James rants about volcanoes

After this story appeared in The Age

Rebecca:
the media seems to like rehasing this idea every 12 months or so... VOLCANOES! Falling from the sky! Spewing lava everywhere and burning the crops!

James:
Bringing in their volcanic families from Indonesia! Stealing the jobs of honest Australian volcanoes!

See, this is why we don't have any vulcanism in Australia: South East Asian volcanoes took all the jobs and mass produced cheap eruptions! After Krakatoa, is it any surprise that our local industry is essentially dead? Oh sure, we have some boutique hot springs and volcanic mud, but no honest, large-scale, working class volcanic eruptions. If we want lava or magma in this country, we have to import it!

What we need to do is kick these dole-bludging local "dormant" volcanoes off their government payments and force them to get to work!

James and the plumbers

[After discussing the difficulty of finding a plumber]

"Hello, is this a plumber?"
"Yes, do you have something that needs to be plumbified?"
"Oh yes, my plumbs have lost all plumbicity. I think they need new plumbitronics."
"Hmmm, it won't be cheap. You'll need some high plumbocity fittings with plumb plumb plumb."
"Oh dear, but will plumby plumb plumb plumb?"
"Plumb plumb plumb plumb."
"Plumb!"

James makes fun of Scott's typo

Scott:
$4.95 a ig and I'll be calling electrivian shortly

James:
That's very cheap for an ig. Igs haven't been so cheap since I was a child, growing up in the ig farming district of Igshire. We used to ride a cart into town and see all the ig merchants selling their wares from the backs of barrow. Five igs for a pound, they cost, for some of those little Spotted Marfworthies. So many other varieties, though, like the big golden Sunbeam Rafflegates and long green Parson's Plasterboards. Of course, most of the igs you see these days are tinned, and they're usual the cheap and nasty varieties like Little Brown Fauntleroys and Purple Quaids....

The electrivian:

He's the guy who comes into your house and repairs a crappy old record player in the shed while ignoring the fact that your fuse box is on fire.

James and the eels

After yesterday's email was titled, "My hovercraft is full of eels" and today's was titled "Hovercraft redux: This time it's personal"

James:
...and this time, the eels mean BUSINESS!!!

Specifically accouncy. In fact, these eels will come to your home at a convenient time for you in their corporate hovercraft and conduct a free financial assessment. These eels guarantee that they will get every you every cent of tax return that you are entitled to.

These eels are EXTREME!!! ly good at finding every possible deductible expense, and they're getting ready to EXPLODE!!! the size of the tax refund you will receive.

Scott:
"So your motto is 'Our refunds are like eels: slippery and hard to grasp'?"
"Yeah."
"Doesn't exactly inspire confidence, does it?"

James creates a new character

After finding out that that there is such a thing as a Cockchafer Beetle:

James:
I absolutely must write a story with a protagonist called Mr Cockchafer now.

Scott:
Captain Cockchafer of the Queen's Rifles should be a series of books:

Cockchafer's Triumph
Cockchafer Goes to Africa
Cockchafer and the Crack fo Doom
Jolly Roger Cockchafer
Cockchafer: Lord of the Apes
Cockchafer Stands Tall
Cockchafer and The Groin Monkeys of the Belgian Congo

James:
Cockchafer of Scotland Yard
Cockchafer Returns
Cockchafer: Pioneer Submariner
Cockchafer Knows Best
The Further Adventures of Cockchafer
Cockchafer in New Guinea
Cockchafer Across the Sahara

Scott:
Cockchafer's Suprise
Cockchafer Swings Low
Cockchafer Against the Germans
Cockchafer Victorious
Cockchafer: Big Game Hunter
Cockchafer's Musket

James:
Cockchafer's Legion
Cockchafer in Love
Cockchafer's Last Stand
Cockchafer Abroad

Scott:
And every one of them have the same plot

Rebecca:
apart from the porn/erotic fiction ones which have a slightly different plot and sex

James:
Cockchafer in Leather
Cockchafer in Bondage
Cockchafer's Harem
Cockchafer and the Naughty Navy

...and the inevitable:

Cockchafer and the Case of the Chafed Cock

Scott:
And the cooking spin-off: Cockchafer's Chafing-Dish

James:
Cockchafer Behind Bars
Cockchafer Undercover
Nobody Can Touch Cockchafer

Some suggestions from Twitter:

Cockchafer on Broadway
Cockchafer Comes from Behind
Cockchafer and the Moustache of the Pharaoh

Scott:
Cockchafer and the Imposing Sausage

James:
From Twitter:

"If I remember my Cockchafer trivia correctly, Cockchafer: Pioneer Submariner was retitled Cockchafer Goes Down in Europe."

James has a thing

Rebecca:
You're such a geek

James:
You say that like it's a bad thing.

Rebecca:
No, I say it like it's a thing :)

Scott:
A thing with many tentacles and eyestalks and that stalks the moors at night singing about loss, love and glovepuppets.

James:
Didn't Robbie Burns write about that one?

I think it went like this:

O most grotesque beastie 'pon the moors
Knock ye not 'pon my doors
Ye puppets fill me wi' alarm
I dinnae want one 'pon my arm
Ye sing although I hope ye won't
I'll glass ye, just ye see 'f I don't

James riffs the Old Spice guy

Rebecca:
There is chocolate calling to me... the siren voices are tempting me to nom

James:
What does chocolate sound like?

Michelle:
chocolate has a delicious deep dark voice

James:
Like the Old Spice guy?

"Hello ladies. Look at your salad, now back to me, now back at your salad, now back to me! Sadly, your salad isn't me, but if you stopped worrying about your calorie intake and started thinking about what tastes good, you could be eating me. Look away, look back... You're stuffing your face with the chocolate your snack could taste like!"