Question 17
What would you say is the applicant's overriding attitude to goats?
a) No opinion / don't know
b) The baby ones are cute in petting zoos
c) Their meat is good to eat
d) The applicant's life revolves around goat references
Question 18
In your opinion, what is the applicant's overriding attitude to cheese?
a) No opinion / don't know
b) Don't like it or lactose intolerant
c) It is a tasy snack
d) Cheese is an underutilised building material, and geneticists should be working on hybridising a weasel and a wheel of Jarlsberg
Thursday, January 31, 2008
James is still wrong
Number one on the ARIA chart this week is Scott and the Cheeseweasels with their new single "Sleazy Dumpling" (B-side: "Herpes Goat Goes to Wrong Town").
James channels David
Michelle:
are you channelling my partner, by any chance?
James:
*places hands on ouija board*
"Oh great spirits, guide my hands! Grant me your wisdom!"
*glass slides over board, and spells out FLEMINGTON RACE 12, GATE 6, SIX TO ONE, SURE THING*
are you channelling my partner, by any chance?
James:
*places hands on ouija board*
"Oh great spirits, guide my hands! Grant me your wisdom!"
*glass slides over board, and spells out FLEMINGTON RACE 12, GATE 6, SIX TO ONE, SURE THING*
James doesn't entertain Cthulhu
Scott:
*summons great cthulhu*
James:
What? No, no! You can't just invite guests over without telling me! The place is a pigsty, and we don't have any biscuits, and the liquor cabinet is a bit dry, and... oh god, I haven't done my hair!
Could you take Cthulhu to the pub for an hour or so while I do a quick cleanup and pop down to the supermarket? I'd be mortified if he saw the place in its current state...
Scott:
*down at the pub*
Me: yah know, Keegan isn't going to be able to drag Newcastle out of its slump
Cthulhu: F--cking Newcastle board couldn't find its arse with a billion screaming demonic newborn. Its not like it used to be in the good old days, when we'd wander down to the football from the pub and cheer our boys on, then wander home via Shammi's All Night Soul Kebab van...
James:
Many drinks later...
Cthulhu: Gotta go for a slash.
*slowly and carefully, Cthulhu drags himself to his feet*
Cthulhu: The Great Lord Cthulhu has risen! *giggle*
*falls over*
*summons great cthulhu*
James:
What? No, no! You can't just invite guests over without telling me! The place is a pigsty, and we don't have any biscuits, and the liquor cabinet is a bit dry, and... oh god, I haven't done my hair!
Could you take Cthulhu to the pub for an hour or so while I do a quick cleanup and pop down to the supermarket? I'd be mortified if he saw the place in its current state...
Scott:
*down at the pub*
Me: yah know, Keegan isn't going to be able to drag Newcastle out of its slump
Cthulhu: F--cking Newcastle board couldn't find its arse with a billion screaming demonic newborn. Its not like it used to be in the good old days, when we'd wander down to the football from the pub and cheer our boys on, then wander home via Shammi's All Night Soul Kebab van...
James:
Many drinks later...
Cthulhu: Gotta go for a slash.
*slowly and carefully, Cthulhu drags himself to his feet*
Cthulhu: The Great Lord Cthulhu has risen! *giggle*
*falls over*
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
James and zombie performance interviews
"Thanks for coming in to talk with me, Dave. Please close the door and take a seat. Now, I just wanted to have a quick word about your work performance over the past few weeks. I'm not the only one who has noticed a sharp decline in productivity, and that report for finance is now a week overdue. Now, you've been a great employee for years, and you're a highly valued member of our team. Please don't think this is some kind of warning or telling-off. I'm just worried about you, Dave. I want you to know that, even though I'm your boss, I also consider you to be a friend, and if something is going on in your life that is making it hard for you to concentrate on work, I want to make it clear that my door is always open to you, and if you feel comfortable talking about it, I am happy to lend an ear. Maybe I can help you come up with solutions for whatever's bothering you, so please feel free to pick my brain..."
