James discovers Demoncracy

Rebecca:
typo of the day - demoncracy

Scott:
I like it! 1 demon, 1 vote!

Michelle:
sounds like this place to me

Rebecca:
True enough. Roll on end 2009 when I can go and find out if the rest of the world sucks as much as [this place] does currently.

James:
The world outside [your work] will suck just as much, but they'll pay you two to three times more as compensation.

Scott:
and then it'll devour your soul.

James:
That's a demoncracy for you. If you don't love your country, you can immigrate to the bloody Vatican.

Scott:
I'm a proud flag waving demoncratist!

James:
I can picture the bumper stickers now...

"I sacrifice virgins and I vote!"
"Honk if you love Bealzebub!"
"Protect your demonic rights - join an Unholy Union today!"
"Spawn of Satan on board!"
"My other car is a nightmare-drawn fiery chariot of hell!"
"I don't brake for Christians!"
"Our country - love it or have your heart cut out with a ceremonial
obsidian knife on an altar of human bones!"

(That last one is catchy...)

Scott:
And fundamentalist demoncratists have a stylised fish with horns sticker for their fiery chariots.

James:
Ah yes, and there will be long debates between the two completely opposed and very different political parties: The Demonic Party and the Australian Devils.

"Of course, I agree with the honorable member for Flayed and Screaming that we must suck the souls of Australian taxpayers, but I still claim that the specifics of the proposed Perpetual Anguish Bill are just not thoroughly thought out. We want the Australian public to know that we are looking after their best interests."

Michelle:
no fair making me snort while eating French Fries...evil James

James:
It's okay to laugh about it, since it's so completely divorced from our political reality.

*nods earnestly*

Scott:
"Mr Speaker I'd like to respectfully point out that the other side of the chamber is clearly made out of unrepresentative holy water."

"Mr Speaker! Mr Speaker! You're out of line you halo-clad choirboy!"

"The honourable member for Screaming Impalement can take his betentacled head and shove it up all 600 of his betentacled arses consecutively!"

"Mr Speaker, I'd like to table a dismemberment motion against the honourable member for Dripping Ichor."

Yes, its just like when Keating was in power.

James and the gypsy physicists

Scott:
I have an allegation here concerning "gypsy physics scams".
Damn those gypsy physicists, always hogging the radio telescope.

James:
"Welcome, sir, welcome! Come into our travelling carnival, sir! See, my wife Madame Clarisa, she will read your palm and scry the future in the tarot. Over here is Wilhelm, who has many fine items of jewelry for sale at very reasonable prices.. Ahhh, and here is my son, Daryn, who shall dazzle you with his perpetual motion machine and cold fusion generator..."

Scott:
Beware the blood feuds between rival clans of gypsy physicists

James:
"Listen to me, Martika! You will obey your papa! You can no longer ee this boy!"
"But papa! I love him! He wants to marry me!"
"You cannot marry him! He is of the Grozny clan! The Groznys are our worn enemies!"
"Your sworn enemies, papa, not mine. I care nothing for these old feuds between the clans."
"Martika! They are our enemies for a good reason! No honour, any of them. They are a clan without honour!"
"Why do you say this, papa? Why can I not be with the boy I love?"
"HIS FATHER STOLE MY RESEARCH!"
"What... what do you mean, papa?"
"I'm sorry, Martika... I didn't want to tell you... but you are old enough now. His father and I were using the same lab space when we were both your age..."
"What happened papa?"
"He stole my notes... my research... Stole a patent out from under me, using my research into heat-efficient semi-conductors..."
"Oh papa... I never knew..."
"I was a broken man, and never completed my doctorate... and that is why no daughter of mine shall marry a stinking dog Grozny!!!"

James describes Scott's weirdness

Scott could be standing next to a tentacled ectoplasmic horror from the Cthulhu Mythos and people would point at Scott and ask the amorphous thing-that-should-not-be, "Who's the weirdo?"

James invents a supervillain

James:
Look! Monkeys!

Andrew:
monkeys. where?
*looks around frantically*

James:
I lied.
For I am...
*rips off shirt to reveal supervillain costume*
Fictional Monkey Distraction Man!

