Monday, February 23, 2009

James finds more information on Afghanistan

"Afghanistan is a nation populated entirely by semi-anthropomorphic jellyfish. Its principal exports are plastic lawn furniture and Bob Saget."

The Taliban is able to fund its activities by selling high-grade Bob Sagets in Western markets

"Afghanistan is a very dry nation, receiving only 45mm of precipitation in an average year, with 35mm of that being custard."

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

James has demands

I've come to the conclusion that Canberra are incapable of doing anything but making demands

"Good evening sir. Table for one?"
"Certainly, sir. So, table for one. Here we are. Now, can I get you a drink while you peruse the menu?"
*blink* "I take it you'd like to press straight on with ordering your dinner then. Can I recommend the salmon? Freshly delivered this afternoon and exquisite quality."
"Well, if sir is not interested in the salmon, the veal and the venison are both very good."
"FOOOOOOOOOOD!" *starts banging cutlery on table top*
"If sir is having trouble choosing a particular dish, perhaps I can persuade the chef to furnish you with a sampler platter?"
"...or perhaps I should just get him to slop a random pile of crap into a bucket for you."

Thursday, February 12, 2009

James is in an advertisment

And HR are so far not inclined to resolve my short angry dwarf problem.

[James appears in a white coat]

Hello. Have you or someone you love ever suffered from problems with short angry dwarfs? It may surprise you to know that such problems are more prevalent than you may think.

[Does that slow walk while addressing the camera thing, with an office in the background]

Every year in Australia, thousands of people are struck down by dwarfs. Many of these people feel that they have nobody to talk to about their condition, and suffer alone and in silence.

[Stops and rests his hand on the shoulder of a shy-looking child]

Here at the Angry Dwarf Research Institute, we have been developing safe, affordable, and effective treatments for those with embarrassing and painful dwarf-related conditions. Don't you owe it to your family, and to yourself, to seek help?

Voiceover: This message was brought to you by the National Campaign to Eliminate Dwarf Infestation.

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

James plays for Scott

I smashed my knees against the table in the level 25 fishbowl. That table is big and heavy. I think I broke my knees.

Sir Scott, level 6 public servant, rolls to attack level 25 fishbowl!
Result: 1
Sir Scott has a critical fumble! Roll for location.
Result: 12 (Knees)
Sir Scott's knees are dealt 7 damage by the fishbowl's table.
Sir Scott must roll vs Will to resist swearing loudly in front of the Deputy State Director.
Result: 13 (Success)

James writes selection criteria

The successful applicant will have a demonstrated ability to:
1) carry out everyday tasks with a far greater degree of pomposity than remotely justified in context;
2) forget every piece of technical procedure ever learned and rely on the services of a PA in much the same way that a foetus relies on an umbilicus and placenta; and
3) disregard all impracticality, illegality, and stupidity from all instructions received from superiors interstate and deliver these instructions as gospel to subordinates.

Monday, February 2, 2009

James and quantum entanglement theory

I just read it. I think it's your best one so far

Oooh-errr, that's a big call...

Even better than my one last year that used Tetris as the starting point for a flawless conciliation between relativity and quantum mechanics?

That was good, but I did think you kind of got a bit lost trying to fit the duck into it.

The duck is definitely an important part of the puzzle. One day I shall decipher his enigmatic role... one day, duck... one day...

And then we shall have the James [surname] Theory of Quantum Duck Entanglement'?

I hate it when my quanta get entangled with a duck...

In the end, everything is chairs

Are there ducks sitting on the chairs?

Even more interesting than quantum entanglement is cumquat entanglement.

It's based on the QM idea that unpopular fruit that lies unobserved in the supermarket bins for long enough will technically cease to exist.

And if someone does eventually observe it it turns into a duck.