James tells of the horrific fruit massacre

James:
Victoria Police this morning held a press conference to confirm their investigation of a serial fruit mutilator, and warned all of Melbourne's fruits and vegetables to take care until the culprit is caught.

"Whoever it is committing these terrible crimes is brutal and efficient," said police spokesperson Grant E. Smith.

When asked by reporters about rumours had the previous victims had been found partially eaten, Smith refused to comment.

Scott:
Witnesses have been unwilling to approach police after a number of threats were made to "compost" anyone that came forward.

James:
The threats were made in anonymous letters to newspapers and police. While the contents of these letters have been kept secret by investigators, the "rambling scrawls on a wide range of topics" have been analysed by police forensics experts, who have announced that the letters were written in fruit juice, though no direct link to any of the victims has been confirmed.

Despite the threats, Melbourne-based internet chat rooms are abuzz with gruesome rumours about the case, including the popular claim that the victims were skinned alive.

Scott:
Police spokespeople have vehemently denied the skinning alive theories, stating that no peel has ever been found at any of the crime scenes. Nonetheless crime conspiracy theorists insist that skinning actually took place and that the peel may well have been "appropriately disposed of".

James:
No peel was found in nearby compost bins, but crime analysts have suggested that the perpetrator may be "one of those annoying tools who's always chucking compost in the landfill and recycling bins" and questioned whether such people "ever use their bloody eyes - the signs
are right there".

Scott:

Several of the more alarmist internet sites have been running stories about a supposed murderer that goes by the alias of "Boost" who has been known to place his victims into a blender and puree them until they are liquid. While this reporter has doubts regarding the authenticity of these stories, nonetheless the police spokesperson was contacted about them and this paper was told in no uncertain terms that this kind of baseless rumour would only damage ongoing investigations and ensure that witnesses would be less inclined to come forward.

James:
Fruit and vegetable community spokesman Walter Melon suggested the slayings may be the work of underground anti-fruit political organisations.

"Honest fruits and vegetables have been fighting for recognition for decades," he said in a press conference in the Goulburn Valley today. "We still recoil in horror when we see archival film of the cruel treatment inflicted upon our forefruits by such people as [fruit slavery advocate] Carmen Miranda."

Scott:
Yet others have claimed the spate of killings to be inspired by god. Rev. Benny Banana of the radical Baptist Church of Latter Day Fruits says the slayings are due to the immoral lifestyle of certain fruits. "If God had wanted fruit salad, He would have made the world a bowl! Different fruits should not lay down together, it is a sin in the eyes of God!" stated the Reverend. Mainstream church have moved to distance themselves from the Reverend, who is known for his diatribes against fruit salad.

James:
On a lighter note, police spokesperson Grant E. Smith embarrassed himself this morning while joking with reporters before the commencement of a press conference. Smith is reported to have quipped that he hated having to get up early and "wear this bloody bag of fruit". A shocked silence followed, during which Smith seemed to notice the presence of several Vegetative-Australians in the room. An unnamed beetroot, however, broke the silence by shouting, "Look, he's turned the colour of me!" causing the room to erupt in laughter and the uncomfortable moment to be left behind.

Never the less, leading Victorian fruit and vegetable advocates have called for an official apology from Smith.