Thursday, January 31, 2008

James solves the problems of wankers

Are you splitting wanker hairs?

...with a backhoe.
...with chainsaws welded to it.
...while still attached to the wankers' heads.

and a steam powered mechanical punching arm?

Nah, bad for the environment. My mechanical punching arm is wind powered. it's quite ingenious, if I my say so. The device is placed in front of the mouth of a blathering wanker, whose rampant crapping-on powers a wind turbine. The turbine channels energy into a spring mechanism. When the spring achieves a high enough level of tension, a clasp unlocks and said wanker is bashed repeatedly in the face until the spring winds down.

so you do you have to attach to the device to the wanker's head or is it ambulatory?

James writes important questions

Question 17
What would you say is the applicant's overriding attitude to goats?
a) No opinion / don't know
b) The baby ones are cute in petting zoos
c) Their meat is good to eat
d) The applicant's life revolves around goat references

Question 18
In your opinion, what is the applicant's overriding attitude to cheese?
a) No opinion / don't know
b) Don't like it or lactose intolerant
c) It is a tasy snack
d) Cheese is an underutilised building material, and geneticists should be working on hybridising a weasel and a wheel of Jarlsberg

James is still wrong

Number one on the ARIA chart this week is Scott and the Cheeseweasels with their new single "Sleazy Dumpling" (B-side: "Herpes Goat Goes to Wrong Town").

James channels David

are you channelling my partner, by any chance?

*places hands on ouija board*

"Oh great spirits, guide my hands! Grant me your wisdom!"

*glass slides over board, and spells out FLEMINGTON RACE 12, GATE 6, SIX TO ONE, SURE THING*

James doesn't entertain Cthulhu

*summons great cthulhu*

What? No, no! You can't just invite guests over without telling me! The place is a pigsty, and we don't have any biscuits, and the liquor cabinet is a bit dry, and... oh god, I haven't done my hair!

Could you take Cthulhu to the pub for an hour or so while I do a quick cleanup and pop down to the supermarket? I'd be mortified if he saw the place in its current state...

*down at the pub*

Me: yah know, Keegan isn't going to be able to drag Newcastle out of its slump

Cthulhu: F--cking Newcastle board couldn't find its arse with a billion screaming demonic newborn. Its not like it used to be in the good old days, when we'd wander down to the football from the pub and cheer our boys on, then wander home via Shammi's All Night Soul Kebab van...

Many drinks later...

Cthulhu: Gotta go for a slash.

*slowly and carefully, Cthulhu drags himself to his feet*

Cthulhu: The Great Lord Cthulhu has risen! *giggle*

*falls over*

Wednesday, January 30, 2008

James and zombie performance interviews

"Thanks for coming in to talk with me, Dave. Please close the door and take a seat. Now, I just wanted to have a quick word about your work performance over the past few weeks. I'm not the only one who has noticed a sharp decline in productivity, and that report for finance is now a week overdue. Now, you've been a great employee for years, and you're a highly valued member of our team. Please don't think this is some kind of warning or telling-off. I'm just worried about you, Dave. I want you to know that, even though I'm your boss, I also consider you to be a friend, and if something is going on in your life that is making it hard for you to concentrate on work, I want to make it clear that my door is always open to you, and if you feel comfortable talking about it, I am happy to lend an ear. Maybe I can help you come up with solutions for whatever's bothering you, so please feel free to pick my brain..."


*door bursts open*

"What the hell is going on here? Why is an employee being counselled by management without a union representative present?"

"I assure you, Priscilla, that this is not a formal counselling. I'm just having a chat with Dave about whatever is distracting him from his work, and extending a hand of friendship to assist him in any way I-"

"Oh rubbish, Phil. We both know what this is about. It's the beginning of the end, isn't it? A little chat, a few notes on his file, quiet word in the ear of executive management, and all of a sudden poor old Dave gets a cheap brass watch and a lousy redundancy package."

"Pris, really, it's nothing like-"

"Can you honestly say that this chat today has nothing to do with David's reanimated status?"

"Uh... Ahem, no.. Not even remotely..."