Andrew:
*gasps* ohnoes

James:
Bit of a niche skill, really.
"FMD Man! Quick shoot Captain Sexpants before he escapes!"
"Look! Monkeys!"
*Captain Sexpants escapes*

Andrew:
lols

James:
Many heroes would go mad trying to interrogate him, though.
"Damn it, tell me where General Evilness is hiding, or I-"
"Look! Monkeys!"
"What? Damn it! I fell for it again! Stop doing that!"
"Sorry, I can't- Oh my god! Monkeys!"
"No, not falling for it again."
"Haha, that one's wearing a little jacket!"
"Really? DAMN IT!"

James leads the people

Lee:
My imagination is going weird places right now, and I blame you.

James:
Hooray!

I am the weird brain shepherd!

James gets a shout

James:
If you ever want to opt-in, just give me a shout.

Lee:
*hands you a shout, a shiny new one, no less*

James:
Oh, thank you. It's a nice loud one.
*pulls the string*
MY FACE IS COVERED IN BUTTER!

James has special vu

James:
Jamais vu is interesting. I get that relatively often.

You ever get that? "I know I have been here/met this person/etc. before, but for a moment it felt totally new and disturbing."

Every time it happens I get paranoid that I'm a clone who was vat-grown and neurally programmed just this morning, and there are small gaps in the brain imprint. Because, you know, people would love to spend billions on human cloning in order to make me.

Amber:
*snort*

James:
"Okay, I've got ten billion dollars burning a hole in my pocket. What should we do with it?"

"Clone some random unremarkable guy and send his brain-imprinted clone out to take his place in his normal life while we keep the original guy in a cage and throw fruit at him?"

"Urm... actually, I was thinking about invading a small Middle Eastern nation... but your plan is good too."

James explains quantum millinery

Rebecca:
I'm putting on my potential congratulatory hat

Scott:
...so it's a kind of Schrodinger's Hat?

Rebecca:
Yes, just like that

Scott:
Its a little known fact that Dr Seuss' 'Cat in the Hat' was a scientific paper describing an attempt to combine Schrodinger's two thought experiments, namely Schrodinger's Cat and Schrodinger's Hat.

James:
*observes Bec's hat*
Oops, I think I just collapsed the waveform

Scott:
Was anyone wearing the hat at the time? Have we suffered any skull blow-outs?

James:
You're obviously ignorant of the standard theories of quantum millinery. If the hat was in a state of quantum flux, both there and not there, then the observation would not cause it to simply appear. The observation will collapse the waveform and at that point the hat will have _always_ been there, even during the period when it also wasn't.

Scott:
So old photographs of a hatless you will suddenly show you wearing a fineshiny tophat?

James:
Only if the photographer took your photo without looking at you and nobody looked at any of the resulting photos.

Scott:
Wow, quantam millinery is more complicated than I had ever imagined!

James builds an interweb for Michelle

Woohoo! I look forward to assembling your interwebs for you.

"Let's see... cute cats photos go here, angry political rants go here, porn goes here and here and here and here and here and here and here and here and here and here and here... and here... and here and here... and here..."

James puns and the world takes cover

Scott:
That was the pun equivalent of a nuclear device. The radiation is burning me.

James

[Scott enters the room in a reflective plastic radiation suit.]

"Control, I'm scanning the area now. Wordplayometer is on."
*crackle of static* "Careful, Scott. That suit will protect you, but not forever and not if the levels get too high."
"Checking the read-out, there's acceptable background pun radiation, but nothing serious."
*crackle* "Okay... proceed, but be careful."
"Hmmmm... just saw a small spike... jumped briefly from normal levels to Douglas Adams, but dropped ag- wait! The needle's climbing, Control."
"How high? Scott, how high?"
"It's topped Adams and ticked over into Pratchett... still within safe levels for this suit."
"For now, yes. That suit is rated up to Fforde levels, but only for a few minutes. If levels climb above Pratchett, I'm pulling you out. Do you understand me, Scott?"
"Loud and clearm Control. Hmmm... I see evidence of recent pun activity. I can see a few words that have been twisted beyond breaking point, and... oh my god..."
"What is it, Scott? . . . Scott, talk to me!"
"I've found a body, Control. Oh, Jesus... looks like they copped an Asprin-level blast right in the face. The face... oh, the expression of pain... horrible..."
*beep beep beep* "Scott, I'm getting a warning tone. What's going on?"
"Pun levels are spiking. Oh god... I have to get out of here!"
"What is it, Scott? Talk to me?"
"Xanth, Control! The needle's flipped right into the red and maxed out on Xanth. I need to get out right now!"
"Scott, that suit will only take Xanth-level pun radiation for a minute at most! Move!"
*pant pant* "Control, I don't think I'm going to make it..."
"Don't say that, Scott, just keep moving! Save your breath."
"If I don't make it, tell the world... someone has developed a Piers Anthony pun dirty bomb and used it on a civilian population. This is... monstrous!"

