Tuesday, March 25, 2008

James writes an office sitcom

[Roll theme tune and opening credits of The Department]

Announcer: The Department is filmed in front of a live studio office.


[MICHELLE and REBECCA are sitting on a desk, talking.]

MICHELLE: [Waving a sheet of paper.] Another fax from National Office! God, what should we do with this one?

REBECCA: Tell them to stick it up their national orifice?


MICHELLE: You shouldn't joke, Rebecca. When Scott sees this . . .

[SCOTT enters with trademark greeting]

SCOTT: Morning cow-orkers!


SCENE 12: Stationery cupboard

[MICHELLE is leaning casually against the wall, filing her nails, JIMMY enters looking stressed.]


[JIMMY sees MICHELLE and pauses, looking terrified.]

MICHELLE: [Not looking up, sounding impatient] What do you want, Jimmy?

JIMMY: [Stuttering] Uh, I want... uh... stuh... stuh-stuh...

MICHELLE: Spit it out Jimmy.

JIMMY: [Continues stuttering]

MICHELLE: Try to finish this sentence before there's another change of government, won't you?


JIMMY: Staples! I need staples! [Seems relieved to have finally gotten the word out.]

MICHELLE: [Staring at Jimmy like the insect he is.] Staples?

JIMMY: [Relief disappearing] Uh... if that's okay with you...

[MICHELLE continues her hostile stare.]

JIMMY: Please.

[MICHELLE stares]

JIMMY: [Long pause] Ma'am.


MICHELLE: Do you have an authorisation form signed by your manager?

JIMMY: What? They're just staples!

[MICHELLE stares again.]

JIMMY: ...ma'am.

MICHELLE: Jimmy, do you have any idea of the sheer scale of waste that goes on in this department because of a lackadaisical attitude to stationery? Millions wasted! Perhaps even billions! I take my sacred duty as stationery gatekeeper seriously, so if you think you're
getting a single rusty thumbtack out of me without authorisation, you are sadly mistaken.


JIMMY: I'll just go get that form, shall I?

[JIMMY turns to exit and nearly knocks over SCOTT who is just entering.]

SCOTT: Wow, what did you do to Jimmy? He looks like John Howard on election night!


MICHELLE: Just putting him in his place. What can I get you?

SCOTT: My computer is too slow. Can I have a new one?

MICHELLE: Sure. [Places several large cardboard boxes on a trolley.] Enjoy!


SCOTT: Thanks!

[SCOTT exits, taking trolley with him. A second later there is a loud crash and a shout of pain. JIMMY enters looking very stressed, with a computer mouse wrapped around his neck, and a piece of paper clenched in his hand.]


JIMMY: Here's your form.

[MICHELLE stares]

JIMMY: ...ma'am.

[MICHELLE reaches for the form slowly, and JIMMY begins to smile hopefully. Suddenly an alarm clock rings and MICHELLE look at her watch.]

MICHELLE: Oh, lunchtime! [She closes and locks the door of the cupboard and walks away.]


[JIMMY tries to walk away, but finds his form is stuck in the door. He tries to pull it out and it rips in two.]


Thursday, March 6, 2008

James forecasts the weather, with help from Scott

What's with the weather today? Its broken, 29C they said this morning, and now they're saying 25C for today.

Give it another hour and it'll be snowing with a chance of penguins.

"...an extreme low pressure system is sweeping up through the Bight and into western Victoria, bringing squally winds, low temperatures, a strong chance of snow, and a small chance of penguins. Major storms are expected when this low system hits the warm, wet front coming down from Queensland, bringing torrential rain, humid weather, and toucans."

"A major storm cell will sweep through the Sydney metropolitan region this afternoon. Residents are advised to expect very heavy rainfall, flashflooding, strong winds and large, flightless birds. Cars should be moved under cover where possible and trampolines erected over valuable property."