Wednesday, December 12, 2007

James is alive

James is alive!

Yes, you thought you'd seen the last of me when your henchwomen chained an anvil to my ankles and tossed me overboard in the middle of the Pacific, but due to an amazingly unlikely set of circumstances that are so unbelievable that I won't insult your intelligence by relating them... I survived!!!

Friday, November 2, 2007

James rewrites The Lord's Prayer for Kiwis

Our big bro, who like, lives up there,
Your name is grouse.
Hope the stuff you bin plannin comes good,
Down ere an up there.
Give us fish n chips an a bottle of L&P every day,
An don't be too heavy on us when we f-ck up,
Cus, like, we try not to be too heavy on our bros when they f-ck up.
Oh, an make sure we don't get picked up by the cops, eh?

Yeah, bro.

Monday, October 29, 2007

James and pants

So off to keep hemming pants.

God, I was certain you wrote "herring pants" for a moment there.

There's something fishy about the concept of herring pants.

Do you wear them with a cod piece?

Only if you have crabs.

Caught at the gym, off the seat of the nautilus machine.

Friday, October 19, 2007

James the advocate

My boss just told threatened to fire me for owning SaltnPepa CDs and not setting them on fire.

That's totally unfair! She can't discriminate against you for having a disability.

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

James forcasts the stupidity index

And what will be the indicators of stupidity?

In early trading this morning the Federal Stupidity Index (FSI) took a battering after last night's eminently sensible announcements by the president. Barry Mouthbreather, CEO of the Reserve Stupidity Bank, has called a press conference, and is expected to announce a large release of stupidity stocks to prop up the ailing FSI.

James rebels

You shouldn't have lunchtime at say breakfast. That wouldn't work at

I refuse to bow to the demands of the Sustenance Chronology Hegemony! I take my lunch at breakfast! I eat cornflakes for my midnight snack! Ice cream is a main course and bacon may be a dessert! Freedom!

Friday, October 12, 2007

James on the history of the printing press

so obviously HUBBA HUBBA is passe

More archaic than anything. I believed that fell out of use with the introduction of the Gutenberg press.

Though the introduction of printing did lead to some amusing mistakes, such as the infamous "Hubba Hubba" Bible


"...and King David didst look upon Bathsheba as she bathed upon the roof, and he didst say unto his servants, 'Phwoar, check out the jugs on that!'"

Thursday, October 4, 2007

James's political promises

I find the phrase 'chicken politics' quite strange taken out of context

"No new taxes! Read my beak! No new taxes!"

"The decision to cut the waterfowl intake for the year is not one based on race! They just do not fit in with decent, white chicken society!"

"What you need to understand is that, during a pecking-order campaign, many promises are made. Once the election has occurred and the pecking order has been established, some of these promises may be judged to be core, and others non-core. My promise that I would not be introducing a 10% surcharge on all seed was an example of a non-core promise."

"We will fight them in the farmyard! We will fight them in the henhouse! And we will never, ever surrender!"

"Never before, in the field of chicken conflict, have so many eggs been laid by so few."

Nixon: "I am not a chook!"

Reagan: "Eggs were laid."

James is wrong

After this story

Bottoms up!

Scott, back me up here - my "bottoms up" comment was solid comedy gold, wasn't it?

Indeed, I curse your quick-wittedness for coming up with it first. I would also have accepted from you something along the lines of "he was just arsing about"

a joke in the vein that the enema was a kind of "crack pipe" would also have been acceptable

*laugh* Scott you rock

Damn it. I snorted.

Thankfully I'm sick so people might have mistaken it for a disgusting sick person noise.

I rock like a man with a hose in his bottom.


Curse you!

"This is Red Leader reporting that both snort missiles have hit their target. I say again, target is down."

"Now, young Jedi, witness the power of this full operational Deathsnort!"

"That snort came from the Deathsnort! That thing's operational!"

"It's heading for that small moon..."
"That's no moon... it's a snortstation..."

"Your feeble snorts are no match for the power of the Dark Snort!"

"It's your father's snortsabre. Not as clumsy or random as a blaster. A more civilised snort for a more civilised time."

James reviews a script

The film's called 'The Saved and the Sinful' and I get my script in 2 weeks

Sounds like Jane Austen on crack.

Or an apocalyptic themed daytime soapie.

"Oh, Wayne, I'm so sorry..."
"What is it, Deborah? Tell me!"
"Wayne Junior... he... isn't your son!"
"I always suspected. But tell me, who is the father?"

Friday, September 28, 2007

James writes Wrongtown

I want to see a movie called The Lords of Wrongtown.

You can just imagine the trailer...

In a town where wrong is king, the King of Wrong rules all...

"I know I can be wrong! I just know it! Wholesome humour just isn't me..." young man will challenge the system...

"Forget it, Steve. You'll never be the King of Wrong - just face it!"

...and the love of a special woman...

"I believe in you, Steve. I know you can be wrong."

...and challenge a legend.

"You're nothing, boy!"
"I'm not nothing! You're... you're wrong!"
"Yes! I am the wrongest of them all! And never forget it! Ha ha haaaa!"

The Lords of Wrongtown. Coming soon.

James visits Wrongtown

now approaching 'Wrongtown'

[stilted pre-recorded voice]

"The next station is... Wrongtown. Change here for services to... Meatbomb... and... Sleazy Dumpling."

"Attention Connex passengers. The eight... twenty... three... train to... Wrongtown... has been delayed, and is now expected in... eight... minutes. Connex is largely indifferent to any inconvenience this causes."

