James is weird and disturbing

After reading this story

James:
Remind me to never fly... or drive... or, you know, GO TO Congo.

Rebecca:
There is nothing in Congo you want to see

James:
Monkeys?

Rebecca:
you can see them in a zoo

James:
Heffalumps?

Rebecca:

not so many in Congo anymore,just a few jungle ones....and they should be left alone

James:
Rhinoceroseseses?

Rebecca:
you can see them in Botswana

James:
Thompson's gazelle?

Thomson and Thompson's gazelle?

The Thompson Twins' gazelle?

Hunter S. Thompson's gazelle?

(Also known as the gonzo gazelle.)

Rebecca:
You are very silly

James:

I is lovely!

I is covered in brains!

Rebecca:
ew

James and the Fictional Monkey Distraction Man makes a reappearance

James:
Scott, Forza 3's ludicrous car list:

http://forzamotorsport.net/en-us/ForzaMotorsport3/Carlist.aspx

Scott:
Yeah, was looking at that earlier, I was thinking it might be a tad excessive. I mean, I like a lot of choice, but sometimes there's too much of a good thing

James:
...says the man who has HOW MANY gigs of cars on his PC hard drive?

Scott:
Flrrmmble. Hey look, a flying monkey!

James:
Oooh, Fictional Monkey Distraction Man has added a new fictional monkey to his repertoire.

Scott:
Well he had too, no one was falling for the plain old ordinary monkeys anymore. Now he's got flying monkeys, plaid monkeys, hipster monkeys, inflatable monkeys, car racing monkeys and giant golden glowing testicle monkeys. Those ones are VERY distracting.

James:
"Why is it always monkeys? Couldn't you distract someone with an imaginary gibbon?"
"BLASPHEMER!!!"

Scott:
Ficitional Monkey Distraction Man did have a sidekick for a while by the name of Unexpected Sloth Suprise Boy, but he was killed early in his career as a sidekick by a wildly misfired sloth.

James:
Fictional Monkey Distraction Man: "Oh my god! It's a megatherium!"

Unexpected Sloth Surprise Boy: "A megawhattium?"

FMDM: "A megatherium, an extinct giant land sloth native to South America."

USSB: "Wait on... a sloth? You're trying to get me to look behind me at a SLOTH??? Do you have any idea what the Miscellaneous Union of Sidekicks and Henchpersons is going to say when they find out you have grossly overstepped the boundaries of my legally agreed-upon job description?"

FMDM: "But it's not fic-"

USSB: "No buts! This is a serious case of demarcation and I am not going to stand by and let you interfere with my safe working environment. I'm going to talk to my MUSH representative as soon as we can find that time machine and get back to-"

Megatherium: "GRAAAAARGH!!!" *splat splat splat*

Captain Bad Pun: "He's really a member of MUSH now!"

FMDM: "Oh, shut up."

James is a poet

There once was a lady named Bec
Who had the most munchable neck...

Hm... that ones a dead end...

Urrr, OK...

There once was a girl named Rebecca
Who at night drove a red double-decker...

No, I don't think so...

There once was a sweetie named Reb
Whose name didn't rhyme with any bloody thing....

Grrr!

OK OK... Let's try another one...

There was a girl named RebbyLyn,
Who had the world's naughtiest grin.
She would wear it, I'm told,
While she searched for a hole
She could blow lots of raspberries in.

There ya go...

James's drum name

While discussing Rock Band and the Beatles here

James:
This is actually looking pretty awesome...

I might have to pick this up, plus a couple of extra microphones for the three-part harmony vocals. :)

Scott:
You can only play it if you speak like Ringo while doing so.

James:
I would have to adopt a suitable "nom de batterie" (i.e. "drum name" - Ringo wouldn't have a pen name).

Unfortunately, following the pattern set by Richard Starkey -> Ringo Starr, I would have to be Jango Domm.

Jango Domm sounds too much like a Spanish porn star for my tastes.

Scott:
So that would make me....Scongo Brenn? Its sounds like the name of a lost tribe

James:
Or a background character in the Mos Eisley cantina who was only named so they could sell an action figure of him.

Scott:
Scongo Brenn, the most useless bounty hunter in the galaxy.

James:
"Lord Vader, I have assembled the most vicious and tenacious bounty hunters from across the galaxy to assist in the search for Han Solo."

"Excellent. Who is this?"

"This is Bossk, a ruthless Trandoshan. Cold-blooded, both literally and figuratively."

"Impressive. And this?"

"Boba Fett, spliced from one of the original clones, decades ago. He favours disintegration of his quarry."

"We need Solo alive, Fett. Remember that. And... uh... who the hell...?"

"Uh... my clipboard says this is Scongo Brenn... but it's hand-written at the bottom of my list... in crayon..."

"Scongo Brenn... I find your lack of pants disturbing."

James and Shakespeare

Michelle:
aren't they fun? Shakespeare had it right with his "Kill all the lawyers" line

James:
Wasn't that Maynard James Keenan?

Scott:
Its very easy to confuse Shakespear and Tool.

James:
Spot quiz: Were the following lines written by Shakespeare or Keenan?

F--k L. Ron Hubbard and
F--k all his clones.
F--k all those gun-toting
Hip gangster wannabes.

F--k retro anything.
F--k your tattoos.
F--k all you junkies and
F--k your short memory.

Scott:
Isn't that from the famous "F--k you" speech from MacBeth?