James writes a Japanese movie

[All dialogue badly out of synch with speaker's mouth]

"Oh no! The Brunasaurus has risen from beneath the sea! it is going to destroy Tokyo!"
"Again? We only just finished cleaning up after the last time!"
"What can we do? We are doomed!"
"Look! Michzilla!"
*ROOOOOAAAAWWRR!*
"They are fighting each other!"
"Ever noticed how the buildings of out city look oddly fake whenever giant monsters turn up?"
"Quiet!"
"Michzilla is victorious! "

...and now, the same scene with Japanese dialogue and English subtitles:

"No! Brownsaurus is rising from ocean! Tokyo will been destruction!"
"Curse also! Recently our city had clean from previous assaulting!"
"I can't think to do! We have doomed!"
"See behind! Michizira!"
*ARRR!*
"Amaze! They go at fight!"
"Has they seen that toy plastics house where the monster giants coming?"
"Shut!"
"Michizira victorise!"

James could have a windfall

Rebecca:
what would you do with another one?

Scott:
Build a robot with it that could take over the world.

Michelle:
gift it to less technologically equipped friends...

Scott:
Build a cargo cult around it that will enslave millions and force them to build giant stone idols of you!

James:
An excellent suggestion, but my advisors tell me I should sell it and use the proceeds to buy either a 360 or a Wii.

They also tell me that the people are unhappy and demand a Colosseum.

Scott:
They get the Colosseum once they stop complaining about the high crime rate.

Another option would be to sell it and use the proceeds to buy yourself a nice LCD monitor in time for your new PC.

James:
$500-600 would buy a 27". Such a huge monitor would surely drive a man mad.

Scott:
At The Monitors of Madness, by H.P. Starcraft.

James:
For three days Wilkinson muttered and raved and screamed, with perspiration falling from him in sheets. Most of it was mercifully incomprehensible, but sometimes as I mopped his fevered brow with a cool, damp cloth I caught snatches of phrases. They were meaningless gibberish, but somehow they filled me with dread, and made the already claustrophobic room feel suffocating. He babbled about "interlace versus progressive" and "plasma panels". It was at the end, as his skin burned so hot I felt sure he must begin to smoulder, that he opened his eyes. He locked gazes with me, and the cloth dropped nervelessly from my hand. "Stephens," he whispered, a harsh sandpaper rasp, "Stephen there were... dead pixels... dead pixels in the sky..." Then, he died. Yet still, the horror of his words lives on in my tortured mind.

James discusses Scott's wrongness

Rebecca:
James does Scott dabble in the ocean of wrong or does he run into the water, butt naked screaming that he's a squid?

James:
He's born there and spends his entire life cycle there. He frolics in the cool Southern seas of wrong in the summer, migrates north to warmer, wronger waters in the winter time, and in spring he fights his way up the river of wrong to spawn.

Scott:
And you really, really don't want to know how the Wrong Squid (architeuthis wrongus spazzmodica) spawns...

James and the mechanoraptor

Amber:
Meanwhile, if I never have to write the phrase 'rapidly-adapting mechanoreceptor' again, I will be a happy person. Until the exam, at least.

James:
Damn, I'm disappointed. I was sure you wrote "rapidly-adapting mechanoraptor" for a moment and I thought "Cool! They're teaching her to make killer dinosaur robots!"

Amber:
Killer robot dinosaurs that LEARN.
That's not until second semester.

James:
Screenplay excerpt from MECHANORAPTOR, written by James Dominguez and Lee Murray
Scene 46

INTERIOR - RUINED LABORATORY

The MAIN LABORATORY of the research facility is ruined and dim. SIMPKINS lies on a desk, using it as a makeshift stretcher. His right arm ends at the elbow with a bloody stump, covered in scarlet rags. FLETCHER is attempting to barricade the door of the laboratory, which is shaking under repeated assaults by the MECHANORAPTORS.

FLETCHER - I don't understand, Simpkins. What did you do here? How did this happen?

