James writes selection criteria

The successful applicant will have a demonstrated ability to:
1) carry out everyday tasks with a far greater degree of pomposity than remotely justified in context;
2) forget every piece of technical procedure ever learned and rely on the services of a PA in much the same way that a foetus relies on an umbilicus and placenta; and
3) disregard all impracticality, illegality, and stupidity from all instructions received from superiors interstate and deliver these instructions as gospel to subordinates.

James and quantum entanglement theory

Scott:
I just read it. I think it's your best one so far

James:
Oooh-errr, that's a big call...

Even better than my one last year that used Tetris as the starting point for a flawless conciliation between relativity and quantum mechanics?

Scott:
That was good, but I did think you kind of got a bit lost trying to fit the duck into it.

James:
The duck is definitely an important part of the puzzle. One day I shall decipher his enigmatic role... one day, duck... one day...

Scott:
And then we shall have the James [surname] Theory of Quantum Duck Entanglement'?

James:
I hate it when my quanta get entangled with a duck...

Rebecca:
In the end, everything is chairs

James:
Are there ducks sitting on the chairs?

Even more interesting than quantum entanglement is cumquat entanglement.

It's based on the QM idea that unpopular fruit that lies unobserved in the supermarket bins for long enough will technically cease to exist.

Scott:
And if someone does eventually observe it it turns into a duck.

James, Conan and Crum

Scott:
I finally have a name for my character:Crummon Uthbot, known affectionately to friends as "Crum" and to enemies as "argh get that axe out of my spleen"

James:
Just don't hang out with Conan.

"Crom!"
"What?"
"Huh?"
"You said..."
"I said Crom."
"Oh, Crom!"
"Yeah."
"I thought..."
"Oh, you thought..."
"Crum."
"Yeah, Crum."
"Funny."
"Yeah."
"..."
"You have really hot biceps."
"Sorry, Conan - straight."
"Oh, no, I meant..."
"..."
"It was a compliment. Nothing..."
"...?"
"You know, not a..."
"Come on?"
"Yeah."
"...?"
"I mean nah, not a..."
"Come on."
"Yeah."
"So... Cimmeria, eh?"
"Yeah. It's a hole."
"Really?"
"Yeah, couldn't wait to get out of it."
"That bad?"
"Only just got a 7-Eleven last year."
"Serious?"
"Yeah."
"..."
"Crum..."
"..."
"Uh..."
"Oh, you were talking to me?"
"Yeah."
"Oh, sorry, I thought..."
"Crom?"
"Yeah, like an oath."
"Nah, Crum."
"Oh, sorry."
"No prob."
"It... uh..."
"...?"
"It was a come on."
"Sorry mate, still straight."
"Are you sure?"
"Yes."
"Ah, Crom..."
"Was that..."
"Yeah, that one was an oath."
"Okay."

James discovers Demoncracy

Rebecca:
typo of the day - demoncracy

Scott:
I like it! 1 demon, 1 vote!

Michelle:
sounds like this place to me

Rebecca:
True enough. Roll on end 2009 when I can go and find out if the rest of the world sucks as much as [this place] does currently.

James:
The world outside [your work] will suck just as much, but they'll pay you two to three times more as compensation.

Scott:
and then it'll devour your soul.

James:
That's a demoncracy for you. If you don't love your country, you can immigrate to the bloody Vatican.

Scott:
I'm a proud flag waving demoncratist!

James:
I can picture the bumper stickers now...

"I sacrifice virgins and I vote!"
"Honk if you love Bealzebub!"
"Protect your demonic rights - join an Unholy Union today!"
"Spawn of Satan on board!"
"My other car is a nightmare-drawn fiery chariot of hell!"
"I don't brake for Christians!"
"Our country - love it or have your heart cut out with a ceremonial
obsidian knife on an altar of human bones!"

(That last one is catchy...)

Scott:
And fundamentalist demoncratists have a stylised fish with horns sticker for their fiery chariots.

James:
Ah yes, and there will be long debates between the two completely opposed and very different political parties: The Demonic Party and the Australian Devils.

"Of course, I agree with the honorable member for Flayed and Screaming that we must suck the souls of Australian taxpayers, but I still claim that the specifics of the proposed Perpetual Anguish Bill are just not thoroughly thought out. We want the Australian public to know that we are looking after their best interests."

Michelle:
no fair making me snort while eating French Fries...evil James

James:
It's okay to laugh about it, since it's so completely divorced from our political reality.

*nods earnestly*

Scott:
"Mr Speaker I'd like to respectfully point out that the other side of the chamber is clearly made out of unrepresentative holy water."

"Mr Speaker! Mr Speaker! You're out of line you halo-clad choirboy!"

"The honourable member for Screaming Impalement can take his betentacled head and shove it up all 600 of his betentacled arses consecutively!"

"Mr Speaker, I'd like to table a dismemberment motion against the honourable member for Dripping Ichor."

Yes, its just like when Keating was in power.

James and the gypsy physicists

Scott:
I have an allegation here concerning "gypsy physics scams".
Damn those gypsy physicists, always hogging the radio telescope.

James:
"Welcome, sir, welcome! Come into our travelling carnival, sir! See, my wife Madame Clarisa, she will read your palm and scry the future in the tarot. Over here is Wilhelm, who has many fine items of jewelry for sale at very reasonable prices.. Ahhh, and here is my son, Daryn, who shall dazzle you with his perpetual motion machine and cold fusion generator..."

Scott:
Beware the blood feuds between rival clans of gypsy physicists

James:
"Listen to me, Martika! You will obey your papa! You can no longer ee this boy!"
"But papa! I love him! He wants to marry me!"
"You cannot marry him! He is of the Grozny clan! The Groznys are our worn enemies!"
"Your sworn enemies, papa, not mine. I care nothing for these old feuds between the clans."
"Martika! They are our enemies for a good reason! No honour, any of them. They are a clan without honour!"
"Why do you say this, papa? Why can I not be with the boy I love?"
"HIS FATHER STOLE MY RESEARCH!"
"What... what do you mean, papa?"
"I'm sorry, Martika... I didn't want to tell you... but you are old enough now. His father and I were using the same lab space when we were both your age..."
"What happened papa?"
"He stole my notes... my research... Stole a patent out from under me, using my research into heat-efficient semi-conductors..."
"Oh papa... I never knew..."
"I was a broken man, and never completed my doctorate... and that is why no daughter of mine shall marry a stinking dog Grozny!!!"

James describes Scott's weirdness

Scott could be standing next to a tentacled ectoplasmic horror from the Cthulhu Mythos and people would point at Scott and ask the amorphous thing-that-should-not-be, "Who's the weirdo?"

James invents a supervillain

James:
Look! Monkeys!

Andrew:
monkeys. where?
*looks around frantically*

James:
I lied.
For I am...
*rips off shirt to reveal supervillain costume*
Fictional Monkey Distraction Man!

Andrew:
*gasps* ohnoes

James:
Bit of a niche skill, really.
"FMD Man! Quick shoot Captain Sexpants before he escapes!"
"Look! Monkeys!"
*Captain Sexpants escapes*

Andrew:
lols

James:
Many heroes would go mad trying to interrogate him, though.
"Damn it, tell me where General Evilness is hiding, or I-"
"Look! Monkeys!"
"What? Damn it! I fell for it again! Stop doing that!"
"Sorry, I can't- Oh my god! Monkeys!"
"No, not falling for it again."
"Haha, that one's wearing a little jacket!"
"Really? DAMN IT!"