"

James:
"No! He is too strong! I have failed you my master! I shall now flee into the countryside and have whacky adventures, until a grumpy old hermit befriends me and reveals he was my old master's own teacher, and if I can clean up my act and control my rage he will teach me the very secret and deadly Shampoo Carpet and Dust Venetians fighting style!"

Scott:
"Arrgh! I did not foresee this likely and predictable plot twist! Curses! I must send my loyal and incompetent minions after you so that you may kill them all in a highly improbable and furiously energetic fight scene that will undoubtedly include you at some point kicking a wooden stool into the groin of one of my men while smacking the others into the supporting beams of a small wooden tavern, which will then collapse! Curse you, Feng Shui!"

James:
"Ah-haaa! I am victorious! But no! Look! The fight has set an unlikely chain reaction into motion, and though victorious in battle I require one more death-defying stunt shot from multiple camera angles. Note my slightly different hairstyle, as the first take went wrong and I nearly died, resulting in a three month hospital stay!"

James writes horoscopes

Bah, I'm as much of an expert in this rubbish as any of those wankers.

Here!

Sign of the Ox - Your year will kick seven kinds of arse. You will get rich, be chased by a harem of hot women, and wake one morning to discover that your touch can cure cancer. Water Ox will have a particularly good year, culminating in the opportunity to punch Peter Costello in the face without any repercussions.

Sign of the Rabbit - Your year will be as good as the Ox's, with hot sexy people coming from every corner of the globe just to gaze adoringly at you and give you expensive gifts. Wood Rabbit will unexpectly become undisputed dictator of the world after all the world's leaders simultaneously agree that you would do a much better job and hand over power.

James is alive

Amber:
James is alive!

James:
Yes, you thought you'd seen the last of me when your henchwomen chained an anvil to my ankles and tossed me overboard in the middle of the Pacific, but due to an amazingly unlikely set of circumstances that are so unbelievable that I won't insult your intelligence by relating them... I survived!!!