James writes his own in train poetry

I call this poem...

STENCH

Swaying, rocking
In the metal and nylon arms
Of an uncaring mother
Peering at the blur
Houses, graffiti, more

Sleep weighs me down
Heavy eyelids, like
The stone lids of tombs
I stare dumbly outside
A metal womb with a view

But no!
A cruel steel crowbar
Jammed into the dull gap of my wakefulness!
Tired eyes fill
With griefless tears!

It is only 8am!
How could your underarms
Already smell so bad?

*bows politely to scattered applause*

James discusses classification with help from Scott

After finding that the email conversation was marked "Unclassified"

Michelle:
Scott - why didn't you use Unofficial as the classification?

James:
Classification: Smelling slightly of pineapple

Michelle:
a far better classification choice than any other offered by the Department...

James:
Classification: COVERED IN BEES!!!

Scott:
Classification: Its all sticky. Its made of jam!

James:
Classification: Superficially resembles a Pekingese

Michelle:
now I'm getting funny looks from my colleagues because I keep laughing out loud...

You need to classify things as Likely to make you snort!

James:
Classification: Sounds like a water buffalo mating call

Scott:
Classification: High level snort hazard. Do not read if you take heart medication, are pregnant or like to sit at your desk at work pretending that you're playing a tuba.

James:
Classification: When printed, ground up, and snorted, will give you hallucinations of Dame Edna eating live chickens

Scott:
Classification: Squealing like a pig.

James:
Classification: Squelchy underfoot

Scott:
Classification: Unnecessary use of street slang, yo.

Michelle:
Classification: Going to distribute Christmas gifts

[Rebecca changes the email classification to: Likely to make you snort which breaks the email filter system and has to be changed]

Scott:
I had to raise the classification as the work filter didn't like it

James:
Classification raised from "Covered in bees" to "Covered in badgers".

Scott:
Which is one less than "Covered in hundreds of screaming pygmies with tiny sharp knives"

James:
I don't have to worry about them - GMail has a screaming pygmy filter.

They all get dropped into my Pygmy folder, where they get pureed and turned into pygmy jam (it tastes like a mix of lychee, mandarin, and mescaline).

Scott:
There's nothing like a pygmy jam sandwich for when the munchies hit.

Michelle:
indeed - nothing beats a pygmy jam sandwich for a small snack

*ducks*

Scott:
*throws pygmies*

James:
*puts some bread in the toaster*

Scott:
Those look the typed commands for the world's strangest pc text adventure game

James:
] inventory

You are carrying:
- dumpling
- map
- stick
- crown
- statue

] look crown

The crown appears to be made of solidified and moulded mollusc secretions. A tag inside identifies it as belonging to the King of Wrong, and also that it is size 45.

] look dumpling

You are not sure how, but the dumpling gives the impression of being sleazy. Handling it makes you feel cheap and dirty.

] eat dumpling

What are you, crazy?

] look map

It is a fold-out map of greater Wrongtown and its surrounds, including the twin cities of Grope and Goat.

] look stick

It is a very small spear. It must belong to a very small pygmy.

] look statue

This wooden statue is a small carved figurine of a corpulent figure bearing a ceremonial bib and bucket. A plaque on the bottom identifies it as the likeness of Omnommer the Devourer. It is heavy for its size.

Scott:
*snort*

] search statue

There's a bas relief sculpture on the statue's pedestal. It appears to be a coat of arms with two goats on either side of a wheel cheese with the motto "may vos exsisto labefactum in a goat". There appears to be a lever next to the coat of arms.

] pull lever

A door slides open in the wall next to you. A million screaming pygmies with tiny spears pour out.

James is weird and disturbing

After reading this story

James:
Remind me to never fly... or drive... or, you know, GO TO Congo.

Rebecca:
There is nothing in Congo you want to see

James:
Monkeys?

Rebecca:
you can see them in a zoo

James:
Heffalumps?

Rebecca:

not so many in Congo anymore,just a few jungle ones....and they should be left alone

James:
Rhinoceroseseses?

Rebecca:
you can see them in Botswana

James:
Thompson's gazelle?

Thomson and Thompson's gazelle?

The Thompson Twins' gazelle?

Hunter S. Thompson's gazelle?

(Also known as the gonzo gazelle.)

Rebecca:
You are very silly

James:

I is lovely!

I is covered in brains!

Rebecca:
ew

James and the Fictional Monkey Distraction Man makes a reappearance

James:
Scott, Forza 3's ludicrous car list:

http://forzamotorsport.net/en-us/ForzaMotorsport3/Carlist.aspx

Scott:
Yeah, was looking at that earlier, I was thinking it might be a tad excessive. I mean, I like a lot of choice, but sometimes there's too much of a good thing

James:
...says the man who has HOW MANY gigs of cars on his PC hard drive?

