James and zombie performance interviews

"Thanks for coming in to talk with me, Dave. Please close the door and take a seat. Now, I just wanted to have a quick word about your work performance over the past few weeks. I'm not the only one who has noticed a sharp decline in productivity, and that report for finance is now a week overdue. Now, you've been a great employee for years, and you're a highly valued member of our team. Please don't think this is some kind of warning or telling-off. I'm just worried about you, Dave. I want you to know that, even though I'm your boss, I also consider you to be a friend, and if something is going on in your life that is making it hard for you to concentrate on work, I want to make it clear that my door is always open to you, and if you feel comfortable talking about it, I am happy to lend an ear. Maybe I can help you come up with solutions for whatever's bothering you, so please feel free to pick my brain..."

"Wrrroooaaaaaaaaggghrrrrr..."

*door bursts open*

"What the hell is going on here? Why is an employee being counselled by management without a union representative present?"

"I assure you, Priscilla, that this is not a formal counselling. I'm just having a chat with Dave about whatever is distracting him from his work, and extending a hand of friendship to assist him in any way I-"

"Oh rubbish, Phil. We both know what this is about. It's the beginning of the end, isn't it? A little chat, a few notes on his file, quiet word in the ear of executive management, and all of a sudden poor old Dave gets a cheap brass watch and a lousy redundancy package."

"Pris, really, it's nothing like-"

"Can you honestly say that this chat today has nothing to do with David's reanimated status?"

"Uh... Ahem, no.. Not even remotely..."

"Yes, very convincing. You're yet another damned vivialist, thinking you can treat a loyal employee like rubbish just because he's a Post Mortem Ambulist."

"Pris, I promise you, the fact that Dave is a zombie-"

"Ah-hah!"

"Sorry, I mean Post Mort-"

"You said 'zombie'! Oh, you're in trouble now, Phil. You know that our EEO regulations explicitly prohibit any kind of discrimination on the basis of vivial status. Come on Dave - we're leaving."

"Graaaawwwwwwwhhhh..."