James:
If you ever want to opt-in, just give me a shout.
Lee:
*hands you a shout, a shiny new one, no less*
James:
Oh, thank you. It's a nice loud one.
*pulls the string*
MY FACE IS COVERED IN BUTTER!
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
James has special vu
James:
Jamais vu is interesting. I get that relatively often.
You ever get that? "I know I have been here/met this person/etc. before, but for a moment it felt totally new and disturbing."
Every time it happens I get paranoid that I'm a clone who was vat-grown and neurally programmed just this morning, and there are small gaps in the brain imprint. Because, you know, people would love to spend billions on human cloning in order to make me.
Amber:
*snort*
James:
"Okay, I've got ten billion dollars burning a hole in my pocket. What should we do with it?"
"Clone some random unremarkable guy and send his brain-imprinted clone out to take his place in his normal life while we keep the original guy in a cage and throw fruit at him?"
"Urm... actually, I was thinking about invading a small Middle Eastern nation... but your plan is good too."
Jamais vu is interesting. I get that relatively often.
You ever get that? "I know I have been here/met this person/etc. before, but for a moment it felt totally new and disturbing."
Every time it happens I get paranoid that I'm a clone who was vat-grown and neurally programmed just this morning, and there are small gaps in the brain imprint. Because, you know, people would love to spend billions on human cloning in order to make me.
Amber:
*snort*
James:
"Okay, I've got ten billion dollars burning a hole in my pocket. What should we do with it?"
"Clone some random unremarkable guy and send his brain-imprinted clone out to take his place in his normal life while we keep the original guy in a cage and throw fruit at him?"
"Urm... actually, I was thinking about invading a small Middle Eastern nation... but your plan is good too."
Friday, August 22, 2008
James explains quantum millinery
Rebecca:
I'm putting on my potential congratulatory hat
Scott:
...so it's a kind of Schrodinger's Hat?
Rebecca:
Yes, just like that
Scott:
Its a little known fact that Dr Seuss' 'Cat in the Hat' was a scientific paper describing an attempt to combine Schrodinger's two thought experiments, namely Schrodinger's Cat and Schrodinger's Hat.
James:
*observes Bec's hat*
Oops, I think I just collapsed the waveform
Scott:
Was anyone wearing the hat at the time? Have we suffered any skull blow-outs?
James:
You're obviously ignorant of the standard theories of quantum millinery. If the hat was in a state of quantum flux, both there and not there, then the observation would not cause it to simply appear. The observation will collapse the waveform and at that point the hat will have _always_ been there, even during the period when it also wasn't.
Scott:
So old photographs of a hatless you will suddenly show you wearing a fineshiny tophat?
James:
Only if the photographer took your photo without looking at you and nobody looked at any of the resulting photos.
Scott:
Wow, quantam millinery is more complicated than I had ever imagined!
I'm putting on my potential congratulatory hat
Scott:
...so it's a kind of Schrodinger's Hat?
Rebecca:
Yes, just like that
Scott:
Its a little known fact that Dr Seuss' 'Cat in the Hat' was a scientific paper describing an attempt to combine Schrodinger's two thought experiments, namely Schrodinger's Cat and Schrodinger's Hat.
James:
*observes Bec's hat*
Oops, I think I just collapsed the waveform
Scott:
Was anyone wearing the hat at the time? Have we suffered any skull blow-outs?
James:
You're obviously ignorant of the standard theories of quantum millinery. If the hat was in a state of quantum flux, both there and not there, then the observation would not cause it to simply appear. The observation will collapse the waveform and at that point the hat will have _always_ been there, even during the period when it also wasn't.
Scott:
So old photographs of a hatless you will suddenly show you wearing a fineshiny tophat?
James:
Only if the photographer took your photo without looking at you and nobody looked at any of the resulting photos.
Scott:
Wow, quantam millinery is more complicated than I had ever imagined!
Friday, August 8, 2008
James builds an interweb for Michelle
Woohoo! I look forward to assembling your interwebs for you.
"Let's see... cute cats photos go here, angry political rants go here, porn goes here and here and here and here and here and here and here and here and here and here and here... and here... and here and here... and here..."
"Let's see... cute cats photos go here, angry political rants go here, porn goes here and here and here and here and here and here and here and here and here and here and here... and here... and here and here... and here..."
Monday, July 14, 2008
James puns and the world takes cover
Scott:
That was the pun equivalent of a nuclear device. The radiation is burning me.
James
[Scott enters the room in a reflective plastic radiation suit.]That was the pun equivalent of a nuclear device. The radiation is burning me.
James
"Control, I'm scanning the area now. Wordplayometer is on."
*crackle of static* "Careful, Scott. That suit will protect you, but not forever and not if the levels get too high."
"Checking the read-out, there's acceptable background pun radiation, but nothing serious."
*crackle* "Okay... proceed, but be careful."
"Hmmmm... just saw a small spike... jumped briefly from normal levels to Douglas Adams, but dropped ag- wait! The needle's climbing, Control."
"How high? Scott, how high?"
"It's topped Adams and ticked over into Pratchett... still within safe levels for this suit."
"For now, yes. That suit is rated up to Fforde levels, but only for a few minutes. If levels climb above Pratchett, I'm pulling you out. Do you understand me, Scott?"
"Loud and clearm Control. Hmmm... I see evidence of recent pun activity. I can see a few words that have been twisted beyond breaking point, and... oh my god..."
"What is it, Scott? . . . Scott, talk to me!"