All services on the Sleazy Dumpling line have been delayed indefinitely after a train derailed earlier this morning. A representative from Connex has stated the train was struck by a "large, fast moving snort" that failed to stop at the warning lights. The Department of Transport is currently investigating the incident.

Wednesday, September 5, 2007

James tells of the horrific fruit massacre

Victoria Police this morning held a press conference to confirm their investigation of a serial fruit mutilator, and warned all of Melbourne's fruits and vegetables to take care until the culprit is caught.

"Whoever it is committing these terrible crimes is brutal and efficient," said police spokesperson Grant E. Smith.

When asked by reporters about rumours had the previous victims had been found partially eaten, Smith refused to comment.

Witnesses have been unwilling to approach police after a number of threats were made to "compost" anyone that came forward.

The threats were made in anonymous letters to newspapers and police. While the contents of these letters have been kept secret by investigators, the "rambling scrawls on a wide range of topics" have been analysed by police forensics experts, who have announced that the letters were written in fruit juice, though no direct link to any of the victims has been confirmed.

Despite the threats, Melbourne-based internet chat rooms are abuzz with gruesome rumours about the case, including the popular claim that the victims were skinned alive.

Police spokespeople have vehemently denied the skinning alive theories, stating that no peel has ever been found at any of the crime scenes. Nonetheless crime conspiracy theorists insist that skinning actually took place and that the peel may well have been "appropriately disposed of".

No peel was found in nearby compost bins, but crime analysts have suggested that the perpetrator may be "one of those annoying tools who's always chucking compost in the landfill and recycling bins" and questioned whether such people "ever use their bloody eyes - the signs
are right there".

Several of the more alarmist internet sites have been running stories about a supposed murderer that goes by the alias of "Boost" who has been known to place his victims into a blender and puree them until they are liquid. While this reporter has doubts regarding the authenticity of these stories, nonetheless the police spokesperson was contacted about them and this paper was told in no uncertain terms that this kind of baseless rumour would only damage ongoing investigations and ensure that witnesses would be less inclined to come forward.

Fruit and vegetable community spokesman Walter Melon suggested the slayings may be the work of underground anti-fruit political organisations.

"Honest fruits and vegetables have been fighting for recognition for decades," he said in a press conference in the Goulburn Valley today. "We still recoil in horror when we see archival film of the cruel treatment inflicted upon our forefruits by such people as [fruit slavery advocate] Carmen Miranda."

Yet others have claimed the spate of killings to be inspired by god. Rev. Benny Banana of the radical Baptist Church of Latter Day Fruits says the slayings are due to the immoral lifestyle of certain fruits. "If God had wanted fruit salad, He would have made the world a bowl! Different fruits should not lay down together, it is a sin in the eyes of God!" stated the Reverend. Mainstream church have moved to distance themselves from the Reverend, who is known for his diatribes against fruit salad.

On a lighter note, police spokesperson Grant E. Smith embarrassed himself this morning while joking with reporters before the commencement of a press conference. Smith is reported to have quipped that he hated having to get up early and "wear this bloody bag of fruit". A shocked silence followed, during which Smith seemed to notice the presence of several Vegetative-Australians in the room. An unnamed beetroot, however, broke the silence by shouting, "Look, he's turned the colour of me!" causing the room to erupt in laughter and the uncomfortable moment to be left behind.

Never the less, leading Victorian fruit and vegetable advocates have called for an official apology from Smith.

James's public service announcement

Hey kids, here's Sven the Goatherd with an important message!

"Kids, one day someone might offer you a goat to snort. Just remember that snorting goats is bad for you, and bad for goats. So just say no to goat snorting!"

This message was brought to you by GoatOut.

Thursday, August 30, 2007

James provides motivation

someone, anyone find me some motivation.

Okay, your father has stolen your magical tricycle, and you are torn between loyalty to him and loyalty to your first love - goat hurling. This internal conflict is manifesting itself as interpretive dance. There's your motivation.

Now... action!

James is going to hell

I just read the phrase "sexual assault briefs" and I couldn't help thinking "Wow, I didn't know there was an official uniform..."

Friday, August 24, 2007

James sets a challenge

now you is but a cog in the big wheel of bureaucracy

You're one little strand of red tape, tangled up in the massive federal red tape ball...

You're a red tape worm.

(Oh, I am so getting punched for that one...)

And not just any punch but one using my new steam-driven automated mechanical punching arm.

My dear boy, that fanciful contraption will never work. And to prove it, I offer you a wager: that you shall be unable to circumnavigate the globe in eighty days, using your machine to punch a native of every country along the equator. Jeeves! More tea here! If you lose, sir, you promise to never invent again!

Why I accept your challenge good sir! I shall return with my machine in 80 days time having proved beyond doubt that automated steam powered punching is the way of the future! Charles, inflate my dirigible! We leave at once!

Friday, August 17, 2007

James rhymes

And now for cheese

actually, no, its an interview with William Gibson. i just thought I'd get all your hopes up with a cheese tease.

I am displeased by your cheese tease, and think you have a cheese tease disease, which fills me with unease.

Please, good sir, let me ease your cheese tease disease unease. i have no disease, such as Cheese on the Knees. i am just a tease for the cheese and shall relax at my ease under the trees.

Guards! Seize this cheese tease! ...but mind the fleas.

Argh! my cheese! i curse your house with a plague of bees and peas!

Sunday, July 29, 2007

This is where we start

This is where we'll store the collected insanity of James. It'll be good. Trust me