"Yes, very convincing. You're yet another damned vivialist, thinking you can treat a loyal employee like rubbish just because he's a Post Mortem Ambulist."

"Pris, I promise you, the fact that Dave is a zombie-"


"Sorry, I mean Post Mort-"

"You said 'zombie'! Oh, you're in trouble now, Phil. You know that our EEO regulations explicitly prohibit any kind of discrimination on the basis of vivial status. Come on Dave - we're leaving."


James and Scott waxing on a theme

You be the judge as to which blog this should be in, but for now its here.

Last time on The Young and the Restless Dead...

"Oh Kane... you know I still love you, but... you've changed. You're not the man I married. Please don't hate me for this, but... I'm going to make a new life with Bradley. I'm filing for divorce."


Tonight on Backyard Blitz our team of zombies take the Anderson's garden from toxic waste dump to Japanese zen garden perfection!

"Oh its just so beautiful, we don't know what to say! Thank you zombie blitz team!"


"...but still found time to befriend an orphaned kitten. That's the news for tonight. Now, it's over to Kevin for tonight's zombiological report."

"Thanks Doug. Zombie activity across the state was down on the January average today, but as you can see from the satellite photo, we have a large band of undead sweeping down from the northwest, bringing a cold front with it that should make itself felt in the early hours this morning. If you need to leave the house tomorrow, I'd suggest rugging up and bringing a shotgun."

"And just a reminder to all staff that tomorrow is Bring Your Zombie to Work day. The office social club will be providing zombie-themed snacks for morning and afternoon tea, but i'd ask all staff to keep their zombies chained as we don't want any OH&S incidents. Please also remember to bring your shotguns and if you don't have a shotgun please see Cheryl and she will supply you with one from the stationery cupboard, but only if you have your office ID with you. Also, in the light of last year's little accident during BYZW day, please remember that if your zombie does get hungry then let him loose in our competitor's building next door, not out on the showroom floor with our customers.

Oh, and for those of you that don't have a zombie we do have some discount vouchers for Tina the Voodoo Priestess who guarantees to raise the loved one of your choice from the dead."

"Hi, you've called the Addicts Anonymous Helpline. My name's Dave and I'm trained social worker who would love to help you. Now tell me, what addiction is weighing you down?"


"I feel for you man, I really do, we've all been down that road and its a tough climb back. Look, I'll tell you what, I'll sign you up for out weekly Addicts Anonymous meetings where you can meet with those similarly afflicted and support each other on the road to recovery. Today is the first day of the rest of your life! Isn't life a wonderful thing? Now tell me, guy, what is it you're gonna kick?"


"Dude, that's the spirit!"

James and Zombies

SPF 3+, protection against all forms of the undead! Now waterproof!

Remember kids, when zombies are attacking, Stick Stock Stack!

Stick something pointy through the brain, stock up on food and ammo, and stack barricades over doors and windows!

James on Jerry

Next on Jerry Springer: My zombie boyfriend ate my mother, but I still love him!

Obnoxious Audience Member: "Uh, yeah, hi. Ah juz wanted ta ask the boyfrien' a question. How do you sleep at night, buddy? Ah mean, how can you live with what you done?"

Zombie Boyfriend: "Gwrraaaaaaahhhh..."

Jerry: "Well, technically he doesn't have to sleep at night or live with himself..."

Thursday, January 17, 2008

James on words

Me being into the old lingusitics and all. At work.

Linguistics at Work
Lingusitics on Holiday
Linguishticsh at Friday Night Drinks

"Izza....iz.....iz a" *burp* "noun right? S'noun. Yeah. Wha'? Nah, izz not a f--ckin', s'a noun, init. Noun. Iz a noun in m'beer" *giggle* *falls over*

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

James and Mr Excitement


Mr Excitement arrives at the office. He tastes his morning coffee and his eyes widen! "My god! It's... it's... sweet! They added two sugars instead of one!" Immediately he leaps into action!