"Wrrroooaaaaaaaaggghrrrrr..."
*door bursts open*
"What the hell is going on here? Why is an employee being counselled by management without a union representative present?"
"I assure you, Priscilla, that this is not a formal counselling. I'm just having a chat with Dave about whatever is distracting him from his work, and extending a hand of friendship to assist him in any way I-"
"Oh rubbish, Phil. We both know what this is about. It's the beginning of the end, isn't it? A little chat, a few notes on his file, quiet word in the ear of executive management, and all of a sudden poor old Dave gets a cheap brass watch and a lousy redundancy package."
"Pris, really, it's nothing like-"
"Can you honestly say that this chat today has nothing to do with David's reanimated status?"
"Uh... Ahem, no.. Not even remotely..."
"Yes, very convincing. You're yet another damned vivialist, thinking you can treat a loyal employee like rubbish just because he's a Post Mortem Ambulist."
"Pris, I promise you, the fact that Dave is a zombie-"
"Ah-hah!"
"Sorry, I mean Post Mort-"
"You said 'zombie'! Oh, you're in trouble now, Phil. You know that our EEO regulations explicitly prohibit any kind of discrimination on the basis of vivial status. Come on Dave - we're leaving."
"Graaaawwwwwwwhhhh..."
"Wrrroooaaaaaaaaggghrrrrr..."
*door bursts open*
"What the hell is going on here? Why is an employee being counselled by management without a union representative present?"
"I assure you, Priscilla, that this is not a formal counselling. I'm just having a chat with Dave about whatever is distracting him from his work, and extending a hand of friendship to assist him in any way I-"
"Oh rubbish, Phil. We both know what this is about. It's the beginning of the end, isn't it? A little chat, a few notes on his file, quiet word in the ear of executive management, and all of a sudden poor old Dave gets a cheap brass watch and a lousy redundancy package."
"Pris, really, it's nothing like-"
"Can you honestly say that this chat today has nothing to do with David's reanimated status?"
"Uh... Ahem, no.. Not even remotely..."
"Yes, very convincing. You're yet another damned vivialist, thinking you can treat a loyal employee like rubbish just because he's a Post Mortem Ambulist."
"Pris, I promise you, the fact that Dave is a zombie-"
"Ah-hah!"
"Sorry, I mean Post Mort-"
"You said 'zombie'! Oh, you're in trouble now, Phil. You know that our EEO regulations explicitly prohibit any kind of discrimination on the basis of vivial status. Come on Dave - we're leaving."
"Graaaawwwwwwwhhhh..."
James and Scott waxing on a theme
You be the judge as to which blog this should be in, but for now its here.
James:
Last time on The Young and the Restless Dead...
"Oh Kane... you know I still love you, but... you've changed. You're not the man I married. Please don't hate me for this, but... I'm going to make a new life with Bradley. I'm filing for divorce."
"Nyyaaaawwwwwrgh..."
Scott:
Tonight on Backyard Blitz our team of zombies take the Anderson's garden from toxic waste dump to Japanese zen garden perfection!
"Oh its just so beautiful, we don't know what to say! Thank you zombie blitz team!"
"Gnyaaaaarrrgh..."
James:
"...but still found time to befriend an orphaned kitten. That's the news for tonight. Now, it's over to Kevin for tonight's zombiological report."
"Thanks Doug. Zombie activity across the state was down on the January average today, but as you can see from the satellite photo, we have a large band of undead sweeping down from the northwest, bringing a cold front with it that should make itself felt in the early hours this morning. If you need to leave the house tomorrow, I'd suggest rugging up and bringing a shotgun."
Scott:
"And just a reminder to all staff that tomorrow is Bring Your Zombie to Work day. The office social club will be providing zombie-themed snacks for morning and afternoon tea, but i'd ask all staff to keep their zombies chained as we don't want any OH&S incidents. Please also remember to bring your shotguns and if you don't have a shotgun please see Cheryl and she will supply you with one from the stationery cupboard, but only if you have your office ID with you. Also, in the light of last year's little accident during BYZW day, please remember that if your zombie does get hungry then let him loose in our competitor's building next door, not out on the showroom floor with our customers.