SIMPKINS - [Speaking weakly, perhaps dying] We were given a brief by the army. Make them cybernetic, make them raptors, and make them rapidly-adaptable.

FLETCHER - It's such a simple plan! What on earth went wrong?

SIMPKINS - We could never have anticipated it. We put them in the finest cardboard boxes available, shackled them with chains made of only the highest quality liquorice. Armed guards patrolled their containment facility no less than once a month.

FLETCHER - It's the least I would have expected from you, but how did such extreme security measures fail? How, Simpkins?

SIMPKINS - We never expected... We made them highly-adaptable as requested, but we never thought... they would adapt in a bad way.

FLETCHER - [Shocked] No!

SIMPKINS - Yes. In our hubris we never thought that being highly-adaptable they might adapt to kill us too.

FLETCHER - My god! It's so simple! How could I not have realised it before? I feel so foolish!

SIMPKINS - None of us realised it, Fletcher. Don't blame yourself. In a movie like this, the monster always has to get loose in some matter, no matter how contrived.

Scott:
At this point the door bursts open, knocking FLETCHER to the floor where he shelters behind the corner of the desk. A growling MECHANORAPTOR slowly enters the room, teeth bared. The MECHANORAPTOR is wearing glasses.

MECHANORAPTOR - [speaking in a clipped, upper class English accent] I say chaps, what do we have here? Could be time for a spot of lunch, what?

FLETCHER - It can speak!

SIMPKINS - Of course! The adaptability! It must have learnt from the educational software on the computers in the nursery we built for those staff with children!

FLETCHER - Astounding! And not in the least contrived!

James provides excerpts on Afghanistan

James:
From page 9:
"Most of what little export revenue Aghanistan earns comes from umbrellas. Afghan umbrella farms cling like moss to the small patches of arable land, nestled in sheltered mountain valleys. Local farmers import cheap paper cocktail umbrellas from the West and plant them in a mixture of soil, camel dung, and shredded raincoats. Even this peaceful lifestyle has its risks: strong winds in the summer of 2004 destroyed most of the umbrella harvest by turning the fruit inside
out."

Scott:
partial extract from page 12:
"The Afghan political system is dominated by corruption on a massive scale. Afghani politicians are known to accept bribes of umbrellas for favours: the larger and more elaborate the umbrella, the more likely the respective politician will accept the bribe. Consequently the demand for umbrellas with which to bribe politicians has become so great that it threatens the viability of the umbrella export market. Additionally, a poor umbrella harvest can have devastating effects on the Afghani policial system. The failed crop of 2004 left many senior Afghani politicians completely umbrella-less, and in order to import substandard western umbrellas many politicians were forced to hustle their arses on the streets of Kabul for as little as one US dollar a trick."

James answers a simple question

Amber:
Have I missed stuff?

James:
Well, let's see... In early March I was narrowly beaten in my campaign to become UN Secretary General by three children riding on each other's shoulders under a long coat. There go my plans for world domination. I would have gotten away with it, too, if it weren't for those meddling kids.

Later I travelled to Monaco so seek my fortune as a gravel prospector. I thought I was going to be rich when I found what I thought was a massive granite pebble the size of a potato. Unfortunately it turned out to be an actual potato. I threw it at a petty royal in a bikini and felt much better. Why those Monacan princes think they can get away with wearing bikinis I will never know.

I was short-listed for the crew of the first manned (and, presumably, womanned) mission to Venus, but pulled out at the last moment when I found out the main cabin would not be clothing optional. If they think I'm flying all that way in zero gravity wearing clothes, they have another thing coming.

Oh, and yesterday I ate a sandwich.

You?

James writes an office sitcom

James:
[Roll theme tune and opening credits of The Department]

Announcer: The Department is filmed in front of a live studio office.

SCENE 1: DESK POD

[MICHELLE and REBECCA are sitting on a desk, talking.]

MICHELLE: [Waving a sheet of paper.] Another fax from National Office! God, what should we do with this one?

REBECCA: Tell them to stick it up their national orifice?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

MICHELLE: You shouldn't joke, Rebecca. When Scott sees this . . .

[SCOTT enters with trademark greeting]

SCOTT: Morning cow-orkers!

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS, APPLAUDS, AND CHEERS]

SCENE 12: Stationery cupboard

[MICHELLE is leaning casually against the wall, filing her nails, JIMMY enters looking stressed.]

