Friday, December 9, 2011

James doesn't stab people

Dearest darling mouth-breathing meatheads

When loading paper into a printer, please ensure that the paper you
have put into the tray is flat. I mean, like, actually flat, not 80%
flat and 20% steepled up on one edge in a sharp crease that's hard to
see unless you look closely but which constantly sets off the jammed
paper sensor.

Yours sincerely

Someone who promises not to kill you if you don't f--king do it again.

James and technical updates

"And now I shall use the Palantir to discuss our plans with Lord Sauron..."
"Uh, not possible right now."
"I... What?"
"See, the Palantir hadn't had a firmware upgrade in about... fifteen
thousand years. Figured it was due, so I went digging. Strangely
enough, the original manufacturer has discontinued support (they've
moved out of hardware and into Facebook games) so I had to turn to the
fan community. Anyway, long story short, I found some fan-made beta
drivers on SourceForge and installed them, but they seem to have
killed its wireless connectivity."
"Killed its... wait, are you saying I can't talk to anyone on this thing?"
"Well, no, not right now. I'm trying to do a firmware rollback but I
can find the original discs."
"What's the use of a Palantir that can't talk to anyone? This thing is useless!"
"Not true - I installed Angry Birds on it for you."

"Look, I'm the Witch King of Angmar, I'm a very busy man, I need to speak to a lot of people, but every time I get on a fell beast I lose reception. Nada, nothing, zip. This is an unphone"
"Yeah, its the wireless connectivity. The upgrade hasn't worked out so we've had to go back to the previous setup."
"But its even worse now! I mean, I flew out on my own the other day because the rest of the Nine didn't get my text! I looked a right tit landing outside Minas Tirith on my tod."
"Yeah, sorry about that. Until we get the upgrade working I'd try the workaround."
"What's that?"
"Well, just don't go too high, stay under about 20ft or you'll lose the wireless."
"20ft? 20ft?? Are you nuts? How am I meant to swoop down on a terrified peasant from 20ft? Not to mention, hello, trees. A fell beast is not the most responsive of flying machines, you know? It'd be easier to put one of them on a leash and walk it in to Minas Tirith."
"Yeah, sorry, but its the best we can do, at least until we upgrade to Morgul Sandwich."
"You know, this wouldn't happen in private enterprise. Bet the corsairs don't have any problems with their networks. Bloody bureaucracies."