James and the mechanoraptor

Amber:
Meanwhile, if I never have to write the phrase 'rapidly-adapting mechanoreceptor' again, I will be a happy person. Until the exam, at least.

James:
Damn, I'm disappointed. I was sure you wrote "rapidly-adapting mechanoraptor" for a moment and I thought "Cool! They're teaching her to make killer dinosaur robots!"

Amber:
Killer robot dinosaurs that LEARN.
That's not until second semester.

James:
Screenplay excerpt from MECHANORAPTOR, written by James Dominguez and Lee Murray
Scene 46

INTERIOR - RUINED LABORATORY

The MAIN LABORATORY of the research facility is ruined and dim. SIMPKINS lies on a desk, using it as a makeshift stretcher. His right arm ends at the elbow with a bloody stump, covered in scarlet rags. FLETCHER is attempting to barricade the door of the laboratory, which is shaking under repeated assaults by the MECHANORAPTORS.

FLETCHER - I don't understand, Simpkins. What did you do here? How did this happen?

SIMPKINS - [Speaking weakly, perhaps dying] We were given a brief by the army. Make them cybernetic, make them raptors, and make them rapidly-adaptable.

FLETCHER - It's such a simple plan! What on earth went wrong?

SIMPKINS - We could never have anticipated it. We put them in the finest cardboard boxes available, shackled them with chains made of only the highest quality liquorice. Armed guards patrolled their containment facility no less than once a month.

FLETCHER - It's the least I would have expected from you, but how did such extreme security measures fail? How, Simpkins?

SIMPKINS - We never expected... We made them highly-adaptable as requested, but we never thought... they would adapt in a bad way.

FLETCHER - [Shocked] No!

SIMPKINS - Yes. In our hubris we never thought that being highly-adaptable they might adapt to kill us too.

FLETCHER - My god! It's so simple! How could I not have realised it before? I feel so foolish!

SIMPKINS - None of us realised it, Fletcher. Don't blame yourself. In a movie like this, the monster always has to get loose in some matter, no matter how contrived.

Scott:
At this point the door bursts open, knocking FLETCHER to the floor where he shelters behind the corner of the desk. A growling MECHANORAPTOR slowly enters the room, teeth bared. The MECHANORAPTOR is wearing glasses.

MECHANORAPTOR - [speaking in a clipped, upper class English accent] I say chaps, what do we have here? Could be time for a spot of lunch, what?

FLETCHER - It can speak!

SIMPKINS - Of course! The adaptability! It must have learnt from the educational software on the computers in the nursery we built for those staff with children!

FLETCHER - Astounding! And not in the least contrived!

James provides excerpts on Afghanistan

James:
From page 9:
"Most of what little export revenue Aghanistan earns comes from umbrellas. Afghan umbrella farms cling like moss to the small patches of arable land, nestled in sheltered mountain valleys. Local farmers import cheap paper cocktail umbrellas from the West and plant them in a mixture of soil, camel dung, and shredded raincoats. Even this peaceful lifestyle has its risks: strong winds in the summer of 2004 destroyed most of the umbrella harvest by turning the fruit inside
out."

Scott:
partial extract from page 12:
"The Afghan political system is dominated by corruption on a massive scale. Afghani politicians are known to accept bribes of umbrellas for favours: the larger and more elaborate the umbrella, the more likely the respective politician will accept the bribe. Consequently the demand for umbrellas with which to bribe politicians has become so great that it threatens the viability of the umbrella export market. Additionally, a poor umbrella harvest can have devastating effects on the Afghani policial system. The failed crop of 2004 left many senior Afghani politicians completely umbrella-less, and in order to import substandard western umbrellas many politicians were forced to hustle their arses on the streets of Kabul for as little as one US dollar a trick."

James answers a simple question

Amber:
Have I missed stuff?

James:
Well, let's see... In early March I was narrowly beaten in my campaign to become UN Secretary General by three children riding on each other's shoulders under a long coat. There go my plans for world domination. I would have gotten away with it, too, if it weren't for those meddling kids.

Later I travelled to Monaco so seek my fortune as a gravel prospector. I thought I was going to be rich when I found what I thought was a massive granite pebble the size of a potato. Unfortunately it turned out to be an actual potato. I threw it at a petty royal in a bikini and felt much better. Why those Monacan princes think they can get away with wearing bikinis I will never know.

I was short-listed for the crew of the first manned (and, presumably, womanned) mission to Venus, but pulled out at the last moment when I found out the main cabin would not be clothing optional. If they think I'm flying all that way in zero gravity wearing clothes, they have another thing coming.

Oh, and yesterday I ate a sandwich.

You?

James writes an office sitcom

James:
[Roll theme tune and opening credits of The Department]

Announcer: The Department is filmed in front of a live studio office.