James:
You cannot begin to imagine how much I wish that were true.

Scott:
I probably can.

I believe the speech ends with "Verrily, f--k you, forsooth, t'wixt the nethers with a horn-ed goat."

James:
Shall I compare thy face to a monkey's arse?

(I even kept the iambic pentameter!)

James thinks that Rebecca can manage ravening hordes

Rebecca:
Wasn't I reading that... before school started and my only reading material is pared down to text books and journal articles?

James:
Evil school.

It will all be worth it when you have a degree and a humongously paying logistics/project management job.

Scott:
And then bec can wear a hockey mask while she rides across the wasteland in her post apocalyptic truck all while screaming "I am the Lord Humungous!"

James:
Her mob of crazed desert raiders would be unusually well-organised.

"Now remember, it's Hammer, Maggot, and Screech's turn to devour the flesh of our still alive and screaming victims. Oh, and Mungo, you're rostered for flamethrower duty."

Rebecca:
Well of course, what's the point of all this studying if I don't get to have well-organised ravening hordes?

Scott:
"Now Mungo, about your performance for the last 6 months, how do you feel you've been doing?"

"Uh, well, *scratches*.....I dunno....I killed them farmers out near Port Hope good, an', uh, I been keeping me guns all shiny an' working an stuff...uh..."

"Yes? Anything else?"

"Um....I bin scavengin' stuff good too. Like, I bin strippin' clothes off the bodies for us, but I bin makin' sure to get stuff that ain't, you know, too full o' holes and blood and stuff. Wozzers and Beef reckon the pants I got 'em off those dead hippies are the best they've ever had."

"Is there anything you think you could improve?"

"Uh...um...I reckon I could kick people some more, speshully when they're on the ground bleedin' an' stuff. An' I reckon I could probably do with some better war cries. I don' think mine are, y'know, scary enough...'I'll 'ave yer bollocks!'....I mean, it's not bad 'an stuff, but what if they
ain't got bollocks? I reckon I'd look pretty f'ckin' dumb shoutin' out that when they ain't got no bollocks to 'ave."

James:
"Settle down please gentlemen..."

"And lady!"

"Sorry, Madame Blood. Lady and gentlemen. I am now calling to order the general weekly meeting of the assorted wasteland marauders leadership committee. Our first order of business is the fuel-saving initiative. Many of our staff have been leaving their makeshift death buggies idling while they storm into unguarded settlements to rape and pillage. At last week's meeting I asked you to brainstorm ways to encourage our people to turn the engines off before embarking on their orgies of blood and death. Have any of you come up with good ideas?"

"Aw, yeah, uh..."

"Skullsplitter? You made some progress?"

"Uh, yuh. When Ox forgot he left 'is motor runnin' the uvver day, I hacked off both his arms an' set 'em on fire before he died from blood loss."

"Hmmm, I can't say I approve of unnecessary staff turnover. However, did you find it had any results?"

"Yah, de uvvers've bin too scared to even turn deir motors on since den."

"Ah, now, can you see the negative result here? Dismemberment of staff can lead to a drop in morale, which is bad for our overall productivity, not to mention the lost staff member."

"Awww, sorry Mistress Rebecca. I'll only rip off arms fer serious offences in future."

James develops a screen play

Scott:
You should sell that concept to Michael Bay!

James:
REVENGE OF THE AIBO

An original screen play by Michael Bay


Scene 1 - INT - Suburban house, living room

TOMMY is playing with his SONY AIBO - be sure to get lots of lingering shots of the SONY logo; they're paying us a lot.

TOMMY'S MOM enters - she is smoking hot, the ultimate MILF.

MOM: Come on Tommy, time to go to school.

TOMMY: But Mom, I wanna play with my awesome Sony Aibo!

MOM: Tommy, I know that the Sony Aibo is both fun and educational, but you're going to miss your bus.

Suddenly, a yellow school bush crashes through the wall! Rubble flies everywhere in awesome slow motion!

TOMMY: Woah... looks like the bus only just missed ME!

A crazy old man jumps out of the bus. He's some kind of mad scientist, so cast someone English, maybe that Ewan McGregor fag.

He's clutching a funky electronic box under his arm, with flashing lights and sh-t. It looks super awesome and will make a great merchandising item.

SCIENTIST: You're in terrible danger! You have to run!

MOM: [Dusts herself off - her clothes are ripped in a super-sexy way.] What do you mean? I have to save my son!

SCIENTIST: [Checks out the MILF - you can see him drool] No time to explain. The XBots will be here any second!

Suddenly, evil white robots with bright green light-up circles in the chests burst into the smashed-up house! They look like evil XBox 360's, because Sony's paying us a f--king sh-tload of money.

ROBOT BOSS: [He's a bad guy, so make his voice English too - maybe like that Saruman guy.] Stop, human! Hand over the Scion of Destiny!

SCIENTIST tries to run, but the robots shoot him in a f--king wicked awesome effects sequence. The box he was holding flies through the air and hits the SONY AIBO. There's a bright flash of light and lots of wicked cool CGI as the power in the box transforms the Aibo into a giant silver and blue robot dog with machine guns and sh-t.

TOMMY: Wow, look how cool my Sony Aibo is now!

SUPER AIBO blasts the living sh-t out of the robots, and they run like hell.


Scene 2 - Inside the Pentagon...

This stuff writes itself, really.