Oh, and for those of you that don't have a zombie we do have some discount vouchers for Tina the Voodoo Priestess who guarantees to raise the loved one of your choice from the dead."
-------------------
"Hi, you've called the Addicts Anonymous Helpline. My name's Dave and I'm trained social worker who would love to help you. Now tell me, what addiction is weighing you down?"
"Braaaaaaaaiiiiiiiinnnnssss...."
"I feel for you man, I really do, we've all been down that road and its a tough climb back. Look, I'll tell you what, I'll sign you up for out weekly Addicts Anonymous meetings where you can meet with those similarly afflicted and support each other on the road to recovery. Today is the first day of the rest of your life! Isn't life a wonderful thing? Now tell me, guy, what is it you're gonna kick?"
"Braaaiiiinnnnsss..."
"Dude, that's the spirit!"
James:
Last time on The Young and the Restless Dead...
"Oh Kane... you know I still love you, but... you've changed. You're not the man I married. Please don't hate me for this, but... I'm going to make a new life with Bradley. I'm filing for divorce."
"Nyyaaaawwwwwrgh..."
Scott:
Tonight on Backyard Blitz our team of zombies take the Anderson's garden from toxic waste dump to Japanese zen garden perfection!
"Oh its just so beautiful, we don't know what to say! Thank you zombie blitz team!"
"Gnyaaaaarrrgh..."
James:
"...but still found time to befriend an orphaned kitten. That's the news for tonight. Now, it's over to Kevin for tonight's zombiological report."
"Thanks Doug. Zombie activity across the state was down on the January average today, but as you can see from the satellite photo, we have a large band of undead sweeping down from the northwest, bringing a cold front with it that should make itself felt in the early hours this morning. If you need to leave the house tomorrow, I'd suggest rugging up and bringing a shotgun."
Scott:
"And just a reminder to all staff that tomorrow is Bring Your Zombie to Work day. The office social club will be providing zombie-themed snacks for morning and afternoon tea, but i'd ask all staff to keep their zombies chained as we don't want any OH&S incidents. Please also remember to bring your shotguns and if you don't have a shotgun please see Cheryl and she will supply you with one from the stationery cupboard, but only if you have your office ID with you. Also, in the light of last year's little accident during BYZW day, please remember that if your zombie does get hungry then let him loose in our competitor's building next door, not out on the showroom floor with our customers.
Oh, and for those of you that don't have a zombie we do have some discount vouchers for Tina the Voodoo Priestess who guarantees to raise the loved one of your choice from the dead."
-------------------
"Hi, you've called the Addicts Anonymous Helpline. My name's Dave and I'm trained social worker who would love to help you. Now tell me, what addiction is weighing you down?"
"Braaaaaaaaiiiiiiiinnnnssss...."
"I feel for you man, I really do, we've all been down that road and its a tough climb back. Look, I'll tell you what, I'll sign you up for out weekly Addicts Anonymous meetings where you can meet with those similarly afflicted and support each other on the road to recovery. Today is the first day of the rest of your life! Isn't life a wonderful thing? Now tell me, guy, what is it you're gonna kick?"
"Braaaiiiinnnnsss..."
"Dude, that's the spirit!"
James and Zombies
Scott:
SPF 3+, protection against all forms of the undead! Now waterproof!
James:
Remember kids, when zombies are attacking, Stick Stock Stack!
Stick something pointy through the brain, stock up on food and ammo, and stack barricades over doors and windows!
SPF 3+, protection against all forms of the undead! Now waterproof!
James:
Remember kids, when zombies are attacking, Stick Stock Stack!
Stick something pointy through the brain, stock up on food and ammo, and stack barricades over doors and windows!
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