[AUDIENCE BOOS]

[JIMMY sees MICHELLE and pauses, looking terrified.]

MICHELLE: [Not looking up, sounding impatient] What do you want, Jimmy?

JIMMY: [Stuttering] Uh, I want... uh... stuh... stuh-stuh...

MICHELLE: Spit it out Jimmy.

JIMMY: [Continues stuttering]

MICHELLE: Try to finish this sentence before there's another change of government, won't you?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

JIMMY: Staples! I need staples! [Seems relieved to have finally gotten the word out.]

MICHELLE: [Staring at Jimmy like the insect he is.] Staples?

JIMMY: [Relief disappearing] Uh... if that's okay with you...

[MICHELLE continues her hostile stare.]

JIMMY: Please.

[MICHELLE stares]

JIMMY: [Long pause] Ma'am.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

MICHELLE: Do you have an authorisation form signed by your manager?

JIMMY: What? They're just staples!

[MICHELLE stares again.]

JIMMY: ...ma'am.

MICHELLE: Jimmy, do you have any idea of the sheer scale of waste that goes on in this department because of a lackadaisical attitude to stationery? Millions wasted! Perhaps even billions! I take my sacred duty as stationery gatekeeper seriously, so if you think you're
getting a single rusty thumbtack out of me without authorisation, you are sadly mistaken.

[AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS]

JIMMY: I'll just go get that form, shall I?

[JIMMY turns to exit and nearly knocks over SCOTT who is just entering.]

SCOTT: Wow, what did you do to Jimmy? He looks like John Howard on election night!

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

MICHELLE: Just putting him in his place. What can I get you?

SCOTT: My computer is too slow. Can I have a new one?

MICHELLE: Sure. [Places several large cardboard boxes on a trolley.] Enjoy!

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS AND CHEERS]

SCOTT: Thanks!

[SCOTT exits, taking trolley with him. A second later there is a loud crash and a shout of pain. JIMMY enters looking very stressed, with a computer mouse wrapped around his neck, and a piece of paper clenched in his hand.]

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

JIMMY: Here's your form.

[MICHELLE stares]

JIMMY: ...ma'am.

[MICHELLE reaches for the form slowly, and JIMMY begins to smile hopefully. Suddenly an alarm clock rings and MICHELLE look at her watch.]

MICHELLE: Oh, lunchtime! [She closes and locks the door of the cupboard and walks away.]

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDS AND CHEERS]

[JIMMY tries to walk away, but finds his form is stuck in the door. He tries to pull it out and it rips in two.]

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

James forecasts the weather, with help from Scott

Rebecca:
What's with the weather today? Its broken, 29C they said this morning, and now they're saying 25C for today.

Scott:
Give it another hour and it'll be snowing with a chance of penguins.

James:
"...an extreme low pressure system is sweeping up through the Bight and into western Victoria, bringing squally winds, low temperatures, a strong chance of snow, and a small chance of penguins. Major storms are expected when this low system hits the warm, wet front coming down from Queensland, bringing torrential rain, humid weather, and toucans."

Scott:
"A major storm cell will sweep through the Sydney metropolitan region this afternoon. Residents are advised to expect very heavy rainfall, flashflooding, strong winds and large, flightless birds. Cars should be moved under cover where possible and trampolines erected over valuable property."

James sings Wrongtown

Rebecca:
You boys are revelling in Wrongtown without me to slap you both

James:

[sings]
Start spreading the news...
I'm disturbing today...
I wanna be a part of it!
Wrongtown, Wrongtown!
My internal censor
Is fading away...
I'll make a wrong new start of it!
Wrongtown, Wrongtown!

or alternatively...

Wrongtown, Wrongtown,
The wrongest of towns!
The meatbomb's up and the dumpling is down!
James's mind is in a hole in the ground!

James on dinosaurs

Scott:
best dinosaur name ever

James:
"Somebody please help! That protomammal is stealing my eggs!"
*bup-ba-da-BAAAAAA!!!*
"Never fear, young lady, I will save your eggs."
"Oh, Supersaurus!" *swoons*

James channels Steve Irwin

Scott:
pfft, its only a cockroach, its not like it going to go for someone's throat

James:
Now this 'ere's a dangerous little blighter! Don't be fooled by how toiny he is - this ferocious bug 'as been known to scoot up yer pants an'ave a go at yer jugular!