"I've found a body, Control. Oh, Jesus... looks like they copped an Asprin-level blast right in the face. The face... oh, the expression of pain... horrible..."
*beep beep beep* "Scott, I'm getting a warning tone. What's going on?"
"Pun levels are spiking. Oh god... I have to get out of here!"
"What is it, Scott? Talk to me?"
"Xanth, Control! The needle's flipped right into the red and maxed out on Xanth. I need to get out right now!"
"Scott, that suit will only take Xanth-level pun radiation for a minute at most! Move!"
*pant pant* "Control, I don't think I'm going to make it..."
"Don't say that, Scott, just keep moving! Save your breath."
"If I don't make it, tell the world... someone has developed a Piers Anthony pun dirty bomb and used it on a civilian population. This is... monstrous!"
Monday, June 23, 2008
James writes a Japanese movie
[All dialogue badly out of synch with speaker's mouth]
"Oh no! The Brunasaurus has risen from beneath the sea! it is going to destroy Tokyo!"
"Again? We only just finished cleaning up after the last time!"
"What can we do? We are doomed!"
"Look! Michzilla!"
*ROOOOOAAAAWWRR!*
"They are fighting each other!"
"Ever noticed how the buildings of out city look oddly fake whenever giant monsters turn up?"
"Quiet!"
"Michzilla is victorious! "
...and now, the same scene with Japanese dialogue and English subtitles:
"No! Brownsaurus is rising from ocean! Tokyo will been destruction!"
"Curse also! Recently our city had clean from previous assaulting!"
"I can't think to do! We have doomed!"
"See behind! Michizira!"
*ARRR!*
"Amaze! They go at fight!"
"Has they seen that toy plastics house where the monster giants coming?"
"Shut!"
"Michizira victorise!"
"Oh no! The Brunasaurus has risen from beneath the sea! it is going to destroy Tokyo!"
"Again? We only just finished cleaning up after the last time!"
"What can we do? We are doomed!"
"Look! Michzilla!"
*ROOOOOAAAAWWRR!*
"They are fighting each other!"
"Ever noticed how the buildings of out city look oddly fake whenever giant monsters turn up?"
"Quiet!"
"Michzilla is victorious! "
...and now, the same scene with Japanese dialogue and English subtitles:
"No! Brownsaurus is rising from ocean! Tokyo will been destruction!"
"Curse also! Recently our city had clean from previous assaulting!"
"I can't think to do! We have doomed!"
"See behind! Michizira!"
*ARRR!*
"Amaze! They go at fight!"
"Has they seen that toy plastics house where the monster giants coming?"
"Shut!"
"Michizira victorise!"
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
James could have a windfall
Rebecca:
what would you do with another one?
Scott:
Build a robot with it that could take over the world.
Michelle:
gift it to less technologically equipped friends...
Scott:
Build a cargo cult around it that will enslave millions and force them to build giant stone idols of you!
James:
An excellent suggestion, but my advisors tell me I should sell it and use the proceeds to buy either a 360 or a Wii.
They also tell me that the people are unhappy and demand a Colosseum.
Scott:
They get the Colosseum once they stop complaining about the high crime rate.
Another option would be to sell it and use the proceeds to buy yourself a nice LCD monitor in time for your new PC.
James:
$500-600 would buy a 27". Such a huge monitor would surely drive a man mad.
Scott:
At The Monitors of Madness, by H.P. Starcraft.
James:
For three days Wilkinson muttered and raved and screamed, with perspiration falling from him in sheets. Most of it was mercifully incomprehensible, but sometimes as I mopped his fevered brow with a cool, damp cloth I caught snatches of phrases. They were meaningless gibberish, but somehow they filled me with dread, and made the already claustrophobic room feel suffocating. He babbled about "interlace versus progressive" and "plasma panels". It was at the end, as his skin burned so hot I felt sure he must begin to smoulder, that he opened his eyes. He locked gazes with me, and the cloth dropped nervelessly from my hand. "Stephens," he whispered, a harsh sandpaper rasp, "Stephen there were... dead pixels... dead pixels in the sky..." Then, he died. Yet still, the horror of his words lives on in my tortured mind.
what would you do with another one?
Scott:
Build a robot with it that could take over the world.
Michelle:
gift it to less technologically equipped friends...
Scott:
Build a cargo cult around it that will enslave millions and force them to build giant stone idols of you!
James:
An excellent suggestion, but my advisors tell me I should sell it and use the proceeds to buy either a 360 or a Wii.
They also tell me that the people are unhappy and demand a Colosseum.
Scott:
They get the Colosseum once they stop complaining about the high crime rate.
Another option would be to sell it and use the proceeds to buy yourself a nice LCD monitor in time for your new PC.
James:
$500-600 would buy a 27". Such a huge monitor would surely drive a man mad.
Scott:
At The Monitors of Madness, by H.P. Starcraft.
James:
For three days Wilkinson muttered and raved and screamed, with perspiration falling from him in sheets. Most of it was mercifully incomprehensible, but sometimes as I mopped his fevered brow with a cool, damp cloth I caught snatches of phrases. They were meaningless gibberish, but somehow they filled me with dread, and made the already claustrophobic room feel suffocating. He babbled about "interlace versus progressive" and "plasma panels". It was at the end, as his skin burned so hot I felt sure he must begin to smoulder, that he opened his eyes. He locked gazes with me, and the cloth dropped nervelessly from my hand. "Stephens," he whispered, a harsh sandpaper rasp, "Stephen there were... dead pixels... dead pixels in the sky..." Then, he died. Yet still, the horror of his words lives on in my tortured mind.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)