James on Asian action movies

Amber:
'Wind snake'.
It's very zen.

James:
Sounds like something from an early Jackie Chan flick.

[Assume dialogue is hopelessly out of synch with lip movements.]

"Nooo! My master! Evil Lord Chung has killed you because you refused to give him the secret scrolls detailing to final lessons of the Wind Snake fighting style! I will study these scrolls myself and avenge you! But first, a pointless slapstick sequence.."

Scott:
"So, young Feng Shui, you think you can defeat me with your Wind Snake fighting style? The Wind Snake did not save your master, it shall not save you! For I am a master of that most ancient and secret of martial arts! The Shao Lin monks of Hopping Zombie Mountain trained me themselves, and when I was strong enough I killed them all! Like I shall kill you! Ha ha ha! Fear me, Feng Shui, for I am a master of the ancient art of Yelling At the Hot Sheila on the Footpath From Your Car!"

James:
"No! He is too strong! I have failed you my master! I shall now flee into the countryside and have whacky adventures, until a grumpy old hermit befriends me and reveals he was my old master's own teacher, and if I can clean up my act and control my rage he will teach me the very secret and deadly Shampoo Carpet and Dust Venetians fighting style!"

Scott:
"Arrgh! I did not foresee this likely and predictable plot twist! Curses! I must send my loyal and incompetent minions after you so that you may kill them all in a highly improbable and furiously energetic fight scene that will undoubtedly include you at some point kicking a wooden stool into the groin of one of my men while smacking the others into the supporting beams of a small wooden tavern, which will then collapse! Curse you, Feng Shui!"

James:
"Ah-haaa! I am victorious! But no! Look! The fight has set an unlikely chain reaction into motion, and though victorious in battle I require one more death-defying stunt shot from multiple camera angles. Note my slightly different hairstyle, as the first take went wrong and I nearly died, resulting in a three month hospital stay!"