James writes some lyrics

Scott:
Goatfondler rocks as a surname. Or as a band name.
"And now, performing their number 1 smash hit 'Feed the Cheese Weasel', its Goat Fondler!!" *screams*

James:
[massively shredded cock rock guitar riff]

Oh baby, I wanna paint your picture...
Smear my oils all over your easel...
I'm gonna go down to your feeding trough...
Oh yeah, you're gonna feed the cheese weasel...

James solves the problems of wankers

Scott:

Are you splitting wanker hairs?

James

Yes.

...with a backhoe.
...with chainsaws welded to it.
...while still attached to the wankers' heads.

Scott:

and a steam powered mechanical punching arm?

James:

Nah, bad for the environment. My mechanical punching arm is wind powered. it's quite ingenious, if I my say so. The device is placed in front of the mouth of a blathering wanker, whose rampant crapping-on powers a wind turbine. The turbine channels energy into a spring mechanism. When the spring achieves a high enough level of tension, a clasp unlocks and said wanker is bashed repeatedly in the face until the spring winds down.

Scott:

so you do you have to attach to the device to the wanker's head or is it ambulatory?

James writes important questions

Question 17
What would you say is the applicant's overriding attitude to goats?
a) No opinion / don't know
b) The baby ones are cute in petting zoos
c) Their meat is good to eat
d) The applicant's life revolves around goat references

Question 18
In your opinion, what is the applicant's overriding attitude to cheese?
a) No opinion / don't know
b) Don't like it or lactose intolerant
c) It is a tasy snack
d) Cheese is an underutilised building material, and geneticists should be working on hybridising a weasel and a wheel of Jarlsberg

James is still wrong

Number one on the ARIA chart this week is Scott and the Cheeseweasels with their new single "Sleazy Dumpling" (B-side: "Herpes Goat Goes to Wrong Town").

James channels David

Michelle:
are you channelling my partner, by any chance?

James:
*places hands on ouija board*

"Oh great spirits, guide my hands! Grant me your wisdom!"

*glass slides over board, and spells out FLEMINGTON RACE 12, GATE 6, SIX TO ONE, SURE THING*

James doesn't entertain Cthulhu

Scott:
*summons great cthulhu*

James:
What? No, no! You can't just invite guests over without telling me! The place is a pigsty, and we don't have any biscuits, and the liquor cabinet is a bit dry, and... oh god, I haven't done my hair!

Could you take Cthulhu to the pub for an hour or so while I do a quick cleanup and pop down to the supermarket? I'd be mortified if he saw the place in its current state...

Scott:
*down at the pub*

Me: yah know, Keegan isn't going to be able to drag Newcastle out of its slump

Cthulhu: F--cking Newcastle board couldn't find its arse with a billion screaming demonic newborn. Its not like it used to be in the good old days, when we'd wander down to the football from the pub and cheer our boys on, then wander home via Shammi's All Night Soul Kebab van...

James:
Many drinks later...

Cthulhu: Gotta go for a slash.

*slowly and carefully, Cthulhu drags himself to his feet*

Cthulhu: The Great Lord Cthulhu has risen! *giggle*

*falls over*

James and zombie performance interviews

"Thanks for coming in to talk with me, Dave. Please close the door and take a seat. Now, I just wanted to have a quick word about your work performance over the past few weeks. I'm not the only one who has noticed a sharp decline in productivity, and that report for finance is now a week overdue. Now, you've been a great employee for years, and you're a highly valued member of our team. Please don't think this is some kind of warning or telling-off. I'm just worried about you, Dave. I want you to know that, even though I'm your boss, I also consider you to be a friend, and if something is going on in your life that is making it hard for you to concentrate on work, I want to make it clear that my door is always open to you, and if you feel comfortable talking about it, I am happy to lend an ear. Maybe I can help you come up with solutions for whatever's bothering you, so please feel free to pick my brain..."

"Wrrroooaaaaaaaaggghrrrrr..."

*door bursts open*

"What the hell is going on here? Why is an employee being counselled by management without a union representative present?"

"I assure you, Priscilla, that this is not a formal counselling. I'm just having a chat with Dave about whatever is distracting him from his work, and extending a hand of friendship to assist him in any way I-"

"Oh rubbish, Phil. We both know what this is about. It's the beginning of the end, isn't it? A little chat, a few notes on his file, quiet word in the ear of executive management, and all of a sudden poor old Dave gets a cheap brass watch and a lousy redundancy package."