Scott:
Flrrmmble. Hey look, a flying monkey!

James:
Oooh, Fictional Monkey Distraction Man has added a new fictional monkey to his repertoire.

Scott:
Well he had too, no one was falling for the plain old ordinary monkeys anymore. Now he's got flying monkeys, plaid monkeys, hipster monkeys, inflatable monkeys, car racing monkeys and giant golden glowing testicle monkeys. Those ones are VERY distracting.

James:
"Why is it always monkeys? Couldn't you distract someone with an imaginary gibbon?"
"BLASPHEMER!!!"

Scott:
Ficitional Monkey Distraction Man did have a sidekick for a while by the name of Unexpected Sloth Suprise Boy, but he was killed early in his career as a sidekick by a wildly misfired sloth.

James:
Fictional Monkey Distraction Man: "Oh my god! It's a megatherium!"

Unexpected Sloth Surprise Boy: "A megawhattium?"

FMDM: "A megatherium, an extinct giant land sloth native to South America."

USSB: "Wait on... a sloth? You're trying to get me to look behind me at a SLOTH??? Do you have any idea what the Miscellaneous Union of Sidekicks and Henchpersons is going to say when they find out you have grossly overstepped the boundaries of my legally agreed-upon job description?"

FMDM: "But it's not fic-"

USSB: "No buts! This is a serious case of demarcation and I am not going to stand by and let you interfere with my safe working environment. I'm going to talk to my MUSH representative as soon as we can find that time machine and get back to-"

Megatherium: "GRAAAAARGH!!!" *splat splat splat*

Captain Bad Pun: "He's really a member of MUSH now!"

FMDM: "Oh, shut up."

James is a poet

There once was a lady named Bec
Who had the most munchable neck...

Hm... that ones a dead end...

Urrr, OK...

There once was a girl named Rebecca
Who at night drove a red double-decker...

No, I don't think so...

There once was a sweetie named Reb
Whose name didn't rhyme with any bloody thing....

Grrr!

OK OK... Let's try another one...

There was a girl named RebbyLyn,
Who had the world's naughtiest grin.
She would wear it, I'm told,
While she searched for a hole
She could blow lots of raspberries in.

There ya go...

James's drum name

While discussing Rock Band and the Beatles here

James:
This is actually looking pretty awesome...

I might have to pick this up, plus a couple of extra microphones for the three-part harmony vocals. :)

Scott:
You can only play it if you speak like Ringo while doing so.

James:
I would have to adopt a suitable "nom de batterie" (i.e. "drum name" - Ringo wouldn't have a pen name).

Unfortunately, following the pattern set by Richard Starkey -> Ringo Starr, I would have to be Jango Domm.

Jango Domm sounds too much like a Spanish porn star for my tastes.

Scott:
So that would make me....Scongo Brenn? Its sounds like the name of a lost tribe

James:
Or a background character in the Mos Eisley cantina who was only named so they could sell an action figure of him.

Scott:
Scongo Brenn, the most useless bounty hunter in the galaxy.

James:
"Lord Vader, I have assembled the most vicious and tenacious bounty hunters from across the galaxy to assist in the search for Han Solo."

"Excellent. Who is this?"

"This is Bossk, a ruthless Trandoshan. Cold-blooded, both literally and figuratively."

"Impressive. And this?"

"Boba Fett, spliced from one of the original clones, decades ago. He favours disintegration of his quarry."

"We need Solo alive, Fett. Remember that. And... uh... who the hell...?"

"Uh... my clipboard says this is Scongo Brenn... but it's hand-written at the bottom of my list... in crayon..."

"Scongo Brenn... I find your lack of pants disturbing."

James and Shakespeare

Michelle:
aren't they fun? Shakespeare had it right with his "Kill all the lawyers" line

James:
Wasn't that Maynard James Keenan?

Scott:
Its very easy to confuse Shakespear and Tool.

James:
Spot quiz: Were the following lines written by Shakespeare or Keenan?

F--k L. Ron Hubbard and
F--k all his clones.
F--k all those gun-toting
Hip gangster wannabes.

F--k retro anything.
F--k your tattoos.
F--k all you junkies and
F--k your short memory.

Scott:
Isn't that from the famous "F--k you" speech from MacBeth?

James:
You cannot begin to imagine how much I wish that were true.

Scott:
I probably can.

I believe the speech ends with "Verrily, f--k you, forsooth, t'wixt the nethers with a horn-ed goat."

James:
Shall I compare thy face to a monkey's arse?

(I even kept the iambic pentameter!)