James doesn't stab people

Dearest darling mouth-breathing meatheads

When loading paper into a printer, please ensure that the paper you
have put into the tray is flat. I mean, like, actually flat, not 80%
flat and 20% steepled up on one edge in a sharp crease that's hard to
see unless you look closely but which constantly sets off the jammed
paper sensor.

Yours sincerely

Someone who promises not to kill you if you don't f--king do it again.

James and technical updates

"And now I shall use the Palantir to discuss our plans with Lord Sauron..."
"Uh, not possible right now."
"I... What?"
"See, the Palantir hadn't had a firmware upgrade in about... fifteen
thousand years. Figured it was due, so I went digging. Strangely
enough, the original manufacturer has discontinued support (they've
moved out of hardware and into Facebook games) so I had to turn to the
fan community. Anyway, long story short, I found some fan-made beta
drivers on SourceForge and installed them, but they seem to have
killed its wireless connectivity."
"Killed its... wait, are you saying I can't talk to anyone on this thing?"
"Well, no, not right now. I'm trying to do a firmware rollback but I
can find the original discs."
"What's the use of a Palantir that can't talk to anyone? This thing is useless!"
"Not true - I installed Angry Birds on it for you."

Scott:
"Look, I'm the Witch King of Angmar, I'm a very busy man, I need to speak to a lot of people, but every time I get on a fell beast I lose reception. Nada, nothing, zip. This is an unphone"
"Yeah, its the wireless connectivity. The upgrade hasn't worked out so we've had to go back to the previous setup."
"But its even worse now! I mean, I flew out on my own the other day because the rest of the Nine didn't get my text! I looked a right tit landing outside Minas Tirith on my tod."
"Yeah, sorry about that. Until we get the upgrade working I'd try the workaround."
"What's that?"
"Well, just don't go too high, stay under about 20ft or you'll lose the wireless."
"20ft? 20ft?? Are you nuts? How am I meant to swoop down on a terrified peasant from 20ft? Not to mention, hello, trees. A fell beast is not the most responsive of flying machines, you know? It'd be easier to put one of them on a leash and walk it in to Minas Tirith."
"Yeah, sorry, but its the best we can do, at least until we upgrade to Morgul Sandwich."
"You know, this wouldn't happen in private enterprise. Bet the corsairs don't have any problems with their networks. Bloody bureaucracies."

James and deities

Scott:
I's had interrupted sleep. Tsupid wakings up.

James:
Tsupid is the Egyptian god of romance. Like Cupid he is depicted as a chubby little winged baby with a bow and arrows, except he has the head of a walrus.

James rants about volcanoes

After this story appeared in The Age

Rebecca:
the media seems to like rehasing this idea every 12 months or so... VOLCANOES! Falling from the sky! Spewing lava everywhere and burning the crops!

James:
Bringing in their volcanic families from Indonesia! Stealing the jobs of honest Australian volcanoes!

See, this is why we don't have any vulcanism in Australia: South East Asian volcanoes took all the jobs and mass produced cheap eruptions! After Krakatoa, is it any surprise that our local industry is essentially dead? Oh sure, we have some boutique hot springs and volcanic mud, but no honest, large-scale, working class volcanic eruptions. If we want lava or magma in this country, we have to import it!

What we need to do is kick these dole-bludging local "dormant" volcanoes off their government payments and force them to get to work!

James and the plumbers

[After discussing the difficulty of finding a plumber]

"Hello, is this a plumber?"
"Yes, do you have something that needs to be plumbified?"
"Oh yes, my plumbs have lost all plumbicity. I think they need new plumbitronics."
"Hmmm, it won't be cheap. You'll need some high plumbocity fittings with plumb plumb plumb."
"Oh dear, but will plumby plumb plumb plumb?"
"Plumb plumb plumb plumb."
"Plumb!"

James makes fun of Scott's typo

Scott:
$4.95 a ig and I'll be calling electrivian shortly

James:
That's very cheap for an ig. Igs haven't been so cheap since I was a child, growing up in the ig farming district of Igshire. We used to ride a cart into town and see all the ig merchants selling their wares from the backs of barrow. Five igs for a pound, they cost, for some of those little Spotted Marfworthies. So many other varieties, though, like the big golden Sunbeam Rafflegates and long green Parson's Plasterboards. Of course, most of the igs you see these days are tinned, and they're usual the cheap and nasty varieties like Little Brown Fauntleroys and Purple Quaids....

The electrivian:

He's the guy who comes into your house and repairs a crappy old record player in the shed while ignoring the fact that your fuse box is on fire.

James and the eels

After yesterday's email was titled, "My hovercraft is full of eels" and today's was titled "Hovercraft redux: This time it's personal"

James:
...and this time, the eels mean BUSINESS!!!

Specifically accouncy. In fact, these eels will come to your home at a convenient time for you in their corporate hovercraft and conduct a free financial assessment. These eels guarantee that they will get every you every cent of tax return that you are entitled to.

These eels are EXTREME!!! ly good at finding every possible deductible expense, and they're getting ready to EXPLODE!!! the size of the tax refund you will receive.

Scott:
"So your motto is 'Our refunds are like eels: slippery and hard to grasp'?"
"Yeah."
"Doesn't exactly inspire confidence, does it?"