James and the Goatfinder General

James:
"Do you deny that you are in league with Satan, that through his dark powers you are granted unholy magic, and that to curry his favour you cavort naked by moonlight and engage in sinful, savage ceremonies?"
"Baaa!"
"IT CONFESSES!"

Scott:
"I seen 'em! I seen 'em with me own eyes! They gather at night, they do, in the meadow for their unholy satanic rituals of lying down and burping quietly! But that's not the worst of it - they do it all while naked!"
"Evildoer! Is this true, that you consort naked with devil in afrenzy of goatish lusts?!"
"Baaa!"
"My lord, it is naked as we speak!"
"Baaa!"

James:
"Your honour, look at its feet! Cloven hoofs, like as to the Dark Prince himself!"

Scott:
"And horns! Just like those of he who fell from grace! And fleece! Does it not wear the very fleece of Satan??"
"The fleece of satan? I never pictured the dark one as woolly, more sort of....scaly."
"Uh.....well, yeah. I was kinda on a roll, sorry."
"Nono, my fault, please keep going, you were doing very well."

James:
"Um... the beard?"
"YES!!! THE BEEEAAAAARRD!!!! Such as that which graces the very chin of the Dark Lord himself!"

Scott:
"And the ears! The ears that droop in ways most unholy!"

James gives direction to Scott

Scott:
The important question: is [new staff member] likely to go insane like the last few people I was given?

James:
Does Cthulhu slumber endlessly underneath your water cooler or something?

Scott:
Yeah, though we call him George these days. He's good for football tips and always waves a tentacle when someone walks by.

James:
Scott, just remind your staff before they begin their inevitable slide into gibbering insanity that the Expiring Narrator literary device is very poor form, especially in epistolary writing. If I catch anyone writing, "Ah, I am dying!" there'll be trouble, particularly if the narrative ends with a final sentence interrupted by an em-dash or ellipse.

James finds more information on Afghanistan

James:
"Afghanistan is a nation populated entirely by semi-anthropomorphic jellyfish. Its principal exports are plastic lawn furniture and Bob Saget."

Scott:
The Taliban is able to fund its activities by selling high-grade Bob Sagets in Western markets

James:
"Afghanistan is a very dry nation, receiving only 45mm of precipitation in an average year, with 35mm of that being custard."

James has demands

Michelle:
I've come to the conclusion that Canberra are incapable of doing anything but making demands

James:
"Good evening sir. Table for one?"
"FOOD!"
"Certainly, sir. So, table for one. Here we are. Now, can I get you a drink while you peruse the menu?"
"FOOOOD!"
*blink* "I take it you'd like to press straight on with ordering your dinner then. Can I recommend the salmon? Freshly delivered this afternoon and exquisite quality."
"FOOOOOOOD!"
"Well, if sir is not interested in the salmon, the veal and the venison are both very good."
"FOOOOOOOOOOD!" *starts banging cutlery on table top*
"If sir is having trouble choosing a particular dish, perhaps I can persuade the chef to furnish you with a sampler platter?"
"FOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD!!!"
"...or perhaps I should just get him to slop a random pile of crap into a bucket for you."

James is in an advertisment

Scott:
And HR are so far not inclined to resolve my short angry dwarf problem.

James:
[James appears in a white coat]

Hello. Have you or someone you love ever suffered from problems with short angry dwarfs? It may surprise you to know that such problems are more prevalent than you may think.

[Does that slow walk while addressing the camera thing, with an office in the background]

Every year in Australia, thousands of people are struck down by dwarfs. Many of these people feel that they have nobody to talk to about their condition, and suffer alone and in silence.

[Stops and rests his hand on the shoulder of a shy-looking child]

Here at the Angry Dwarf Research Institute, we have been developing safe, affordable, and effective treatments for those with embarrassing and painful dwarf-related conditions. Don't you owe it to your family, and to yourself, to seek help?

Voiceover: This message was brought to you by the National Campaign to Eliminate Dwarf Infestation.

James plays for Scott

Scott:
I smashed my knees against the table in the level 25 fishbowl. That table is big and heavy. I think I broke my knees.

James:
Sir Scott, level 6 public servant, rolls to attack level 25 fishbowl!
Result: 1
Sir Scott has a critical fumble! Roll for location.
Result: 12 (Knees)
Sir Scott's knees are dealt 7 damage by the fishbowl's table.
Sir Scott must roll vs Will to resist swearing loudly in front of the Deputy State Director.
Result: 13 (Success)

James writes selection criteria

The successful applicant will have a demonstrated ability to:
1) carry out everyday tasks with a far greater degree of pomposity than remotely justified in context;
2) forget every piece of technical procedure ever learned and rely on the services of a PA in much the same way that a foetus relies on an umbilicus and placenta; and
3) disregard all impracticality, illegality, and stupidity from all instructions received from superiors interstate and deliver these instructions as gospel to subordinates.