"Pris, really, it's nothing like-"

"Can you honestly say that this chat today has nothing to do with David's reanimated status?"

"Uh... Ahem, no.. Not even remotely..."

"Yes, very convincing. You're yet another damned vivialist, thinking you can treat a loyal employee like rubbish just because he's a Post Mortem Ambulist."

"Pris, I promise you, the fact that Dave is a zombie-"

"Ah-hah!"

"Sorry, I mean Post Mort-"

"You said 'zombie'! Oh, you're in trouble now, Phil. You know that our EEO regulations explicitly prohibit any kind of discrimination on the basis of vivial status. Come on Dave - we're leaving."

"Graaaawwwwwwwhhhh..."

James and Scott waxing on a theme

You be the judge as to which blog this should be in, but for now its here.

James:
Last time on The Young and the Restless Dead...

"Oh Kane... you know I still love you, but... you've changed. You're not the man I married. Please don't hate me for this, but... I'm going to make a new life with Bradley. I'm filing for divorce."

"Nyyaaaawwwwwrgh..."

Scott:
Tonight on Backyard Blitz our team of zombies take the Anderson's garden from toxic waste dump to Japanese zen garden perfection!

"Oh its just so beautiful, we don't know what to say! Thank you zombie blitz team!"

"Gnyaaaaarrrgh..."

James:
"...but still found time to befriend an orphaned kitten. That's the news for tonight. Now, it's over to Kevin for tonight's zombiological report."

"Thanks Doug. Zombie activity across the state was down on the January average today, but as you can see from the satellite photo, we have a large band of undead sweeping down from the northwest, bringing a cold front with it that should make itself felt in the early hours this morning. If you need to leave the house tomorrow, I'd suggest rugging up and bringing a shotgun."

Scott:
"And just a reminder to all staff that tomorrow is Bring Your Zombie to Work day. The office social club will be providing zombie-themed snacks for morning and afternoon tea, but i'd ask all staff to keep their zombies chained as we don't want any OH&S incidents. Please also remember to bring your shotguns and if you don't have a shotgun please see Cheryl and she will supply you with one from the stationery cupboard, but only if you have your office ID with you. Also, in the light of last year's little accident during BYZW day, please remember that if your zombie does get hungry then let him loose in our competitor's building next door, not out on the showroom floor with our customers.

Oh, and for those of you that don't have a zombie we do have some discount vouchers for Tina the Voodoo Priestess who guarantees to raise the loved one of your choice from the dead."

-------------------
"Hi, you've called the Addicts Anonymous Helpline. My name's Dave and I'm trained social worker who would love to help you. Now tell me, what addiction is weighing you down?"

"Braaaaaaaaiiiiiiiinnnnssss...."

"I feel for you man, I really do, we've all been down that road and its a tough climb back. Look, I'll tell you what, I'll sign you up for out weekly Addicts Anonymous meetings where you can meet with those similarly afflicted and support each other on the road to recovery. Today is the first day of the rest of your life! Isn't life a wonderful thing? Now tell me, guy, what is it you're gonna kick?"

"Braaaiiiinnnnsss..."

"Dude, that's the spirit!"

James and Zombies

Scott:
SPF 3+, protection against all forms of the undead! Now waterproof!

James:
Remember kids, when zombies are attacking, Stick Stock Stack!

Stick something pointy through the brain, stock up on food and ammo, and stack barricades over doors and windows!

James on Jerry

Next on Jerry Springer: My zombie boyfriend ate my mother, but I still love him!

Obnoxious Audience Member: "Uh, yeah, hi. Ah juz wanted ta ask the boyfrien' a question. How do you sleep at night, buddy? Ah mean, how can you live with what you done?"

Zombie Boyfriend: "Gwrraaaaaaahhhh..."

Jerry: "Well, technically he doesn't have to sleep at night or live with himself..."

James on words

Amber:
Me being into the old lingusitics and all. At work.

James:
Linguistics at Work
Lingusitics on Holiday
Linguishticsh at Friday Night Drinks

Scott:
"Izza....iz.....iz a" *burp* "noun right? S'noun. Yeah. Wha'? Nah, izz not a f--ckin' ad.....ag....ajertive, s'a noun, init. Noun. Iz a noun in m'beer" *giggle* *falls over*

James and Mr Excitement

James:

Mr Excitement arrives at the office. He tastes his morning coffee and his eyes widen! "My god! It's... it's... sweet! They added two sugars instead of one!" Immediately he leaps into action!