SCENE 1: DESK POD

[MICHELLE and REBECCA are sitting on a desk, talking.]

MICHELLE: [Waving a sheet of paper.] Another fax from National Office! God, what should we do with this one?

REBECCA: Tell them to stick it up their national orifice?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

MICHELLE: You shouldn't joke, Rebecca. When Scott sees this . . .

[SCOTT enters with trademark greeting]

SCOTT: Morning cow-orkers!

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS, APPLAUDS, AND CHEERS]

SCENE 12: Stationery cupboard

[MICHELLE is leaning casually against the wall, filing her nails, JIMMY enters looking stressed.]

[AUDIENCE BOOS]

[JIMMY sees MICHELLE and pauses, looking terrified.]

MICHELLE: [Not looking up, sounding impatient] What do you want, Jimmy?

JIMMY: [Stuttering] Uh, I want... uh... stuh... stuh-stuh...

MICHELLE: Spit it out Jimmy.

JIMMY: [Continues stuttering]

MICHELLE: Try to finish this sentence before there's another change of government, won't you?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

JIMMY: Staples! I need staples! [Seems relieved to have finally gotten the word out.]

MICHELLE: [Staring at Jimmy like the insect he is.] Staples?

JIMMY: [Relief disappearing] Uh... if that's okay with you...

[MICHELLE continues her hostile stare.]

JIMMY: Please.

[MICHELLE stares]

JIMMY: [Long pause] Ma'am.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

MICHELLE: Do you have an authorisation form signed by your manager?

JIMMY: What? They're just staples!

[MICHELLE stares again.]

JIMMY: ...ma'am.

MICHELLE: Jimmy, do you have any idea of the sheer scale of waste that goes on in this department because of a lackadaisical attitude to stationery? Millions wasted! Perhaps even billions! I take my sacred duty as stationery gatekeeper seriously, so if you think you're
getting a single rusty thumbtack out of me without authorisation, you are sadly mistaken.

[AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS]

JIMMY: I'll just go get that form, shall I?

[JIMMY turns to exit and nearly knocks over SCOTT who is just entering.]

SCOTT: Wow, what did you do to Jimmy? He looks like John Howard on election night!

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

MICHELLE: Just putting him in his place. What can I get you?

SCOTT: My computer is too slow. Can I have a new one?

MICHELLE: Sure. [Places several large cardboard boxes on a trolley.] Enjoy!

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS AND CHEERS]

SCOTT: Thanks!

[SCOTT exits, taking trolley with him. A second later there is a loud crash and a shout of pain. JIMMY enters looking very stressed, with a computer mouse wrapped around his neck, and a piece of paper clenched in his hand.]

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

JIMMY: Here's your form.

[MICHELLE stares]

JIMMY: ...ma'am.

[MICHELLE reaches for the form slowly, and JIMMY begins to smile hopefully. Suddenly an alarm clock rings and MICHELLE look at her watch.]

MICHELLE: Oh, lunchtime! [She closes and locks the door of the cupboard and walks away.]

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDS AND CHEERS]

[JIMMY tries to walk away, but finds his form is stuck in the door. He tries to pull it out and it rips in two.]

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

James forecasts the weather, with help from Scott

Rebecca:
What's with the weather today? Its broken, 29C they said this morning, and now they're saying 25C for today.

Scott:
Give it another hour and it'll be snowing with a chance of penguins.

James:
"...an extreme low pressure system is sweeping up through the Bight and into western Victoria, bringing squally winds, low temperatures, a strong chance of snow, and a small chance of penguins. Major storms are expected when this low system hits the warm, wet front coming down from Queensland, bringing torrential rain, humid weather, and toucans."

Scott:
"A major storm cell will sweep through the Sydney metropolitan region this afternoon. Residents are advised to expect very heavy rainfall, flashflooding, strong winds and large, flightless birds. Cars should be moved under cover where possible and trampolines erected over valuable property."

James sings Wrongtown

Rebecca:
You boys are revelling in Wrongtown without me to slap you both

James:

[sings]
Start spreading the news...
I'm disturbing today...
I wanna be a part of it!
Wrongtown, Wrongtown!
My internal censor
Is fading away...
I'll make a wrong new start of it!
Wrongtown, Wrongtown!

or alternatively...

Wrongtown, Wrongtown,
The wrongest of towns!
The meatbomb's up and the dumpling is down!
James's mind is in a hole in the ground!

James on dinosaurs

Scott:
best dinosaur name ever

James:
"Somebody please help! That protomammal is stealing my eggs!"
*bup-ba-da-BAAAAAA!!!*
"Never fear, young lady, I will save your eggs."
"Oh, Supersaurus!" *swoons*