[Fanfare.] "Everybody! Listen to me! The fate of the world rests on your answer to this question..." The whole office leans expectantly, awaiting the words of pure excitement from Mr Excitement's lips. "Does anyone take their coffee with two sugars? If so..." [Dramatic chord.] " can have this coffee for free!"


That's the Excitement King, not Mr Excitement. Sheesh. I shall not have my royalty belittled


This story takes place before Mr Excitement is contacted by a snobby lawyer, telling him he is the sole heir to the Duchy of Excitement. It is not until some time later that the Duchy of Excitement leads a coup de'tat and claims the throne of Excitement.

Monday, January 14, 2008

James reprises lunch

"Aye, Cap'n, we be happy t' join yer crew and go lunch plunderin'. We'll cruise along the wealthy coasts of Bourke and Lonsdale, keepin' an eye out in the crow's nest for a fat, slow merchant vessel carryin' Thai green curries."

"Captain! Captain! Pirate vessel off the port bow! She's flying the crossed schnitzels on a plate of chips flag of Blackheart James McStabyoulots!"
"May good have mercy on us all! Hard t'starboard Mr Winkles! Lieutenant Beanie, ready the dumpling cannons!"

James has lunch

Houston, we have received maximum hunger saturation point, and are now initiating lunchification sequence, on my mark... three, two, one, lunch. We have lunch. I repeat, Houston, we have attained lunch.

Houston, this Bagel 1, the lunch manoeuvre has been successfully completed. I repeat, the bagel is in the belly. Requesting go for belt loosening manoeuvre.

Sandwich docking manouevre initiating. Command, decompress upper forward sustenance hatch and open to full.

James on Asian action movies

'Wind snake'.
It's very zen.

Sounds like something from an early Jackie Chan flick.

[Assume dialogue is hopelessly out of synch with lip movements.]

"Nooo! My master! Evil Lord Chung has killed you because you refused to give him the secret scrolls detailing to final lessons of the Wind Snake fighting style! I will study these scrolls myself and avenge you! But first, a pointless slapstick sequence.."

"So, young Feng Shui, you think you can defeat me with your Wind Snake fighting style? The Wind Snake did not save your master, it shall not save you! For I am a master of that most ancient and secret of martial arts! The Shao Lin monks of Hopping Zombie Mountain trained me themselves, and when I was strong enough I killed them all! Like I shall kill you! Ha ha ha! Fear me, Feng Shui, for I am a master of the ancient art of Yelling At the Hot Sheila on the Footpath From Your Car!"

"No! He is too strong! I have failed you my master! I shall now flee into the countryside and have whacky adventures, until a grumpy old hermit befriends me and reveals he was my old master's own teacher, and if I can clean up my act and control my rage he will teach me the very secret and deadly Shampoo Carpet and Dust Venetians fighting style!"

"Arrgh! I did not foresee this likely and predictable plot twist! Curses! I must send my loyal and incompetent minions after you so that you may kill them all in a highly improbable and furiously energetic fight scene that will undoubtedly include you at some point kicking a wooden stool into the groin of one of my men while smacking the others into the supporting beams of a small wooden tavern, which will then collapse! Curse you, Feng Shui!"

"Ah-haaa! I am victorious! But no! Look! The fight has set an unlikely chain reaction into motion, and though victorious in battle I require one more death-defying stunt shot from multiple camera angles. Note my slightly different hairstyle, as the first take went wrong and I nearly died, resulting in a three month hospital stay!"

Thursday, January 10, 2008

James writes horoscopes

Bah, I'm as much of an expert in this rubbish as any of those wankers.


Sign of the Ox - Your year will kick seven kinds of arse. You will get rich, be chased by a harem of hot women, and wake one morning to discover that your touch can cure cancer. Water Ox will have a particularly good year, culminating in the opportunity to punch Peter Costello in the face without any repercussions.

Sign of the Rabbit - Your year will be as good as the Ox's, with hot sexy people coming from every corner of the globe just to gaze adoringly at you and give you expensive gifts. Wood Rabbit will unexpectly become undisputed dictator of the world after all the world's leaders simultaneously agree that you would do a much better job and hand over power.