James:
[Roll theme tune and opening credits of The Department]
Announcer: The Department is filmed in front of a live studio office.
SCENE 1: DESK POD
[MICHELLE and REBECCA are sitting on a desk, talking.]
MICHELLE: [Waving a sheet of paper.] Another fax from National Office! God, what should we do with this one?
REBECCA: Tell them to stick it up their national orifice?
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
MICHELLE: You shouldn't joke, Rebecca. When Scott sees this . . .
[SCOTT enters with trademark greeting]
SCOTT: Morning cow-orkers!
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS, APPLAUDS, AND CHEERS]
SCENE 12: Stationery cupboard
[MICHELLE is leaning casually against the wall, filing her nails, JIMMY enters looking stressed.]
[AUDIENCE BOOS]
[JIMMY sees MICHELLE and pauses, looking terrified.]
MICHELLE: [Not looking up, sounding impatient] What do you want, Jimmy?
JIMMY: [Stuttering] Uh, I want... uh... stuh... stuh-stuh...
MICHELLE: Spit it out Jimmy.
JIMMY: [Continues stuttering]
MICHELLE: Try to finish this sentence before there's another change of government, won't you?
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
JIMMY: Staples! I need staples! [Seems relieved to have finally gotten the word out.]
MICHELLE: [Staring at Jimmy like the insect he is.] Staples?
JIMMY: [Relief disappearing] Uh... if that's okay with you...
[MICHELLE continues her hostile stare.]
JIMMY: Please.
[MICHELLE stares]
JIMMY: [Long pause] Ma'am.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
MICHELLE: Do you have an authorisation form signed by your manager?
JIMMY: What? They're just staples!
[MICHELLE stares again.]
JIMMY: ...ma'am.
MICHELLE: Jimmy, do you have any idea of the sheer scale of waste that goes on in this department because of a lackadaisical attitude to stationery? Millions wasted! Perhaps even billions! I take my sacred duty as stationery gatekeeper seriously, so if you think you're
getting a single rusty thumbtack out of me without authorisation, you are sadly mistaken.
[AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS]
JIMMY: I'll just go get that form, shall I?
[JIMMY turns to exit and nearly knocks over SCOTT who is just entering.]
SCOTT: Wow, what did you do to Jimmy? He looks like John Howard on election night!
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
MICHELLE: Just putting him in his place. What can I get you?
SCOTT: My computer is too slow. Can I have a new one?
MICHELLE: Sure. [Places several large cardboard boxes on a trolley.] Enjoy!
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS AND CHEERS]
SCOTT: Thanks!
[SCOTT exits, taking trolley with him. A second later there is a loud crash and a shout of pain. JIMMY enters looking very stressed, with a computer mouse wrapped around his neck, and a piece of paper clenched in his hand.]
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
JIMMY: Here's your form.
[MICHELLE stares]
JIMMY: ...ma'am.
[MICHELLE reaches for the form slowly, and JIMMY begins to smile hopefully. Suddenly an alarm clock rings and MICHELLE look at her watch.]
MICHELLE: Oh, lunchtime! [She closes and locks the door of the cupboard and walks away.]
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDS AND CHEERS]
[JIMMY tries to walk away, but finds his form is stuck in the door. He tries to pull it out and it rips in two.]
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
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