[Fanfare.] "Everybody! Listen to me! The fate of the world rests on your answer to this question..." The whole office leans expectantly, awaiting the words of pure excitement from Mr Excitement's lips. "Does anyone take their coffee with two sugars? If so..." [Dramatic chord.] "...you can have this coffee for free!"

Scott:

That's the Excitement King, not Mr Excitement. Sheesh. I shall not have my royalty belittled

James:

This story takes place before Mr Excitement is contacted by a snobby lawyer, telling him he is the sole heir to the Duchy of Excitement. It is not until some time later that the Duchy of Excitement leads a coup de'tat and claims the throne of Excitement.

James reprises lunch

James:
"Aye, Cap'n, we be happy t' join yer crew and go lunch plunderin'. We'll cruise along the wealthy coasts of Bourke and Lonsdale, keepin' an eye out in the crow's nest for a fat, slow merchant vessel carryin' Thai green curries."

Scott:
"Captain! Captain! Pirate vessel off the port bow! She's flying the crossed schnitzels on a plate of chips flag of Blackheart James McStabyoulots!"
"May good have mercy on us all! Hard t'starboard Mr Winkles! Lieutenant Beanie, ready the dumpling cannons!"

James has lunch

James:
Houston, we have received maximum hunger saturation point, and are now initiating lunchification sequence, on my mark... three, two, one, lunch. We have lunch. I repeat, Houston, we have attained lunch.

Scott:
Houston, this Bagel 1, the lunch manoeuvre has been successfully completed. I repeat, the bagel is in the belly. Requesting go for belt loosening manoeuvre.

James:
Sandwich docking manouevre initiating. Command, decompress upper forward sustenance hatch and open to full.

James on Asian action movies

Amber:
'Wind snake'.
It's very zen.

James:
Sounds like something from an early Jackie Chan flick.

[Assume dialogue is hopelessly out of synch with lip movements.]

"Nooo! My master! Evil Lord Chung has killed you because you refused to give him the secret scrolls detailing to final lessons of the Wind Snake fighting style! I will study these scrolls myself and avenge you! But first, a pointless slapstick sequence.."

Scott:
"So, young Feng Shui, you think you can defeat me with your Wind Snake fighting style? The Wind Snake did not save your master, it shall not save you! For I am a master of that most ancient and secret of martial arts! The Shao Lin monks of Hopping Zombie Mountain trained me themselves, and when I was strong enough I killed them all! Like I shall kill you! Ha ha ha! Fear me, Feng Shui, for I am a master of the ancient art of Yelling At the Hot Sheila on the Footpath From Your Car!"

James:
"No! He is too strong! I have failed you my master! I shall now flee into the countryside and have whacky adventures, until a grumpy old hermit befriends me and reveals he was my old master's own teacher, and if I can clean up my act and control my rage he will teach me the very secret and deadly Shampoo Carpet and Dust Venetians fighting style!"

Scott:
"Arrgh! I did not foresee this likely and predictable plot twist! Curses! I must send my loyal and incompetent minions after you so that you may kill them all in a highly improbable and furiously energetic fight scene that will undoubtedly include you at some point kicking a wooden stool into the groin of one of my men while smacking the others into the supporting beams of a small wooden tavern, which will then collapse! Curse you, Feng Shui!"

James:
"Ah-haaa! I am victorious! But no! Look! The fight has set an unlikely chain reaction into motion, and though victorious in battle I require one more death-defying stunt shot from multiple camera angles. Note my slightly different hairstyle, as the first take went wrong and I nearly died, resulting in a three month hospital stay!"

James writes horoscopes

Bah, I'm as much of an expert in this rubbish as any of those wankers.

Here!

Sign of the Ox - Your year will kick seven kinds of arse. You will get rich, be chased by a harem of hot women, and wake one morning to discover that your touch can cure cancer. Water Ox will have a particularly good year, culminating in the opportunity to punch Peter Costello in the face without any repercussions.

Sign of the Rabbit - Your year will be as good as the Ox's, with hot sexy people coming from every corner of the globe just to gaze adoringly at you and give you expensive gifts. Wood Rabbit will unexpectly become undisputed dictator of the world after all the world's leaders simultaneously agree that you would do a much better job and hand over power.